


and in a flash, it's gone.

by Idnis



Series: and in a flash, it's gone. [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Frustration, M/M, Sexual Tension, Swearing, Temporary Amnesia, Violence, also, andrew doesn't know how to deal with this, neil loses his memory, not really fluff but still they're so sweet in their own way, this will probably get more explicit later on, yeah let's go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-08 21:37:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 35,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11090424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idnis/pseuds/Idnis
Summary: ‘I wouldn’t associate with Andrew anymore, nor with any of the others. You can’t trust foxes after all.’The man’s fist connected precisely where his head wound was, and then Neil Josten was gone.Neil loses his memory and has to somehow make sense of the pieces of his past and present. And Andrew.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so after binging the books, I had nowhere to go with my feelings and I figured I might as well write. That seemed to help the last time anyway haha.  
> That being said, I'm still a little anxious about posting this story because wow, these characters are not easy to write about. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!

When Neil’s body hit the floor, he vaguely registered that the situation was _bad_.  
  
Raising his arms in front of his face, he hoped to block the leg that was swinging towards his face.  
Too slow.  
His head hit the floor with a sickening crunch that he only half heard before everything turned black.  
  
\- -  
  
He regained consciousness in the same place where he got knocked down,  
except now he was lying in a pool of sticky, dark red blood.  
His own blood.  
  
His head was pounding, hurting like crazy, and Neil lifted his hand to feel where he’d been hurt, but stopped when a low voice called out, ‘No need to feel. You’re not going to be awake long enough to worry about your health.’  
  
Blackness blurred the edges of his vision when a hand grabbed the front of his shirt and roughly lifted him up.  
Neil tried to focus on the man’s face, but besides the dark slanted eyes and sleek black hair, he couldn’t find anything that distinguished him, that made him recognisable. It probably had something to do with the fact that everything got blurry when the man shook him, before laughing.  
  
‘You’re also, unfortunately, not going to remember this. Probably.’  
  
Neil frowned and tried to say something, but his tongue felt heavy and swollen in his mouth. He’d bitten it when he got thrown to the floor.  
  
‘Anyway,’ the man continued, enjoying this, ‘Do try and remember that Andrew did this.’  
  
‘Wha-’ Neil choked out, but the man shoved him back to the ground and his head cracked loudly against the floor.  
  
His vision started to disappear, the blackness taking over everything.  
He saw the fist rising, heard the words, but couldn’t react.  
  
‘I wouldn’t associate with Andrew anymore, nor with any of the others. You can’t trust foxes after all.’  
  
The man’s fist connected precisely where his head wound was,  
and then Neil Josten was gone.  
  
 - -    
  
There were people.  
People who said a lot of things.  
Their words cut through the throbbing, pulsing headache for a few seconds before they slowly faded away again.  
  
 - / -   
  
When he woke up, he didn’t recognize the bed nor the room that he was in.  
  
It should’ve made him panic, should’ve set his flight instinct on high alert, but all he felt was a numbness.  
Taking into account the tubes connected to his hands and the flimsy blue robe he was wearing, he could conclude that he was in the hospital, and on some heavy medication.  
  
Something had clearly happened.  
But what?  
  
Blinking slowly, he tried to move his head to get a better look at the room.  
To his left, a window.  
To his right, a guy sleeping in a chair.  
There.

His eyes instantly focused on the object beside the guy. A door. The exit.  
Groaning from the effort, he tried to sit up and test if he was able to move, to run.  
  
Just then the door opened, and a dark skinned guy walked in, holding a plastic bag.  
The guy froze when their eyes met. Then he gasped, choked out, ‘Neil-’ and was by his side in an instant, dropping the plastic bag on the floor.  
  
The sounds must’ve woken up the other guy, the one in the chair, because before he could blink, the guy was on his feet and standing near the bed.   
His brown eyes were staring intently at him, and he looked… angry.  
  
‘Neil, oh god,’ the dark skinned guy said. ‘How are you feeling?’  
  
Why were they so worried about him?  
He tried to think if he knew them, but drew up blank.  
  
‘Uh.’ His voice sounded rough. ‘I don’t feel anything.’  
  
‘ _What?_ ’  
  
It seemed to worry the one who was not staring at him angrily.  
  
‘Morphine, Nicky.’  
  
‘Oh. Oh, right.’  
  
He looked at the guys for a few more seconds, but he honestly had no idea who they were.  
  
‘Sorry,’ he said, and winced a bit at how his voice sounded. ‘But why are you so worried? I don’t know you. I mean, I guess you’re Nicky and you’re…’ He remembered what the other guy, Nicky, had called out when he walked in. ‘You’re Neil?’  
  
Something flashed behind those brown eyes, the anger replaced by an even more intense emotion, but it was gone in a second.  
  
Nicky, however, looked crushed. ‘... What?’ he said quietly.  
  
They were both staring at him now, and he didn’t know what he'd said to have shaken them so badly.   
He stared at his hands for a moment. They were full of cuts and bruises and burns. He didn’t remember where he got those.  
  
The silence stretched on.  
  
Why couldn’t he remember how he got those scars?  
Why couldn’t he remember their names?  
Then it hit him.  
  
What was _his_ name?  
  
‘Who am I?’ he whispered at no one in particular.  
  
But they heard him anyway.  
  
Nicky’s sharp intake of breath made him look up, but Nicky wasn’t looking at him.   
He was staring at the guy next to him.  
  
There was something about the way the guy stood that signalled that while he was physically in the room, he wasn’t really _there_ anymore.  
It was unsettling.  
  
Nicky returned his focus to him. ‘You’re Neil,’ he said shakily.  
  
‘But he’s Neil.’  
  
‘No. No, you’re Neil. That’s-’ Nicky stopped. It’s like he had to force the words out. ‘That’s Andrew,’ he said. His eyes flickered back to the other guy.  
  
A sudden flash of something pierced through his head and his thoughts and it _hurt_. With a gasp, he made to grab the back of his head, but the sudden movement made him sway forward.  
There was a hand steadying him, holding onto his shoulders and easing him back on his pillow.  
It was the other guy, Andre-  
  
_Remember that Andrew did this._  
  
Startled, he slapped the hands away from him, weary of the guy’s touch.   
Andrew instantly took a few steps away, as if he’d shoved him.  
  
He narrowed his eyes in suspicion at Andrew, then returned to Nicky who was watching him with wide eyes.  
  
‘Neil,’ Nicky whispered, as if not quite believing what he was seeing, ‘Neil, I didn’t think- The doctors said you had some serious damage done to your head but they weren’t sure what the results would be until you woke up. But…’  
He bit his lip and looked behind him at Andrew, who was leaning back against the wall and was staring impassively into space.   
If it wasn’t for the way he clenched his hands into fists, it almost looked like he was bored.  
  
‘I think you’ve lost your memory, Neil.’  
  
 - / - 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's basically the premise! Let me know if it sounds interesting, comments are always super motivating and very much appreciated!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been writing like crazy, because I felt super motivated after all your amazing comments and I simply couldn't wait with posting chapter 2... 
> 
> So here it is! I hope you enjoy :)

  
The shock of hearing those words made the room spin and he _—_ Neil, since that was apparently his name _—_ closed his eyes for just a few seconds. When he opened them again, he was alone in the room.  
  
The sun was low in the sky, giving the room a warm, orange glow.  
Neil let his eyes fall shut again.  
  
\- / -  
  
There was a nurse standing next to him when he woke up. She was fiddling with some of the machines.  
It was now dark outside.  
  
‘What-’ he croaked, his voice still not cooperating.  
  
He wanted to know the time, since he couldn’t see a clock anywhere, and there was no information in the room about his precise whereabouts. He didn't know what exactly had happened to him and it made his nerves start fizzling, thrumming, when he thought about exactly how little he knew.  
  
One thought whispered louder than all the others, however.  
What if his _father_  had put him here?  
  
The machine keeping track of his heart rate beeped faster. It made the nurse look up. She saw the stress on Neil’s face apparently, because she said, ‘Don’t worry, you’re going to heal just fine.’  
  
Somehow Neil doubted that. He had a hard time remembering ‘his’ name as it was.  
  
‘What-’ he started again. He needed answers.  
  
But what if this nurse was hired by his father?  
  
His heartbeat was racing now.  
  
Suddenly, the door to his room opened and the lights from the hallway flooded the room with yellow.  
Neil had to squint to see who was standing in the doorway.  
  
‘I think we were a little late with replacing his morphine dose, that’s why he’s panicking,’ the nurse explained with a few gestures to the, Neil could now see, guy standing there.  
  
Instead of answering, the guy stepped closer to Neil’s bed.  
Out of the harsh light Neil could finally make out the short frame, the light blond hair and the dark brown eyes, focused on him.  
Andrew.  
  
This was bad.  
  
Neil gasped and his heartbeat spiked. ‘How-’

 Something rattled beside him and Neil felt a rush of cold fluid fill his veins.  
  
‘Ah,’ the nurse said, sounding slightly nervous, ‘We couldn’t get him to leave.’ She laughed awkwardly.  
  
Neil wanted to convey how this was  _bad_ , how Andrew couldn’t be here, because  
  
_Remember that Andrew did this._  
  
So he shook his head, trying to wordlessly tell her that she needed to get him out of here, but his heartbeat was slowing down as the morphine worked its way into his system.  
  
Neil saw Andrew’s eyes flash.  
He struggled to keep his eyes open because he didn’t trust Andrew and he didn’t want to be unconscious while he was here, but the blissful numbness dragged him under again.  
  
Before he completely lost consciousness, he heard the door close as Andrew left.  
  
\- / -  
  
Flowers.  
They were the first thing Neil saw when he woke up.  
Bright orange flowers near his face.  
He frowned and shuffled backwards to get a better look at the monstrosities.  
  
A nurse walked in and saw him staring at the flowers with a frown. She smiled. ‘Those are from your friends.’  
  
‘Friends?’  
  
He noted his voice sounded slightly better.  
  
‘Yes, They’re in the café now, but we can call them if you think you’re up to seeing them.’  
  
It wasn’t really a matter of being up to it, Neil thought, but more if he was prepared for the awkwardness when he didn’t recognize them, or even know their names.  
Still he said, ‘Sure.’  
  
 - / -  
  
His friends were very concerned people, Neil quickly learned.  
They all immediately rushed over to his side. He was impressed they didn’t somehow knock each other over while getting into the room.  
  
Various questions were asked, all at the same time, and Neil blinked slowly, trying to process it all.  
Trying to see if he recognized any of them apart from Nicky, who was just as concerned as the first time he'd visited Neil.  
He didn’t.  
  
A big, friendly looking guy grabbed his hand in concern. ‘Neil, how are you feeling right now?’  
  
‘I’m fine,’ he replied, as he observed the rest of the people surrounding him. Weirdly enough, they all seemed to smile at that.

‘He’s himself alright,’ a girl to his left said. Her hair was cut mercilessly short, but she looked friendly.  
  
‘Is it true?’  
  
Neil focused his attention on the platinum blond girl, the one who had spoken. She looked… Neil couldn’t think of any other word than _expensive_.  
She was shoved lightly in the ribs by the girl with the short hair.  
  
What did she mean? Was _what_ true?  
  
His confusion must’ve shown on his face, because a girl with short hair coloured in different shades of pastel said softly, ‘I think we’re crowding him a little.’  
  
Everyone took a few respectful steps back.  
  
Now that they weren’t blocking his view, Neil could see there were a few more people in the room, hanging back to give the others the chance to see him first.  
He tried to see if he recognized them, but then the girl with the pastel hair asked, ‘Where’s Andrew?’ and Neil’s attention instantly snapped back to her.  
  
‘Neil, eh, he didn’t respond well to Andrew,’ Nicky whispered, but everyone heard him anyway.  
  
The girl raised her eyebrows.  
  
Neil felt uncomfortable, and when the door opened and two guys walked in, he got a feeling he would stay that way for a while.  
Because Andrew walked in.  
  
He was instantly alert.  
  
_Remember._  
  
‘Oh,’ Nicky said awkwardly.  
  
When Andrew stepped closer to the bed, Neil felt something was wrong.  
Squinting, he took in the dark blue hoodie, the blond hair and the dark eyes. He saw the boredness in them as Andrew shot him a disinterested look before crossing his arms.  
He-  
Neil felt weird voicing his thoughts, but still he said, ‘That’s not Andrew.’  
  
Everyone, including not-Andrew, stared at him in varying states of surprise and shock.  
  
Then not-Andrew shrugged. ‘Thank god for that.’  
  
Neil wanted to say something else, but he finally noticed the tall guy next to not-Andrew, and for a second it felt as if the room was spinning again.  
  
‘Kevin,’ he gasped.  
  
But he hadn’t seen Kevin in years. Even though he kept track of Kevin’s life through the media, Neil had made a conscious decision not to get close to him under any circumstances. It was simply too dangerous, not to mention it would put him right on his father’s radar.  
  
‘Of course you recognize _him_.’  
  
Neil whipped his head around at the flat voice. The movement immediately made him dizzy, and Neil silently cursed himself for not being more careful.  
  
Leaning against the doorframe, the real Andrew looked utterly bored.  
But his eyes.  
His eyes were focused solely on Neil.  
  
Repressing a shiver, Neil glared back.

Their staring contest would’ve gone on for a lot longer if Kevin didn’t clear his throat, bringing Neil’s attention back to the one person in the room he actually recognized, however unfortunate that was.  
  
‘Kevin,’ he said again. ‘What are you doing here?’  
  
‘So it’s true,’ the blonde girl said. Everyone ignored her.  
  
‘I live here,’ Kevin replied. ‘Just like you.’  
  
Neil thought about the probability of that statement for a moment.  
  
‘Why?’  
  
‘Because I play Exy here.’  
  
That was impossible.

Neil stared in shock at him. ‘ _What_? But what about the Ravens?’  
  
‘Oookay,’ Nicky said, ‘That tells us a lot about Neil’s mental time zone.’  
  
Kevin didn’t seem fazed. ‘I don’t play for them anymore.’  
  
How? How could Kevin not play for the Ravens anymore? How was he still alive?  
  
The information was too much at once and Neil grabbed the bedsheets, needing to ground himself, to stop the room from spinning and his vision from blurring.  
  
There were flashes of him listening intently to the shocking news on the radio,  
collecting the numerous newspaper clippings about Kevin doing the unthinkable,  
_leaving_  the Ravens.  
  
But _—_  He simply couldn’t understand _—_

‘If you’re going to talk about Exy, I’m out of here.’  
  
Andrew’s bored voice interrupted his panicked thoughts, and Neil looked at him.  
  
Andrew wasn’t looking at him.  
  
‘It’s important,’ Kevin replied, frowning. ‘Neil is one of our best players.’  
  
‘I play Exy?’  
  
Neil couldn’t believe what he was hearing. If that was true, then...  
  
Kevin nodded.  
  
‘I never thought that would happen,’ Neil confessed quietly, overwhelmed by the information.  
  
He looked down at his hands,  
stared at the unfamiliar scars crisscrossing over his knuckles.  
  
He took a deep breath as he stored the information away and forced his emotional reaction down.

‘Any other big, life-changing things you need to tell me? Like a girlfriend?’ he asked jokingly, but the silence that met him was very, _very_ awkward.  
  
Kevin looked pained and not ready to deal with this.  
  
The rest wasn’t any better.  
  
Neil frowned.

The way they were behaving… He didn’t actually have a girlfriend, did he? He’d only said that because it was such an absurd idea. Neil didn’t _—_ he would _never_ have a girlfriend.  
That’s why he'd joked about it.  
  
But the silence seemed so full of unspoken words that Neil asked, ‘Did she die or something?’  
  
‘Ah, Neil,’ Nicky started, but he looked very unsure, eyes darting from Neil to the door. ‘It’s actually-’  
  
The door slammed shut, cutting a startled Nicky off, as Andrew walked out of the room.  
  
Nicky didn’t say anything anymore, just looked pained at the door.  
  
‘So,’ the girl with pastel hair broke the tension, ‘Let’s start with introductions then, shall we? I’m Renee.’  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3 I'm having so much fun writing this, it's a great for my feels haha.
> 
> That being said, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter :)
> 
> Please let me know what you think, I always get super hyped reading your comments!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> Wow, I was simply overwhelmed by all the amazing comments, I just, cannot thank you all enough! It made me itch to write again, so here's another chapter!
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

  
After too many names at once _—_ which Neil honestly tried his best to memorize but having severe head trauma apparently didn’t help _—_ they talked a little about unimportant stuff before leaving Neil so he could rest.  
  
When they were gone, Neil let out a big sigh.  
  
He remembered.  
He remembered hearing the news about Kevin breaking his dominant hand during a skiing accident, which cost him his college contract.   
He remembered Kevin choosing to move to Palmetto and work as Wymack’s informal assistant coach.  
Then _—_  
_Pain_ splintered his head and he bent over, grabbing his head between his hands.  
  
But. He _needed_ to remember what had happened to him.  
  
Through gritted teeth, he forced himself to think back about what he’d heard on the radio.

Then _—_

Then Kevin was officially signed to the starting line-up of the Foxes.  
And Neil _—_  
Where had he been when he’d heard this?   
Who had he been?  
  
The edges of his vision started to blur, and black splotches took away parts of his vision, but still Neil forced himself to fucking _remember_.  
  
Flashes of a locker room, where he’d put his sleeping bag, where he’d lived, where he’d heard the news.  
  
It felt as if someone had turned the lights off, the room growing darker around him as he bulldozed through the pain.

It was probably why he didn’t hear the door open, nor saw him enter and sit down on the same chair as the first time he’d seen him.

‘You’re so fucking stupid.’  
  
Startled, Neil released the death grip on his head and looked up.  
It was the wrong move.  
Darkness swallowed the room,  
and Neil felt himself slip away, his body falling sideways out of the bed.  
  
Andrew caught him before he could fall.  
  
‘I should let you crack your head on the floor,’ he said, irritated.  
  
With the last of his focus, Neil spat back, ‘It’s probably what you did in the first place.’

That made Andrew freeze. He instantly released his grip on Neil, but Neil wasn’t conscious anymore to notice.  
  
\- / -  
  
Judging by the low position of the sun, half a day must’ve passed.  
Andrew was still next to the bed, staring into nothing.  
  
Why?  
  
Neil didn’t trust him, and the fact that the only recent memory he had was the accusation that Andrew had done this to him   
didn't exactly help.  
But he couldn’t very well blame him if, so far, all he’d done was help him and stay by his side for god knows how long.  
  
Slowly turning his head, so Andrew wouldn’t hear him move, Neil observed him.  
His eyes lingered on the two black wristbands that reached from his wrists to his elbows _—_ why was he wearing them? _—_ then travelled over black pants, a black shirt and his relaxed slouch in the chair.  
  
The only bright thing about Andrew seemed to be his hair,   
because his absentminded stare bordered on downright emotionless.

Neil wondered again, why.  
Why, why, why, why.  
  
‘Staring,’ Andrew said flatly.  
  
Neil blinked. ‘Why?’  
  
Andrew didn’t bother to look his way as he repeated, ‘Why.’  
_  
_ There were so many questions Neil wanted to ask him, but his thoughts were sluggish and slow. He wanted Andrew to talk to him. _Why._  
  
Neil sighed. ‘Where am I?’  
  
Andrew finally looked at him, hazel eyes staring into Neil. 'That’s not a why question.’  
  
Neil couldn’t hold his gaze very long, so he tiredly closed his eyes, giving up on getting information out of Andrew for now. What was he even thinking? That the guy who punched him into memory loss would give him honest answers?  
  
So it surprised him, eyes flying open, when Andrew said, ‘Just Palmetto.’

Oh, so he never left from where he was supposed to be living.  
No wonder he was caught and beaten. It was stupid to stay in the same place for so long.  
  
Wait.  
Did he really believe Andrew?  
Neil finally settled on his why question.  
  
‘Why should I believe you?’  
  
With a flick of his hand, Andrew waved his words away and looked out the window again. ‘Then don’t ask questions.’  
  
Neil said nothing.  
  
After a few seconds of staring at Andrew however, Neil felt the exhaustion slowly drag him under again.   
That, or it was the generous amount of morphine they gave him.    
  
‘I hate this,’ he muttered. Andrew turned his head. ‘The morphine is too much,’ Neil explained, ‘I don’t feel anything.’  
  
Andrew didn't respond, just kept looking at him, so Neil closed his eyes to block him out.   
But he could still feel Andrew’s heavy stare.  
  
The chair creaked as Andrew leaned forward.  
  
Something in Neil wanted to shift away, and it seemed as if Andrew had picked up on that, because he stopped moving.  
  
Neil sighed quietly.  
  
‘ _N_ _eil—_ ’  
  
His name was said through clenched teeth,   
and with the most emotion Neil had ever heard from Andrew, which still wasn’t a lot.  
It made him want to open his eyes, but he already knew he was too far away, drifting on his morphine-filled veins.  
  
A flash of something.  
Perhaps a memory.  
Perhaps a key.  
  
\- / -  
  
The next day, when Neil woke up, his body, and especially his head, _hurt_.  
When he lifted his hand to brush a few strands of hair from his face, he involuntarily grunted in pain.  
  
The nurse next to his bed was watering the intense orange flowers. At the sound of his grunt, she turned towards him. ‘How are you feeling?’  
  
Neil tried to glare at her. 'Terrible.’  
  
‘Sorry to hear that,’ the nurse smiled sympathetically, ‘We’ve lowered your dose of morphine.’  
  
That explained why his body felt so worn out and tired. Neil could swear he felt every muscle in his body protest as he tried to sit up. His head also wasn’t liking the movement.  
  
But at least he was feeling something.  
  
He turned his head towards the nurse.

‘Why?’ he asked.

Her smile got a little strained as she replied, ‘That guy can be very... persuasive. Don’t worry though, you’re healing splendidly. You should be able to handle a lower dose.’  
  
Neil stared puzzled at the empty chair beside his bed.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I need to call this fanfic 'why' instead haha
> 
> I really hope you're all still enjoying the fic! Please leave a comment with your thoughts, I love reading them ♡
> 
> next time; neil leaves the hospital


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, more angst in this chapter
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Besides the fact that Neil couldn't remember the last two years of his life, the damage that had been done to him on the surface was indeed healing quickly.  
  
So a few days later, he found himself walking through the hospital doors towards a life he had no clue how to live.  
  
It wasn't really a surprise that the whole team was waiting for him behind those doors.  
For that was what his ‘friends' were: the Palmetto state foxes, and Neil’s team mates.

The big friendly guy, Matt, pulled him into a bear hug that Neil would've rather skipped.  
His head was still hurting a little, especially when being manhandled.  
  
When Neil grunted, Matt reluctantly let him go. ‘It’s just so good to see you out of the hospital,’ he said apologetically. ‘That room made you look so ill.’

 ‘That's because he was ill,’ Dan, the girl with the short hair, said, but she looked happy to see him out of there as well. Both had been really attentive the last couple of days, grabbing Neil sandwiches from the café downstairs and talking about everything and nothing with him.  
It was how Neil had learned that Dan was the foxes’ captain.  
  
They had also been there for him when he’d really looked in a mirror for the first time, and started panicking when his father’s eyes had looked back at him.  
When he nearly started pulling his auburn hair out, Matt had stumbled into the bathroom and calmed him down enough to explain that this had been Neil’s appearance for over a year now, and so far, he was safe.  
  
Neil had wanted to argue that he wasn’t, because look where he was now, but Dan said with a certain surety that it couldn’t have been his father.  
That made him calm down.  
A little.

Looking around, Neil frowned when he saw Andrew and not-Andrew, who Nicky later explained was Andrew’s twin brother Aaron, standing farther away. Kevin was standing between them.

The rest of the foxes prodded and poked him for a while, and after everyone had made sure he was still Neil, whoever that was, they turned towards their cars to ride back to their shared flat.  
  
The group split in two, so Neil followed Matt and Dan, having grown a little accustomed to them.  
When everyone seemed to freeze for a second, Neil knew he'd made another mistake.

‘No? I have my own expensive car?’ he guessed awkwardly.  
  
Behind Matt and Dan, he saw Renee shake her head.

But that meant _—_

‘No way. How could you let me drive back with _him_?’ Neil asked in shock.

‘Neil,’ Nicky started. He was standing near Kevin and the twins. Near Andrew.

‘Why would I get in the same car as the person who did _this_ to me?’ Neil gestured to his head.

Nicky actually flinched.

Nobody said anything. 

They all seemed shocked by his words.  
Why?  
Even though Andrew hadn't actually hit him while he'd been in the hospital, he saw how the rest treated him. Mostly, they avoided him, but Neil knew what it meant.  
They were all a little scared of him.  
  
And then there was the sentence Neil remembered.  
  
With a pained look on his face, Nicky took a step towards him.  
Neil took one back.  
  
‘Neil, Andrew didn't-’

‘He can go with Matt,’ Andrew interrupted Nicky.  
  
Without looking at Neil, he turned around and got into one of the most expensive cars Neil had ever seen.

The rest of Andrew’s group followed silently.  
  
When Neil squeezed himself in the back of Matt’s truck, where the rest was already waiting, it was the blonde girl Allison who broke the tense silence.  
  
‘You know, maybe we should cancel our holiday.’  
  
\- / -  
  
The tower, as the foxes called it, was a large apartment complex, where the foxes all lived on the same floor. Obviously in different apartments, Matt had said with a sad sigh.  
When Dan giggled, Neil could guess why.  
  
This time, when they reached one of the doors, Neil waited for the others to tell him where he lived.  
  
He hated it.  
The not knowing.  
His jaw clenched as he waited patiently for one of them to _get_ that he didn’t know.  
  
Surprisingly, it was Aaron who walked up to him.  
  
‘We switched rooms.’  
  
That didn’t tell him anything. He looked over at Nicky for help.  
  
‘You live with me,’ Nikcy said, then added, ‘With us.’  
  
Neil saw Nicky shoot a desperate look over his shoulder at Matt.  
  
‘Uh yeah,’ Matt chimed in, ‘Because you used to live with me, but then, uh, you switched rooms with Aaron.’  
  
Neil knew where this was going.  
  
‘Let me guess. I live in the same apartment as Andrew.’  
  
The silence was all the confirmation he needed. Balling his hands into fists, Neil wanted to _leave_.  
His body tensed, ready to go at the tiniest push from Neil.  
  
This was _—_  
What had he been thinking, hanging around the person who punched him into oblivion?  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Andrew turning towards him, and he was ready, ready to just go, but then.  
Then Andrew shrugged and walked into the apartment.  
  
‘Look, Neil, if you want you can come live with me again,’ Matt offered.  
  
‘Or he can actually get some fucking rest and stay with me for a while,’ a gruff voice said from behind him.  
  
Neil turned and saw the coach of the foxes, David Wymack, approaching them. He was a tall man with tribal flame tattoos on his forearms.  
  
‘I’m David Wymack,’ he introduced himself, which Neil thought was thoughtful.  
  
‘Coach, we’re not going to molest someone who has amnesia,’ Nicky argued.  
  
Wymack only shot him a look that spoke volumes about what exactly the foxes normally did, before turning his attention on Neil again.  
  
Neil nodded.  
  
‘Then it’s settled. Go pack your stuff and let’s get out of here. I spoke with the nurses, I know your head isn’t completely healed yet, so you’re not allowed to play until you’re better.’  
  
Not allowed to play.  
There wasn’t even one silver lining about this situation, was there?  
  
Nodding numbly, Neil reluctantly followed Nicky into the apartment to get his things.  
  
The living room wasn’t anything impressive, nor was it overly welcoming.  
It didn’t feel familiar at all.  
  
Sitting on one of the two beanbag chairs, Kevin didn’t acknowledge his presence, watching something on his laptop.  
  
‘Bet you it’s an Exy game,’ Nicky whispered, but Neil didn’t respond.  
  
Bracing himself, he opened the door to the bedroom and saw Andrew sitting by the window, smoking.  
  
‘Are you allowed to smoke in here?’ he asked without thinking.  
  
Andrew didn’t look at him as he slowly blew the cigarette smoke out through his mouth.  
It seemed like a long sigh to Neil.  
  
He glanced at the bunkbeds and tried to figure out which one was his, but the walls next to the beds didn’t hold anything personal.  
  
‘Top bunk,’ Andrew said, bored.  
  
Neil squinted. ‘Who’s below me?’  
  
This made Andrew slowly turn his head.

His eyes looked dead as he took another drag of his cigarette, before blowing the smoke in Neil’s direction.  
  
Just to be sure, Neil searched his bed for anything he might’ve left, hidden, under his pillow.  
_Like a gun._  
But what his hands grabbed was something else entirely.  
Neil lifted it to his face.  
  
A set of keys.  
  
He peered at them.  
One of the keys looked… familiar.  
Neil was sure he could draw the shape of the key on his hand if he wanted to.  
  
Why?  
  
Something flashed through his mind _—_ a memory? Whatever it was, it came with a piercing sharpness that hurt, and Neil gasped as he felt himself sway.  
Then he fell.  
  
A sharp ringing sound.  
  
Neil opened his eyes.  
  
Andrew was standing above him.  
  
They looked at each other.

Neil’s hand twitched.  
He was gripping something.  
  
Slowly, he opened his fist and saw the set of keys.  
  
‘I can trace the pattern of this key from memory,’ he said, and held up the particular key.  
  
Something flashed behind Andrew’s eyes. He looked angry.  
  
‘Why?’ Neil wondered. ‘Why did I trace the imprint of this key so many times, my muscle memory still remembers?’  
  
In the blink of an eye, he was grabbed by the front of his shirt, while Andrew sank to the floor.  
One of Andrew’s fists was raised into the air, as if he was going to punch Neil.  
  
_Remember._

‘Fuck you,’ Andrew spit out. His fist trembled in the air.  
  
That seemed to make Andrew even angrier.  
  
His eyes burned holes into Neil as he said, ‘I _hate_ you.’  
  
Then he was off him, and back to the window.  
  
Sitting up slowly, Neil watched how Andrew lit another cigarette, then took a deep drag.  
  
They didn’t say anything to each other as Neil searched in the closet for a bag and some of his clothes, _his binder_ , and apparently his cell phone? He didn’t know he had a cell phone.  
Then he was out the door.  
  
Andrew hadn’t looked at him once.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, thoughts and everything is very much appreciated since it makes me super happy <3 Honestly, reading some of your comments, I cannot guys, you're too sweet :) 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this story and I hope you have a lovely weekend!
> 
> next time; knocking on the door


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> So there were two songs I listened to on repeat to really get into the mood for this chapter/scene. I'd recommend you listen to them before or during reading :) Or after, really, whatever works for you !
> 
> Sorry - Halsey ( "sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really, starts to fall in love with me. Didn't mean to leave you, and all of the things that we had behind." )
> 
> Oblivion - Bastille (this was mostly just the vibe of the song and the fitting title)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

At Wymack’s apartment, Neil got the whole of a couch for himself. Wymack had looked a little uncomfortable when he showed him, worried about his head injury, but Neil reassured him it was just internal damage by now.  
Wymack had snorted and told him that wasn’t anything new.  
  
Lying on the couch and staring up at the ceiling, Neil tried to figure out what to do next.   
In particular, if he should run.  
  
His body was itching for him to go, because it simply wasn’t safe here and Neil didn’t know who he could trust.  
But.  
But he’d been told he could play Exy here.  
  
And oh, how he wanted to play again.  
  
A short, hot flash that came with mild discomfort.  
He felt his legs burn as he was running, not away from people but towards a ball, on a court, _playing Exy_.   
He was breathing harshly from the exertion, but it felt so good when he swung the ball into the goal and saw it light up.  
  
With a gasp, Neil processed the convenient memory.  
And decided to stay for a few more days.  
  
\- / -  
  
Surprisingly, only Matt had come to visit him the last couple of days.   
The rest of the foxes probably tried to honour his request for some rest.  
  
Neil didn’t mind.  
He slept horribly, plagued by weird nightmares that were mostly images or, Neil guessed, memories.  
  
He wasn’t really in a sociable mood. Wymack also seemed to respect that, and left him mostly alone.  
  
Until Nicky visited.  
  
Neil blinked in surprise as he opened the door.  
  
‘Neil! You look way better than a few days ago,’ Nicky said as he entered the living room.   
  
Neil silently followed him. They sat down on ‘his’ couch.  
  
‘So how are you?’  
  
‘I’m fine.'

Nicky laughed. ‘Yeah, of course. So... did any of the memories return yet?’  
  
Neil stared at his hands. ‘A few about me playing Exy have returned.’  
  
‘And?’  
  
‘That’s it really. I’m mostly playing Exy, and I’m happy.’  
  
‘Okay... So no other memories that made you happy?’  
  
Neil looked puzzled at Nicky. ‘No. Why?’  
  
Fidgeting with his hands, Nicky looked a little awkward as he began, ‘Well, you see… It’s just. God, I know you’re not going to like this, but-’  
  
‘This isn’t a social visit, is it?’   
  
‘No _._ Yes, it _is_.’ Nicky looked a little lost. ‘It’s just that I’m concerned.’  
  
‘About?’  
  
But Neil didn’t need to hear Nicky say it out loud to know.  
  
‘Andrew.’  
  
Of course.  
  
‘What? He's grown tired of waiting for his chance to off me?’  
  
Nicky looked pained. ‘No, Neil, it’s not like that. It’s _—_ I haven’t seen Andrew in a few days.’  
  
That didn’t concern him.  
  
‘What, so he’s run off?’  
  
‘No, I mean Andrew hasn’t been mentally present for the last couple of days.’  
  
Neil frowned.  
He failed to see why Nicky would talk to him about it.  
  
After taking one look at his face, Nicky groaned and leaned back on the couch. ‘Ugh, don’t look at me like that. Fuck, I’m already risking my life coming here, and now you’re looking at me like I wasted my last precious day on earth.’  
  
Neil’s hands clenched into fists.  
  
‘Look, I think we were friends before, and I understand why,’ Neil started. Nicky seemed to perk up at that. ‘But I don’t know why you’d come to me about Andrew’s mental state. I don’t know anything about him. So unless it’s about him wanting to finish the job and kill me, I can’t help you, sorry.’  
  
Nicky’s shoulders sagged. ‘You keep saying that,’ he muttered.  
  
Wymack entered the living room. He did a double take when he saw Nicky.  
  
‘Why are you here?’ he asked. ‘I’m surprised Andrew let you out.’  
  
Nicky cringed, then glanced over at Neil. ‘Yeah, and I think I risked my life for nothing.’  
  
Neil shrugged.  
  
When he walked Nicky back to the door, he saw the other wanted to say something but hesitating.  
  
Neil didn’t know how or why it was triggered,   
but all of a sudden a memory forced its way into his brain:   
a name and an image.  
  
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. ‘How’s Erik?’ he asked, testing the name out.  
  
Nicky’s eyes widened.  
A huge smile spread on his face.  
  
‘He’s great! This is great, Neil, wow, did you just remember?’  
  
Neil nodded, and Nicky gushed on. ‘Maybe it’s because I was near you for a longer period of time. Perhaps that triggers your memories? This is great!’  
  
Neil wasn’t sure that was it, because for him the memories still felt a little random, but he didn’t want to ruin Nicky’s enthusiasm so he said nothing and waved as Nicky left him and his ruined mind alone again.  
  
\- / -  
  
After yet another nightmare, Neil woke up gasping and sweating.   
It scared him to think about how much of his nightmares were, or had been, real.   
  
His arms were burning.  
The pain felt real.

Blindly, he reached for the keys under his pillow and grasped them firmly in his hand.  
  
They made him feel better.  
Because how could he leave a place where he had keys?  
Keys meant Neil had explicit permission to be here.   
They meant he belonged.  
  
Suddenly, someone banged on the door.  
  
Neil shot up,   
stared in shock and panic at the door.  
What should he do?  
  
Another bang.   
It rattled the door with its force.  
  
Heart pounding in his chest, Neil knew he had a decent chance to get out via a window if he tried, though his head wouldn’t like it. But that wasn’t important.  
His safety, that was important.  
  
What if it was his father?  
  
His legs were tensed, ready to go.  
  
Then.  
  
‘Neil, open the fucking door,’ Andrew called out.  
  
Neil froze.  
  
Another bang shook the door and Neil jumped a little, dropping the keys to the floor.  
The small clunk when they hit the ground seemed extra loud.  
  
Silence.  
Then, a small _thud_ against the door and a rattled, deep intake of breath.  
  
Unsure of himself, Neil slowly got to his feet, and walked silently to the door.  
When he was close, he could hear how troubled Andrew’s breathing was.  
  
It sounded like he was struggling, fighting off a panic attack.  
  
Reaching out, Neil put his hand against the door.  
  
Why.  
  
‘Open the door,’ Andrew repeated, through clenched teeth. He sounded angry.  
  
Why, Neil thought.  
Why is he here?  
Was he drunk?  
Or did Andrew just want to finish what he’d started?  
  
It seemed like forever that Neil stood there, unsure, one hand against the door, the other clutching the keys.

Listening to Andrew fighting to get himself under control.  
  
Neil didn’t know if he could trust Andrew.  
He didn’t know him at all, really.  
But even he could tell this wasn’t normal behaviour for him.  
  
Andrew didn’t bang on the door anymore.  
All the anger seemed to have gone.  
  
Neil vaguely wondered if it would be safe to open the door, but his body was still tense, ready to run if the situation got dangerous.  
  
Andrew drew in a shaky breath.  
It didn’t seem to work.  
Neil heard his breath hitch, then fasten again.

He sounded close to hyperventilating.  
  
A minute passed.

Until.

The word was so quiet that Neil almost wondered if he’d heard correctly.  
  
‘ _Please_.’  
  
Andrew's voice broke halfway through the word.

Like it had been said with his last breath.

To his own surprise, Neil’s heart clenched.  
And so he opened the door.  
  
It was dark in the apartment, and dark in the hallway.  
Though moonlight filtered through the windows, it wasn’t really enough to see by.  
But Neil and Andrew had been in the dark long enough to have adjusted.  
  
So when the door opened, Neil could see Andrew clearly.  
Could see the look of disbelief on Andrew’s face.  
  
It puzzled Neil.  
He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what Andrew wanted, so he just stood there, holding the door open for Andrew.  
  
Andrew simply stared at him.

Neil noted his breathing had slowed down.  
  
Their silence should have been awkward, but it wasn’t.  
  
And it seemed as if this was all Andrew had wanted, because Neil could see him pulling himself together as everything about him radiated boredom once again.  
Except his eyes.  
They were focused on Neil.  
  
‘You’re so fucking stupid,’ Andrew said, but the words lost their aggression because Andrew’s voice still sounded rough.  
  
Neil frowned. ‘Why?’  
  
He hoped Andrew would understand what he was really asking.  
But if he did, it didn’t show, because Andrew put his hands in his pockets and turned around.  
  
Frustrating.  
  
‘Andrew,’ Neil called out, and to his surprise Andrew stopped. ‘Is it yours? The key?’  
  
With a shrug, Andrew replied, ‘You can keep it for a little longer.’  
  
Then he left, leaving Neil to wonder why.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!  
> I've started a new quick two week English course, so if I have a lot of homework I can't always reply quickly to your comments, but I'll try my best because they make me so happy :D
> 
> It motivates me so much to continue writing, and of course I'm also writing this for myself, but I don't know, I just get so much more hype and enthusiastic to work on this story!
> 
> So thank you for supporting me like that <3 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter!  
> (because wow was I anxious about this scene)
> 
> next time; exy + going somewhere? :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo lovely people!
> 
> BOY do I have a lot of homework. I'm so happy I've been writing like crazy, so this chapter could go up today as planned. Let me know if the uploading schedule is too much btw, then I'll change it :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

There was no word from Andrew for another week, and Nicky didn’t visit him again.  
  
Neil felt himself slowly going crazy inside Wymack’s apartment, but he didn’t know where else to go and he was afraid that if he left, he wouldn’t return.  
  
So hearing Wymack gruffly say, ‘You can _watch_ practice today.’ felt like bliss,  
and after Neil stepped onto the court, he felt like he could finally breathe again.  
  
The rest of the team was warming up, doing some pretty impressive drills from the looks of i _—_  
  
The memory came with the now familiar blinding sharpness.  
Neil grabbed his head as he swayed on his feet.  
  
They were _Raven_ drills.  
At night.  
He'd practiced these with Kevin at night,  
learned a new one each time he’d mastered one.  
  
The memory was suddenly very vivid, as if he was _there_. Neil could hear the insults Kevin shouted at him as he struggled through another harsh drill, felt the grass as he fell down, saw Andrew sitting on the benches, smoking, looking bored as always. When would he finally start training with them?  
  
With a gasp, Neil returned from the memory.  
Found himself on his knees, one of his hands clutching his head.    
  
His team mates were surrounding him, but at a respectful distance this time.  
Someone kneeled in front of him.  
  
‘Neil?’ Matt asked.  
  
Neil looked up. ‘I’m fine.’  
  
Supporting him under his arm, Matt helped him stand again. He still looked concerned.  
  
‘It’s just a memory that returned,’ Neil explained.  
  
He stepped away and tried to smile reassuringly, but he’d underestimated how dizzy he was.  
Stumbling, he would’ve probably knocked the person next to him over if it hadn’t been Kevin.  
  
Neil took a step back and shot an accusatory glare his way. ‘And you’re really impossible to train with. Why did I bother coming here at night?’

Kevin looked at him. ‘Because you want to be on this court.’  
  
Neil sighed. Obviously.  
  
‘That’s it?’ Nicky asked, his disappointment obvious.  
  
‘Sorry.’  
  
‘You sure you didn’t remember anything about _—_ ’ Nicky got cut off by Andrew’s elbow in his ribs. He doubled over in pain.  
  
Before Neil could reply, Wymack clapped his hands. ‘I told Neil he could watch practice today, not that you could watch Neil. Let’s go, you lazy fucks.’  
  
When everyone was out of earshot, Wymack turned to look at Neil. 'You tell me when you’re not fine, okay?’  
  
Neil nodded.  
  
‘Good. Now get off the court, addict, you’re not allowed to train yet.’  
  
\- / -  
  
Neil watched the foxes train and concluded that they played just like in his memories.  
  
Or not played, in Andrew’s case, who stood in the goal and did nothing to stop any balls coming his way.  
To Kevin’s frustration.  
He saw him yell something at Andrew, but Andrew didn’t bother responding. Kevin tried a few more times, and when nothing worked he stalked over to Neil.  
  
Neil raised his eyebrows as a seething Kevin stood in front of him and demanded, ‘Get your minion to train.’  
  
Shocked, Neil processed the words. ‘What?’  
  
Dan, being close already and overhearing Kevin’s angry tone, ran towards them. ‘Everything okay?’ she asked, looking at Kevin and Neil, assessing the situation.  
  
‘I only asked Neil to get that monster to train,’ Kevin said, frustrated.  
  
Dan looked at Neil, who stared confused back, and sighed. ‘Kevin, Neil doesn’t know what you’re talking about. He’s lost his memory, remember?’  
  
That took a second or two to get through to the one-minded Kevin, but when it did, he angrily threw his hands in the air. ‘Guess I’m the only one who actually wants to win.’  
  
He stalked away.  
Neil watched Kevin walk back to Andrew and pick up his racket again.  
His gaze slid to Andrew.  
  
‘Why doesn’t he train?’ he asked Dan.  
  
‘He’s not really interested in Exy.’  
  
Neil hummed as he watched Andrew lean casually on his racket, which was larger than himself.  
He couldn’t see his face very well, because of the helmet goal keepers were supposed to wear, but he could imagine that those hazel eyes looked very bored right now.  
  
‘But you’re interested, aren’t you?’  
  
Startled, because he hadn’t realized Dan was still there, Neil looked back at her.  
  
‘What?’ he asked.

Of course he was interested in Exy.

But she only smiled in response. ‘Nothing.’  
  
\- / -  
  
After practice, the foxes filled the lounge and relaxed on the couches.  
  
Neil saw they were splitting up again, and hesitated for a second before sitting down next to Matt.  
He felt Nicky’s gaze on him, but decided to ignore it as he waited for Wymack to enter the room.  
  
But it was Dan who stood up and took control.  
  
‘Okay, so. Allison managed to reschedule or rebook or whatever kind of magic trick she did, so our planned holiday has been moved to this weekend.’ She looked at Neil as she explained, ‘We thought it would be good for you to go with us. Get to know us better.’  
  
‘Yeah,’ Nicky chimed in. ‘Since one of your memories returned when you were hanging out with me.’  
  
Andrew turned to look sharply at Nicky, whose face seemed to pale as he realized what he’d just confessed.  
  
‘Someone didn’t listen,’ Andrew said.  
  
Nicky held up his hands in defence. ‘I’m sorry, but look what we’ve discovered, Andrew. Perhaps if you spend more time with Neil, he _—'_  
  
Whatever he was about to say got cut off as Andrew punched Nicky in the gut.  
Nicky’s breath left him in a big woosh, but he didn’t get a chance to recover as Andrew gripped his neck with one hand.  
  
Neil looked around in shock,  
but the other foxes didn’t seem surprised.  
  
They seemed on edge but other than that, this seemed to be a normal sight for them. Was no one going to stop Andrew from choking Nicky?  
Whatever did Nicky do to deserve this?  
  
Before he knew what he was doing, Neil called out, ‘Andrew.’  
  
Andrew’s shoulders tensed for a second, then he demanded, ‘What happened?’  
  
Neil shrugged, even though Andrew couldn’t see it. ‘Nothing, really, except Nicky talking my head off about his boyfriend,’ he lied.  
  
After what felt like minutes, the grip on Nicky’s neck loosened gradually, and Neil saw Nicky take a big breath as Andrew slowly moved away.  
  
‘Okay,’ Dan said hesitantly, as if Andrew hadn’t just tried to kill one of her team mates, as if this was normal and accepted behaviour.  
  
Neil felt himself get angry.  
Who the fuck did Andrew think he was that he could get away with abusing his team mates,   
with abusing Neil until he'd lost most of his memories?  
  
He clenched his hands into fists, and forced himself to listen to his captain.  
  
‘That’s all, really. There’s no court around, but there’s a gym,’ she added, when Kevin appeared nervous about the prospect of not training. ‘We can leave Saturday morning. That is, if Neil’s okay with this.’  
  
Everyone turned their heads to look at Neil.  
  
Feeling uncomfortable under their stares, Neil shrugged.  
  
‘Okay,’ Dan continued, ‘I guess that me _—_ ’  
  
Andrew interrupted her. ‘Yes or no, Neil.’  
  
Clenching his fists, Neil said, ‘Yes.’  
  
Dan smiled hesitantly.  
  
‘This promises to be fun,’ Allison said cheerfully.  
  
\- / -  
  
The days passed relatively quickly for Neil, who spent most of them being anxious, or trying to recover all of his memories in record time.  
  
He mostly just ended up with a terrible, terrible headache and a few random memories of him hanging out with Matt or training with Kevin.  
  
Then it was Saturday.  
Since he hadn’t slept much, Neil was up before dawn, waiting impatiently for Matt to come pick him up.  
  
Everyone was already in the car when Neil opened the door, and they all greeted him enthusiastically.  
  
When they'd been driving for about five minutes, Neil spotted a ridiculously expensive looking, sleek black car driving behind them.   
  
Renee noticed his stare. ‘That’s _—_ ’ she started, but Neil interrupted her.  
  
‘I know who that is.’  
  
The rest of the drive was spent talking and discussing some silly topics.   
Without meaning to, Neil found himself getting dragged into some of them.  
  
The silly discussions matched with his memories, he noted.  
  
‘We talked like this a lot, didn’t we?’ he asked Matt.  
  
Looking in his rearview mirror at Neil, Matt nodded happily.  
  
‘Yeah, we did.’  
  
\- / -

Their bungalow was somewhere in the mountains.  
  
When they got out of the car, Neil wandered off while the rest unloaded the truck, since they all refused to let Neil carry anything heavy. He’d had to fight with Matt for a few seconds, and eventually had made him promise to not let anyone open his bag, before reluctantly handing it over.  
  
He stepped closer to a ledge which overlooked part of a large forest, a few bungalows similar to theirs spread between the trees.  
  
Being out here felt great.

There weren’t many people, nothing was rented under one of his fake names, and there was nothing to link Neil Josten to this place.  
For a while, he was off the grid.  
  
If only he had all his memories.

He took a deep breath.  
  
Footsteps.  
  
Without having to look, Neil knew Andrew was standing close beside him.  
  
‘If you want, you can push me off right now,’ he said, refusing to be threatened.  
  
From the corner of his eye, he saw Andrew move his hand closer.  
For one moment, Neil thought Andrew was actually going to push him, but then Andrew’s hand twitched and he dropped it again.  
  
‘No, you’re still at 104,’ Andrew said flatly.  
  
What did that mean?  
  
Neil turned to look at Andrew.  
Studied his profile.  
There were large, dark circles under his eyes and his skin was even paler and grayer than usual.  
  
‘You look like shit,’ Neil observed.  
  
Andrew only shot him a bored look before taking a packet of cigarettes from his pocket. ‘Still you’re staring.’  
  
He handed Neil one of the two cigarettes.  
  
Neil raised an eyebrow as he took it. ‘How did you know I smoke?’  
  
But Andrew didn’t respond, only took a slow drag as he stared at the view below.  
  
A bit hesitant at first but growing more relaxed after the first few drags, Neil calmly smoked his cigarette next to Andrew.  
The only sounds were the call of birds and the faraway voices of the rest of the foxes.  
  
When he finished it, he looked at the smoke drifting away, before throwing the stump over the edge.  
Watching it drop, Neil startled back as Andrew finally talked again.  
  
‘I thought you were observant.’  
  
‘I guess having severe head trauma does something to your head,’ Neil shot back. ‘Funny, right?’  
  
Andrew turned around.  
  
‘Nothing’s funny about this.’  
  
As Neil watched him walk back to the cars, he saw that the rest was mostly done with packing.  
  
To his surprise, he noticed that Matt and Dan had been watching them.  
When they saw him looking, they smiled and held up their thumbs.  
  
Neil had no idea why.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaahh, I'm so sorry Nicky, I know you mean well <3 (and Andrew probably does too)
> 
> Thank you for reading! This chapter was slightly longer than the others, and I hope you enjoyed it just as much. Please let me know what you think about the story and the characters and everything, or just yell your feelings at me, that works too :D I'm always super happy to read what you have to say! 
> 
> next time; the bungalow & where is Neil's bag?
> 
> Have a lovely day/evening!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> WOw I had not expected to be so exhausted and flooded with work. But ah, only one more week to go and then I'm finished with the course and I can spend all my time writing! Okay maybe not ALL my time, but most of it :) 
> 
> This chapter is even longer than the previous one, WOW
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Inside the bungalow, the rest of the foxes were running around and claiming bedrooms as they went.  
It was huge inside, and Neil remembered Allison had paid for this trip. Alone.  
She must be rich.  
  
Then he noticed that all the bags had been brought to the bedrooms and so, with a bad feeling in his stomach, he started searching the rooms for his bag.  
  
The first door he opened had Renee and Allison turn around in surprise, then smile friendly at him.  
  
‘Hey Neil,’ Renee said. ‘Did you need anything?’  
  
‘I’m just looking for my bag.’  
  
‘Oh, I think I saw Nicky with it.’  
  
The bad feeling intensified.  
  
The other rooms on the first floor contained Matt and Dan, which confirmed Neil’s suspicion that they were dating, Kevin, who had a room to himself, and Aaron and Nicky.  
Except Nicky was absent.  
  
‘I don’t know why he bothers,' Aaron said, as Neil walked in.  
  
Neil wasn’t sure who exactly Aaron meant, so he merely shrugged. ‘I just want to find my bag.’  
  
Crossing his arms over his chest, Aaron looked disinterested at him. ‘I think you should be more interested in finding your memories. For everyone’s sake.’  
  
This made Neil stop.  
  
Was _—_  Was he an extreme inconvenience?  
  
Now that he thought about it, it actually made total sense.  
_O_ _f course_ he was an inconvenience.  
Everyone had to mind what they were saying all the time, had to treat him carefully because they didn’t know what he remembered.  
That was _—_  
Terrible.  
  
Neil gritted his teeth and walked out.  
  
He hated this.  
  
He hated not remembering.  
  
He hated that people had to adjust their behaviour for him.  
  
Neil stomped down the stairs to the only bedroom on the ground floor.  
  
If only Andrew hadn’t punched him so hard that he’d lost his memories, none of this would’ve happened. He’d probably be playing Exy with Kevin, having pointless discussions with Matt, and generally living a pretty decent life.  
  
With more force than he meant to use, he pushed the bedroom door open.  
His eyes zoomed in on the king-size bed.  
The king-size bed with his bag and Andrew on it, who was shuffling through his own bag. He’d put it on the floor between his legs, so when Neil stormed into the room, he looked up with mild surprise.  
  
‘What’s this?’ Neil demanded.  
  
‘You have to be more specific. I don’t know if you remember what a bed looks like.’  
  
Seething, Neil grabbed his bag from the bed and held it close to his body. ‘Why are you in the room?’  
  
Andrew merely looked at him.  
  
Hands clenching into fists, his body tense and thrumming with energy, Neil recognized the signs after spending so many years listening to them.  
His body told him it was time to run, to run and  _go._  
Leave behind this mess, the inconvenience that he was for these mostly friendly people,  
leave behind the danger and threat that was Andrew.  
  
Something changed in Andrew’s eyes, but Neil had already made up his mind and took a step back.  
  
Standing up slowly, Andrew took a step towards him.  
  
‘You can pick another room.’  
  
Neil only laughed bitterly at that.

He took another step back.  
  
‘Go bunk with Kevin, he has a room to himself,’ Andrew continued, taking another few steps forward while Neil took another back.  
  
But then Neil's back hit the door, and Andrew used his surprise to close the distance between them,  
until there was only a millimeter of space left between their bodies.  
  
‘There’s only one option here, Neil,’ Andrew said lowly.  
  
Neil glared at him, his body tense from the close proximity and anger, but Andrew continued, ‘Do you really want to be the one to make Matt and the others cry?’  
  
This surprised Neil.  
Why would Matt cry over him?  
  
Apparently it showed on his face, because Andrew scoffed before gripping the back of Neil’s neck and dragging his head down so he could touch their foreheads together.  
  
Neil didn’t expect the surge of adrenaline that rushed through his body.  
  
Staring intently into his eyes, Andrew’s hand was warm and steadying, and Neil was surprised by the lack of animosity.  
  
‘If I’m supposed to feel threatened or scared right now,’ he said quietly, ‘I’m not feeling it.’  
  
Andrew’s eyes were searching his for something as he asked, ‘Then what are you feeling?’  
  
They were so close now that Neil could feel Andrew’s breath against his lips.  
It was weirdly intimate.  
  
He wasn’t sure what the curling feeling in his stomach was, nor how he could put it into words, so Neil lied and said, ‘Nothing.’  
  
For a few seconds, Andrew stared him.  
Searched for something.  
Then he closed his eyes.  
  
Neil thought he looked very tired.  
  
The grip on his neck tightened as Andrew took in a deep, difficult breath before pushing himself off and turning his back on Neil.  
  
‘I don’t care what bed you choose,’ he said. ‘As long as it’s in this bungalow.’  
  
Neil wondered how Andrew knew that he’d wanted to run away.  
He also wondered why he didn’t want to anymore.  
  
Still, he took his bag with him and threw it near the coats in the hallway, leaving Andrew alone in the room.  
  
He’d decide later what to do.  
  
\- / -  
  
Everyone gathered in the living room/kitchen for dinner, everyone including Nicky.  
Neil narrowed his eyes as he entered, which made Nicky stop and hold up his hands apologetically.

Neil was about to accuse him of planned murder _—_ who in their right mind would put someone together with Andrew? In a king-size bed? _—_ but then Dan started delegating cooking tasks to people and Neil had to be satisfied with angrily cutting onions.  
  
After a minute, Nicky hesitatingly joined him.  
Neil guessed he looked a little intimidating with the glare and the tears on his face.  
  
‘You know,’ Nicky said, ‘we debated giving Andrew this task because we suspect he’s incapable of crying.’  
  
Nicky was probably trying to make him laugh.  
It wasn’t funny though.  
  
‘Or, um, I could help you?’ Nicky tried, when Neil didn't respond.  
  
Silence.  
  
Nicky fidgeted slightly, but he kept smiling as he added, ‘I’m quite the expert on onions.’  
  
With a sigh, Neil relented.

Nicky had probably meant well, in his own way.  
Besides, that day at Wymack’s he’d come to Neil because he was concerned about Andrew, and not Neil’s safety.  
  
The realization made Neil frown.  
  
_Remember that Andrew did this.  
  
_ It didn’t match.

He looked at Nicky, who was already tearing up from the onions.  
  
‘Why?’ he asked for what seemed like the twentieth time. ‘Why were you concerned about Andrew? He nearly choked you.’  
  
Nicky stopped cutting and stared hard at the diced onions. Lowering his voice, he said slowly, ‘Because I broke our promise. I mean, I should’ve seen it coming, but I just thought it would help if I talked to you.’  
  
‘A promise?’   
  
‘To leave you alone while you were at Wymack. To leave certain things alone while you don’t remember.’  
  
The way Nicky was talking made Neil realize again that he still missed large and important parts of his memory.  
The thought made him uncomfortable, but he tried to push it aside.  
  
‘Well, I say you’re allowed to talk to me,’ he offered.  
  
Nicky turned his head in surprise, eyes big, tears still streaming down his cheeks.  
It was an impressive puppy-eyes look.  
  
‘Really?’ he smiled. ‘You want to talk to me?’  
  
The happiness on Nicky’s face made Neil feel awkward, so he just nodded and took the knife from Nicky again. ‘I’ll cut the rest,’ he muttered.  
  
After that, Nicky was content to make good on the lie Neil had told earlier, talking nonstop about his boyfriend Erik, who was still in Germany, he’d sighed sadly.  
  
When the onions were done and delivered to Dan, who nodded approvingly, Neil and Nicky wiped the tears from their faces.

Nicky laughed. ‘Seems like we had a really intense talk.'  
  
Neil imagined how they must look, and to his surprise, a small smile found its way on his face.  
  
Nicky stopped laughing. ‘Neil,’ he said, surprised. ‘That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since the hospital.’  
  
Now that Neil thought about it, it had indeed been a long time since he laughed.  
  
Trying it out, he smiled a little wider.  
  
Nicky laughed again. ‘Very spontaneous, but I’ll take it.’  
  
‘I guess I need to practice a little more,’ Neil tried to joke, but Nicky nodded seriously.  
  
‘Guys,’ Dan called out to them from the other side of the kitchen. ‘Get out, you’re blocking the way. Aaron and Andrew are supposed to cut the other vegetables.’  
  
They turned around to walk away, when Nicky froze for a second. Neil looked curiously over his shoulder.  
  
Unsurprisingly, the twins had already been waiting for them to move.  
  
Without meaning to, Neil met Andrew’s eyes.  
They looked as bored as ever.  
  
He wondered absent-mindedly if Andrew had seen him smile.  
  
\- / -  
  
Nicky tried to coax him into watching Aaron and Andrew cut bell peppers and cucumbers _—_ because apparently that would be entertaining _—_ but then Dan had said that Andrew would probably cut someone else’s cucumber if they stayed to watch.   
Nicky took that as his cue to leave.  
  
On his own again, Neil wandered off to the living room and found Renee and Allison hanging out on one of the couches.

Without having to ask, Renee gestured to one of the other couches, inviting him to sit with them. Her smile was friendly, yet Neil still felt a little cautious around her. He couldn’t quite pin her character down.  
  
‘How are you, Neil?’ she asked in the calm voice she normally used.  
  
And Neil didn’t know what triggered it, but the memory shot before his eyes with a sharp, stinging sensation.

He was running on the court, warming up. Running beside him, Renee and Andrew were talking about who they’d save during a zombie apocalypse.  
It puzzled Neil, whose first instinct would always be to run away, save himself and leave everyone behind.  
But.  
But, and this was new, this was unexpected.  
  
But the memory triggered a second one.  
  
Now Neil was folded over the back of his bus seat, hand spread out so that five fingers were held up for Andrew.   
His voice, talking about the zombie apocalypse, telling Andrew, ‘ _I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you_.’  
Andrew’s calm gaze focused on his face as he replied, ‘ _You wouldn’t._ ’  
  
A hand touched his arm, and Neil was shocked back into the present.  
  
Out of reflex, he batted the hand away, but the person standing next to him didn’t move.  
  
‘Neil,’ he heard Renee’s soft voice. ‘Neil, let go of your head, you’re hurting yourself.’  
  
Only then did he realize his hand was still gripping his head, fingernails digging into his skin.  
  
Lowering his hand, he saw the blood underneath his fingernails.  
Saw how his hand was shaking.  
  
‘Neil,’ Renee said again. Neil looked up. ‘Neil, what happened?’  
  
Taking in a shaky breath, Neil said, ‘It’s _—_ I was running with you and Andrew. You were talking about the zombie apocalypse.’  
  
Renee smiled. ‘That was a fun conversation.’  
  
‘Anything else?’ Allison asked. She was still sitting on the couch.  
  
Neil opened his mouth to tell them about the conversation on the bus, but then.  
Decided against it.  
Somehow, he didn’t want them knowing. Didn't want them knowing what he’d felt in his memory.  
Because he remembered, he remembered feeling… safe.  
Around Andrew.  
  
Renee put the T.V. on, the noise filling the silence, and Neil stared at the screen as he pulled himself together again.  
  
It didn’t make sense.  
  
\- / -  
  
During dinner, Neil had a hard time stopping himself from looking at Andrew.  
  
His curious gaze would fall on him for a few seconds, before Neil sternly told himself it wasn’t the best idea, for his own safety, to catch Andrew’s attention.  
  
As long as he stayed out of Andrew’s way, he would probably leave him alone.   
Perhaps that was why he’d felt safe in the memory? But, no, that didn’t make any sense, because he’d been talking to Andrew, and Andrew had paid attention to him.  
So why?  
Why would he feel safe with Andrew?

So many _why_ questions.  
They made his head hurt.  
  
Someone suddenly dropped their fork, startling Neil out of his thoughts.  
  
He blinked, and realized he’d been staring at Andrew the entire time.  
Before he could look away, Andrew turned his head.

Their gazes met.

Feeling awkward about being caught staring, Neil flushed, and quickly put a piece of chicken in his mouth.  
  
When he looked up again, Andrew was still watching him, one eyebrow raised.  
  
And it was strange how having Andrew look at him didn’t feel so strange anymore.  
The feeling from the memory bubbled up again, the feeling of being _safe_ ,   
but it was weird to feel emotional while chewing a piece of chicken, so Neil dropped his eyes and forced himself to ignore Andrew for the rest of the meal.  
  
After dinner, Nickyand, to Neil’s surprise, Kevin came back from their rooms with various bottles of alcohol, announcing they were going to get ridiculously drunk that night. Nicky enthusiastically waved Neil over, while Aaron, Allison and Renee were sitting down on the couches.   
  
Neil shook his head. ‘I don’t drink.’  
  
Nicky frowned, as if what Neil had said was weird, but Renee chimed in, ‘That’s okay, neither do I. You can share a coke with me.’  
  
That didn’t exactly sound enjoyable to Neil.  
  
‘No, I’ll _—_ I think I’m just going to bed early.’  
  
The rest seemed to accept that, and for a tiny, tiny second Neil was glad for the excuse of his head injury.  
  
But when he stood in front of his bag in the hall, he faced the dilemma he’d so conveniently postponed.  
Where was he going to sleep?  
  
Taking a deep breath, he picked up his bag.  
  
\- / -  
  
His feet brought him in front of a closed bedroom door.  
  
Neil frowned as he stared at it.  
Don’t be ridiculous, he told himself.  
  
He opened it.  
  
The look of surprise on Andrew’s face was kind of worth it, Neil thought, even though the surprise was still mild compared to everyone else’s.  
  
Andrew was sitting cross-legged on one side of the bed, a mobile phone in his hand. Neil threw his bag on the other side and climbed on the bed, sitting opposite him.

‘Why?’ he asked, but Andrew was looking at his bag on the bed.  
  
Neil couldn't read his emotions.  
If there were any at all.  
  
‘Andrew.'  
  
Just like last time, Andrew’s shoulders tensed.  
Still he didn’t look at him.  
  
‘Why?’ Neil repeated. ‘Why wouldn’t I go back for you?’  
  
Now he had Andrew's attention.  
  
‘You remembered more.'  
  
‘Yeah. I didn’t think it was necessary to tell the others,’ Neil shrugged.

Andrew’s eyes seemed to focus more intently on Neil’s.  
Neil held his ground.  
  
They stared at each other for what felt like minutes.  
  
The last rays of sunshine filtered through the window on his left, lighting Andrew’s hair and eyes.  
  
Neil wondered why that made him want to stare more.  
  
Slowly, without Neil being fully conscious of it, something seemed to change.  
There was a tension in the room that wasn’t hostile or awkward.  
But it made Neil’s skin prickle.  
  
Without breaking their eye contact, Andrew slowly, almost hesitatingly, lifted his hand and gripped the back of Neil’s neck.  
  
The warmth was yet again steadying, and the bubbling feeling of being safe returned.  
  
Neil felt himself almost trusting Andrew, against all odds.  
  
It was such an all-encompassing emotion that Neil reached out his hand,  
Andrew’s eyes flickering to watch the movement, and put his hand in Andrew’s hair.  
  
Andrew didn’t move away.  
  
‘In my memory, I wanted to do this,’ Neil confessed, not quite understanding why.  
  
Andrew’s grip tightened. He slowly leaned forward, until their faces were inches apart.  
Their breaths were intermingling in the minimum space between their lips.

For a short second, Andrew's eyes flickered down.  
Neil saw Andrew swallow.  
  
And it suddenly hit Neil.  
If they moved any closer, they would be kissing.

His eyes widened, at the absurd realisation, but more so at the fact that it didn’t feel absurd at all.  
  
Yet Andrew saw his reaction, and quickly let go of him,   
leaning back, out of Neil’s personal space.  
  
Neil let his hand drop to the bed. It felt like he had ruined something important as Andrew swung his legs over the edge of the bed and leaned on his elbows.  
  
‘Why wouldn’t I go back for you?’ he asked again.  
  
‘You’ll regret it,’ Andrew replied flatly.

\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's part 1 of the bungalow adventures mmmm what'll happen in part 2 I do wonder 
> 
> As I explained in my note above, I've been crazy busy, but during the breaks at school I've been smiling non-stop, reading all those wonderful comments. AAH my fingers were itching to write again! Honestly, you guys make my days so much happier thank you! <3
> 
> I'm curious about your opinions of this chapter, I hope you liked it :D 
> 
> Have a nice weekend!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> im sorry

Neil woke up alone.  
  
The other side of the bed didn’t look like it had been used.  
  
Quickly dressing himself, Neil wandered into the living room, where he found Dan and Matt huddled together on one of the couches, cups of coffee in their hands. They both greeted him enthusiastically. Neil stayed a while, making polite conversation and lying about how long he'd slept, before excusing himself and going to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.  
  
After the first few sips of caffeine, Neil felt better already. He hadn’t slept peacefully last night.  
But then again, when had he?  
  
When his coffee was almost gone, he told himself he wasn’t curious, but still he found himself looking around for Andrew.  
  
Unfortunately, Matt noticed. ‘He’s not here,’ he said, somehow guessing who Neil had been looking for.  
  
Weird.  
  
Neil was about to ask where Andrew had gone to, when Kevin walked downstairs, his gaze instantly focusing on Neil as he said, ‘Training in half an hour.’  
  
‘Why doesn’t he have a hangover?’ Neil asked Matt, who shrugged.  
  
\- / -  
  
At the gym, Neil noticed training with Kevin hadn’t gotten any better after a few years.  
  
At least he could trust those memories.  
  
He also noticed how his muscles were more defined in some areas than… before.  
Though it still felt like _now_.  
If that made sense.  
  
When they returned from training, the rest of the foxes were sitting outside in a circle, chatting while casually drinking a beer.  
Only Andrew was sitting a little to the side.  
  
Neil debated for a second if he should sit next to him, but Kevin was already walking over to the group so Neil simply followed him, and ended up sitting with his back to Andrew.  
  
‘Hey guys! How was the workout?’ Matt asked.  
  
Kevin just nodded in response as he reached for a beer.

‘Terrible,’ Neil replied.  
  
Matt threw him a sympathetic look.  
  
‘But look at it this way,’ Nicky chimed in, ‘you’ll keep your nice shape.’  
  
‘Gross,’ Aaron muttered.  
  
The comment made Neil frown as he saw Nicky shift uncomfortably.

‘How are muscles gross?’ he asked.  
  
Before Aaron could respond however, Allison cut in, ‘Aaron’s fragile homophobic heart meant that Nicky’s compliment was gross.’  
  
‘But it’s okay,’ Nicky added quickly. ‘I don’t let that stop my appreciation.’  
  
‘Just don’t be gay in my face.’ Strangely enough, Aaron had looked at Neil as he’d said that.  
  
Not wanting the discussion, Neil shot back, ‘I don’t swing.’  
  
And suddenly there was a new tension in the air.  
Nicky let out an awkward laugh which made the tension even worse.  
  
‘What?’ Neil asked, looking at the others. ‘I’m just not interested.’  
  
They looked awkwardly away, and Nicky’s smile faded. Kevin finished his beer with a few large gulps and immediately opened another.  
  
Neil noticed Renee looking sadly behind him.  
  
He didn’t know exactly what he’d said wrong, but their reaction told him enough.  
Frustrated with himself, with the situation, Neil clenched his jaw as he thought about what to say to fix it, but Kevin broke the silence with a burp, having finished half of his new beer already.   
  
‘At least he swings the balls in the goal.’  
  
Stunned, Allison asked, ‘Was that a joke?’

Dan started laughing.

‘The double meaning behind that sentence,’ Nicky laughed.  
  
Neil didn’t know what was happening, but as the rest of the foxes were laughing and relaxing again, Neil figured he could relax as well.  
  
Until Andrew walked closer to the group to pick up another beer.  
  
The easy laughter died down immediately. When Neil looked up, he saw why.  
  
Only the barest hint of Andrew was still present behind his eyes.  
Neil vaguely wondered if it was safe to let him drink.  
  
His hand shot out before he knew what he was doing, grabbing the hem of Andrew’s shirt.  
  
Andrew stopped in his tracks.  
  
‘Why don’t you sit over here?’ Neil asked.  
  
For a moment, Andrew didn't move.  
Then, without saying a word, without paying any attention to Neil, he turned back and sat down.  
He took a big gulp of his beer.  
  
Nobody seemed really comfortable after that, and after a short while the group split up.  
  
Only Andrew stayed where he was.  
  
‘Come on, Neil,’ Kevin called out, wanting to watch a few of their past games. For his memories, Kevin had said after a too long silence that told Neil it hadn’t really been his primary reason, but more like an afterthought.  
  
‘Shouldn’t someone, I don’t know, watch him?’ Neil asked hesitatingly.  
  
Kevin shrugged. ‘When he’s like that, nothing gets through to him.’  
  
A nagging, whiny feeling prodded at Neil's head, telling him that something about that sentence meant something.  
No, not something.  
Nothing.  
  
Closing his eyes, Neil tried to grasp the memory, because it felt important, but Kevin called his name again and it slipped away.  
  
He looked over his shoulder one last time before following.  
  
\- / -  
  
For the rest of the day, Andrew didn’t return.

It was safe to say that at the end of the day, he had quite a lot of alcohol in his system.  
How he didn’t seem drunk seemed like a miracle to Neil.  
  
But it wasn’t his problem, was it?  
Not really anyway.  
He only needed to keep an eye on Andrew for his own safety.  
  
But the whispered warning didn’t return,   
and all Neil could think about was the feeling of safety and the words ‘ _I want to come back for you_ ’.  
  
It made him uncomfortable to think about for too long, but still Neil knew it meant something.  
Something important.  
  
That night he tried to be social while the rest had another drink or twenty, but he found himself distracted by the absence of Andrew.  
  
He got to his feet.  
  
Nicky swayed a little as he looked up at Neil. ‘Neil,’ he slurred, ‘You going?’  
  
Neil nodded. ‘Going back to bed.’  
  
Nicky nodded seriously, then giggled. ‘Give Andrew a goodnight kiss for me.’  
  
Allison hollered, while Kevin frowned at his vodka shot. ‘Isn’t that incest?’  
  
Nicky waved his question away. ‘Not if Neil kisses him.’  
  
Smiling a little at his drunk team mates, Neil walked back towards his bedroom.  
  
\- / -  
  
Andrew was lying on the bed, one arm thrown over his eyes.  
  
Was he asleep?  
  
As Neil sat down carefully on his side of the bed, he saw Andrew tense for a moment.  
Not asleep then.  
  
‘Hey,’ Neil said.  
  
No reaction.  
  
‘I’ve been told to give you a goodnight kiss,’ he said lightly.

No response.  
Aside from the small twitch in Andrew’s fingers, nothing betrayed he’d even heard Neil.  
  
The silence stretched on.  
  
Neil wanted to reach out and move Andrew’s arm away, look in his eyes for any sign of Andrew, but when he lifted his hand Andrew’s voice stopped him.

‘Then why don’t you?’  
  
The comment was strange.  
Neil dropped his hand.  
  
‘I’m not doing anything,’ Andrew said flatly. ‘You can just take the kiss.’  
  
‘No,’ Neil said.  
  
Andrew’s hand twitched again.  
Clenched into a fist.  
  
‘It’ll be easy.’  
  
Neil shook his head, uncomfortable with the conversation. ‘Stop it.’  
  
Andrew’s voice sounded hollow as he said, ‘If only it was that easy.’  
  
‘I’m not going to kiss you.’  
  
Slowly, Andrew moved his arm.  
He turned to look at Neil.  
His eyes looked dead.  
  
‘What if I want you to.’  
  
Neil tried to hold Andrew's gaze, but something about the situation, the words, felt too much. He looked away. ‘I don’t think you want to. You’re just drunk.’  
  
Andrew turned to stare at the ceiling again.  
  
‘Where were you last night?’ Neil asked.  
  
There was no response.  
  
Neil waited for a few more minutes, but when he got no reaction, he got up and changed into his jeans into sweatpants.  
There was nothing weird about changing in the room, because Andrew wasn’t there anymore.  
  
Neil turned off the lights before lying down.  
  
‘Just. Sleep here tonight,’ he said into the dark.  
  
If there was any reaction, Neil couldn't see it. He closed his eyes to go to sleep.  
  
He startled when Andrew said, ‘Why.’  
  
That was indeed the question.

‘I don’t know,’ Neil mumbled.  
  
\- / -  
  
The next morning, Neil woke up slowly, having slept surprisingly deeply.  
  
He blinked against the bright morning light that illuminated the room and the bed.  
  
Shifting his head out of the sun, Neil processed two things at the same time.  
The first was that Andrew was lying in front of him.  
The second was that Andrew’s arm was curled underneath Neil’s pillow.  
  
Neil had to blink again to make sure that what he was seeing was real.  
  
Andrew’s other arm was lying in front of him, and Neil saw he wasn’t wearing his wristbands.  
  
The many, many, small white scars looked especially bright in the sun.  
  
Neil wanted to touch the raised, marred skin, but resisted the urge.  
Why had Andrew done this to himself?  
  
As if hearing his silent question, Andrew frowned, and slowly opened his eyes. Neil held his breath as he watched Andrew take in his surroundings.  
As he watched Andrew’s gaze lift to meet his.  
  
There was something lazy, almost relaxed, about the way Andrew blinked as he looked at Neil.  
It wasn’t an emotion Neil had seen before, and he stared at Andrew in wonder, observing the light catching his blonde hair, a few strands nearly falling in his eyes. The lightness in his eyes.  
  
‘Staring,’ Andrew said.  
  
The memory rolled in lazily, so unlike the others that at first, Neil didn’t recognize it for what it was.  
  
Andrew’s finger forcibly turning his head away as he said, ‘ _Don’t look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.’_  
Despite the words, Neil felt his heart swell.  
Felt sort of happy.  
  
Blinking, Neil returned to the present.  
And smiled slowly.  
  
Andrew’s eyes widened ever so slightly.  
  
‘What did you remember?’ Andrew asked, voice a little hoarse.  
  
‘You are not my answer,’ Neil said. ‘And I am sure as fuck not yours.’  
  
Andrew closed his eyes.

‘Wise words,’ he said.  
  
\- / -  
  
It wasn’t really anything major that triggered it.  
At least, it didn’t feel like anything major at the time.  
  
They were doing the dishes, and almost everyone was helping out. Andrew and Neil were drying off the glasses.  
  
The atmosphere was light, easy.

Until Matt, reaching blindly into the soapy water, grabbed a sharp knife.  
Needless to say, he cut himself pretty badly, but he also made a bigger deal out of it, likely aiming for the "poor Matt" treatment from Dan.  
  
Except Allison wasn’t going to deal with his bullshit, and said, ‘Just put a bandaid on it Matt, christ.’  
  
The memory flashed hot and sharp in his mind, and Neil vaguely felt the glass slip from his hands as he grabbed his head.  
  
The memory was very real.  
Neil was running away as hard as he could, because he had to get away as soon as possible. He was halfway through the locker room, but he didn’t see the bright yellow racquet in time, and it hit his gut hard enough to crush his lungs into his spine.  
He was on his hands and knees, trying to breathe, but he couldn’t get any air into his lungs.  
Someone above him said ‘ _If he was nice, he wouldn’t be of any use to us, would he?’  
_ And Neil saw the face of Andrew Minyard, the goalkeeper of the Foxes, a face he’d seen in too many newspaper clippings. The information he read flashing before his eyes, how Andrew had spent three years at a juvie facility and barely avoided a second term.  
‘ _Put a bandaid on him and he’ll be good as new,’_ Andrew said and smiled brightly down at him, tapping two fingers to his temple in salute. ‘ _Better luck next time._ ’  
  
_Next time.  
  
Remember._

 _Remember that Andrew did this.  
  
_ The room was spinning. Neil lost his balance and fell onto his hands and knees on the floor.  
Something sharp stabbed his hands.  
  
Neil blinked as the world around him slowly started to materialize again.  
Glass was cutting into his hands, sticking to his skin.  
He saw the blood rise to the surface, then spill hotly on the floor.  
  
And suddenly he was lying in a pool of sticky, dark red blood, his own blood, and his head was pounding, hurting like crazy, and Neil wanted to feel for the wound but someone grabbed the front of his shirt, shook him, punched him in the face, laughing.  
  
_‘Do try and remember that Andrew did this.’  
  
_ Nausea welled up in Neil’s stomach, the room spinning too fast, and he turned his head as he heaved his dinner onto the floor.  
His body shuddered, and the pounding in his head was so bad, it took a while for him to realize people were saying his name.  
  
He vaguely recognized Matt’s voice.  
  
Shivering, Neil looked up, but it wasn’t Matt who was kneeling in front of him.  
  
Andrew.

Seeing red, seeing _danger_ , Neil clenched his hand around the jagged glass shard sticking into his skin and lashed out.  
  
The glass cut a deep and long gash in Andrew’s cheek.

There was real shock on Andrew’s face.  
  
‘Get away from me,’ Neil snarled, ‘Or I’ll kill you instead.’  
  
Within seconds, Matt was by his side, dragging him away from Andrew.

But Neil wasn’t giving up that easily.

He wrestled himself away from Matt’s hands, and grabbed Andrew by the front of his shirt.  
Andrew let him.  
  
‘Fuck you for making me lose my memories,’ Neil spat in his face, and raised his fist in the air, meaning to punch Andrew into amnesia, but this time Kevin helped Matt hold him.  
  
To get him away from Andrew.

As if Neil was somehow the most dangerous one.  
  
Andrew didn't move.  
Didn't blink.  
As if he couldn’t process what was happening.  
  
And it enraged Neil that Andrew wasn’t mentally present anymore, that he wouldn’t hear Neil’s words. But still he said them.

‘Fuck you for trying to get me to trust you.’

A blink was the only indication that Andrew had heard.  
  
Neil got to his feet and looked at Matt.  
  
‘Get me out of here.’  
  
\- / / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers again im so sorry
> 
> next time; alone
> 
> Thank you SO much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> Please tell me what you think :D Honestly, you have no idea how much your support helps and motivates me! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> First off, I'm so sorry about the last chapter!  
> But!  
> Things are happening.
> 
> Read to find out :) 
> 
> Enjoy!

They got into Matt’s truck without looking back.  
  
Neil knew Matt wanted to talk to him, heard him take a deep breath, but each time he released it after a few seconds.  
Which was good.  
Neil didn’t want to talk.  
He wanted to get away.  
  
Except Matt stopped the car in front of Wymack’s apartment, and Neil wanted to tell him that no, he meant to go away, except the thought hit him that he didn’t know where to go. Yet.  
Getting something to drink and eat before leaving might be a smart idea.  
  
‘Thanks,’ he said to Matt.  
  
Finally, Matt called out, ‘Neil.’  
  
Neil ducked his head to look at Matt, who was still behind the wheel.  
But after a few seconds, Matt shook his head,  
so Neil closed the door and walked away.  
  
\- / / -  
  
‘Jesus, Neil, I tried calling you a thousand times,’ Wymack said as soon as he opened the door to the apartment.  
  
Neil wondered why he was awake, then figured one of the others must’ve called him while they’d been driving back.  
  
His hand clenched around the door handle.  
He didn’t want to deal with this.  
It would be unfortunate to go away without something to eat or drink, but he’d survive.  
He always did.  
Always surviving.  
Never living.  
  
‘Listen,’ Wymack said slowly, ‘I’m not going to get mad at you for attacking Andrew.’  
  
Neil raised an eyebrow.  
  
‘Honestly, with the way the guy is, he kinda had it coming. But you’re not going anywhere.’  
  
Neil narrowed his eyes.  
Started shifting back.  
  
‘Neil, listen. I know you don’t remember, but you had _—_ no, you _have_ a life here. And a pretty good one at that. And I know that one day you can make Court, if you stay and play with us.’  
  
Hating himself, Neil still stopped at those words.  
  
‘You want to play, right?’ Wymack asked.  
  
‘Not if it means losing my memories again,’ Neil replied. ‘Besides, I don’t even know if I can play for you. I lost those memories as well.’  
  
‘I’m sure your muscles remember. I’m also pretty sure you’ve recovered a lot of those memories already. Kevin told me.’  
  
Fuck.  
The lengths Kevin would go to to play Exy really were limitless.  
  
Neil bit his lip as he glared at Wymack, then took a sensible, but hesitant step back.  
  
Wymack held up his hand. ‘Okay then. Give me back your keys.’  
  
Neil’s heart stopped.  
Give back  
his keys?

His hand went into the pocket of his jeans and grasped the keys tightly before taking them out.  
Neil stared at the bundle of keys in his hand. Swallowing, he looked up at Wymack and asked, ‘Which keys?’  
  
‘The ones to the court, obviously. If you’re not a Fox, you can’t enter the court whenever you want.’  
  
He _—_ He’d had keys to the court?  
Could go there whenever he wanted?

Neil looked hesitatingly at Wymack, before looking down at the keys again.  
  
He felt steadier with them in his hand.  
Just like the first time he’d gotten them.  
He remembered.  
He remembered thinking that it didn’t matter where he was sleeping or what tricks Andrew was up to, because there was a court here and he had permission to play on it.  
Coach telling him, ‘ _I expect you to make as much use of them as Kevin does_.’  
His reply.  
‘ _I will_.’  
  
He hadn't done that for a while now, had he?  
  
And Neil found he couldn’t.  
Couldn’t part with them.  
  
His hand closed around the keys.  
  
Wymack sighed. ‘I’ll get extra blankets for the couch.’  
  
But he sounded relieved.  
  
\- / / -  
  
The next morning, Neil didn’t wait for Wymack to tell him he couldn’t.  
He just grabbed his duffel bag and walked to the stadium.  
  
After some searching, he found his jersey.  
The letters ‘JOSTEN’ across the back were grounding, and Neil finally started feeling like he was part of a life.

He changed into his gear, took his racquet and started practicing.  
  
After an hour, maybe more, Kevin walked onto the court.  
He also had his gear on.  
  
Without speaking, they started training together.  
  
\- / / -  
  
After a few days, the rest of the foxes joined their training as well.  
  
It was weird, because no one talked to each other, but at the same time, it was exactly what Neil needed.  
Playing Exy with everyone was more of a bonding experience than the holiday had ever been.  
  
He ignored the fact that one person was missing.  
  
\- / / -  
  
But he should’ve known his team mates wouldn’t manage to keep quiet for weeks.   
After three days, they started making small talk with each other again.  
  
It even affected Kevin, who told Neil he wanted to watch another game with him, so they could talk strategies.  
Neil knew where that would put him, and said no.  
  
However, when he was at Wymack’s apartment again, he figured saying no to running, meant he should stop running from Andrew too. He recognized now that he'd responded the way he had because of the realness of the memory. His body had been full of anxiety and fear, and so he'd lashed out.  
He also figured there had to be reasons why the rest of the foxes, and past Neil, had tolerated Andrew.  
  
He dug around in his bag for his mobile phone to text Kevin he was coming over. But the thing was pathetically empty.  
He’d never charged it.  
Not wanting to wait around, Neil stuffed it into his bag, which he locked away in Wymack’s drawer, and walked towards the Tower.  
  
He knocked, once.  
  
Kevin opened the door, looked at him, then nodded and walked back to the living room.  
Neil followed silently.  
  
He didn’t want to feel relieved,   
yet he felt relieved that no one was there.  
  
Kevin quickly set up his laptop and put on a game. They watched in silence for a long while, until Kevin started making comments on some of the plays.  
Neil simply nodded.  
  
He heard the door open before he registered what it meant.  
  
Only when Andrew stood near the front door, did it sink in.

He was wearing a long sleeved black shirt, which must be way too hot for this time of year, and loose dark grey sweatpants.  
He also wore a long, jagged wound on his cheek, which curved all the way to his eyebrow.  
  
Neil forced himself to stop looking, even though it made him feel like a coward for avoiding Andrew’s eyes.  
  
He turned towards the screen again.  
If he didn’t acknowledge Andrew, didn’t pay any attention to him, perhaps he could avoid _—_  
  
The coffee machine started humming.  
  
Neil dragged his focus back to the screen once more, listening to Kevin _—_ who somehow didn’t catch the awkwardness in the room _—_ talking about various plays they could try out.  
  
Something was slammed on the table.  
  
Neil looked up in time to see Andrew walk away, a big coffee mug in his hand.  
  
He looked at the table.  
A large mug was on the table, almost identical to the one Andrew had.  
Some of the coffee was dripping down the sides, having spilled after being so forcefully put down.  
On the front of the mug, in handwritten letters, were the words NEIL’S MUG.  
  
Neil stared at it.

 _What?_  
  
Had that been a threat?  
It didn’t feel like one, seeing as there was coffee inside it and Andrew didn't seem like the poison type, but Neil didn’t know what else it could be.  
  
He was scared to accept it.  
  
In the end, he simply continued watching Exy games with Kevin, and left without touching the mug.  
  
\- / / -  
  
During practice, Nicky walked a little closer to him.  
  
That couldn’t be good, Neil thought, as he moved to stretch his other leg behind him.  
  
‘Hey,’ Nicky started.  
  
‘Hey,’ Neil said apprehensively.  
  
‘Sooo,’ and Nicky stretched his _so_ , which made Neil wonder what he was going to ask him and if he was going to like it. ‘We’re planning to go to Columbia tonight. Do you want to join us?’  
  
‘What’s in Columbia?’  
  
‘Shit, I'd hoped you remembered. A club mostly. We just want to drink and dance.’  
  
Neil looked skeptically at Nicky. ‘I don’t do either.’  
  
‘I know, but maybe it’ll be fun, right? Get out of Wymack’s old man’s apartment for a while?’ Nicky smiled at him.  
  
‘Okay,’ Neil said. ‘So who’s we?’  
  
Nicky’s smile turned a little strained. ‘Just me, Kevin, Aaron and Andrew. I could ask the others too if you like.’  
  
But Neil had heard enough.  
  
‘No thanks.’  
  
Nicky sighed, but accepted his defeat and continued his stretches near Neil. After three more sad sighs from Nicky, Neil asked how everything was with Erik, which set Nicky off and they eventually talked for the whole of their warmup.  
  
\- / / -  
  
He managed to avoid Andrew for two weeks.  
Two weeks of training, eating healthy and sleeping badly.  
  
He wondered how long it could go on.  
  
To his surprise it was Kevin who talked to him in private after practice.   
  
‘Andrew needs to train,’ was what he declared.  
  
Neil shrugged, conveying that it wasn’t his problem, but Kevin wasn’t having that.  
  
‘I don’t know what you do or say, but Andrew doesn’t listen to anyone else. So tell him to come to practice.’  
  
Neil glared at Kevin, but Kevin had a good few inches on him so his glare was more intimidating.  
  
‘Go,’ Kevin ordered, ‘Or you won’t get to practice anymore.’  
  
‘What?’ Neil asked, shocked.  
  
Kevin crossed his arms as he looked down at him. ‘If Andrew doesn’t train, then you won’t either.’  
  
That was outrageous.  
How could Kevin?

But Kevin apparently could, as Neil found himself blocked from practice the next day. The glare told him enough.  
No Andrew, no practice.  
  
‘Amazing,’ Nicky whispered from behind Kevin _—_ which was the only reason why Neil didn’t throw something at his head.  
  
\- / / -  
  
And so he found himself in front of the apartment, sighing loudly.  
  
He knocked once.  
No one opened the door.  
  
Neil knocked again.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Well, he had tried, hadn’t he?  
  
\- / / -  
  
Apparently that wasn’t Kevin’s definition of trying.  
  
‘But he wouldn’t open the door,’ Neil argued. ‘How am I supposed to talk to him if he won’t see me?’  
  
Kevin frowned at him. ‘But you have a key.’  
  
_Huh?_  
  
Neil blinked. ‘What?’

Impatiently, Kevin gestured for Neil to hand over his set of keys.  
Reluctantly, he put them in Kevin’s hands. Kevin searched for a few seconds, before holding up one of them.

‘This one. Now go, you’re not allowed to practice.’  
  
Seething, Neil turned around and walked back to the Tower.  
  
\- / / -  
  
Even though Kevin had said he had a key, it still surprised him when he put it inside the lock and it fit.  
  
He cautiously walked inside, feeling like a trespasser even though he owned a key.   
But Neil saw no sign of Andrew in the living room or kitchen.  
  
The mug was still on the table.  
  
He looked at it for a second, then turned around.  
Bedroom it was.  
  
He opened the door with slightly shaking hands.  
  
Andrew was sitting near the window, smoking.   
His head was turned away from the door, so the side with the cut was clearly visible.

Unsure of what to say or do, Neil remained in the doorway.  
  
He must’ve stood there for at least five minutes, yet Andrew hadn’t even looked at him once,   
hadn’t even acknowledged his presence.  
Neil wondered if he even was present.  
  
‘Come train,’ he said finally.  
  
Andrew took another drag of his cigarette.  
  
Neil took a hesitant step into the room.  
  
‘Come train,’ he repeated.

Leaning his head back, Andrew slowly blew out smoke through his mouth.  
  
Determined to get Andrew to listen to him, Neil stubbornly took another step closer. ‘Come train.’  
  
‘Kevin ban you from the court?’ Andrew asked, voice dead.  
  
Gritting his teeth, Neil ignored the accurate question. ‘Come back and train with us.’  
  
‘No,’ Andrew said.  
  
‘Why not?’  
  
‘Boring,’ Andrew replied, before taking another drag from his cigarette.  
  
Neil dared moving even closer to Andrew. He was halfway into the room now.  
  
‘Kevin wants you to train again,’ Neil argued. ‘From what I’ve seen, you’re good. You shouldn’t waste that.’  
  
Andrew dropped the cigarette on the floor, then stood up to flatten it with his foot.  
He watched Neil with a detached look in his eyes.  
  
‘Listen. The moral of this story is this. No matter how much we try, no matter how much we want, sometimes stories just don’t have happy endings.’  
  
Andrew’s words should confuse him, but they didn’t.  
Actually, it was how Neil felt all the time.  
  
Others kept telling him how he had really made a life here, that it was actually a _good_ life, but Neil couldn’t believe his story would end well.  
Couldn’t believe he could ever stop running.  
  
‘That’s true,’ Neil agreed. ‘I don’t know how Wymack does it. I would’ve given up on everyone pretty soon.’  
  
Andrew looked away, bored with the conversation, so Neil changed tactics.  
  
‘Why aren’t you mad at me?’  
  
Andrew waved his words away. ‘You’re not that important.’  
  
But Neil didn’t believe Andrew. ‘Come train,’ he repeated.  
  
Andrew sighed as he turned to look at Neil, but something flashed behind his eyes and Neil realized they hadn’t been dead for a while now.  
  
‘What’s in it for me?’ Andrew asked slowly.  
  
Neil tried to think what Andrew wanted, but he drew up blank.   
Except for that one memory, which made Neil shiver. He saw Andrew narrow his eyes in response.  
It reminded Neil that he'd never seen Andrew smile.  
Hadn’t seen him enjoy anything.  
  
But.  
That wasn’t true, was it?  
  
That morning.  
In the bungalow.  
Andrew hadn’t smiled.  
But Neil had a feeling he had been, sort of, hesitatingly, content.  
  
‘I’ll move back here,’ Neil said.

It felt a little like signing his death contract.  
At least he would kick Kevin off his "would do everything for Exy" throne.  
  
Andrew cocked his head.  
Observed Neil.  
  
‘Why would I want that?’ he asked, pointing to the cut on his face.  
  
Neil refused to be sorry for it.

He shrugged.  
  
‘Deal?’ Neil asked.  
  
Andrew turned to sit near the window again, lighting another cigarette and seemingly dismissing the conversation.   
Neil felt his frustration rise, until.

‘Deal,’ Andrew said.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woahh. Some sort of vague truce? 
> 
> Also this is my last week in Ireland, last week of the course, and I'm flying back to the Netherlands on Friday and it's actually around the time where I would normally update, so the chapter might be a little late, or I might post it early... Dunno yet. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought about this :) I adore hearing your thoughts, and they give me so many feels as well hahha. Thanks for all the support so far guys, you're awesome! <3
> 
> next time; moving back


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> I was so stupid, I said I couldn't upload because of the time of my flight, but I update every two days and that's today so yeah, no problemo. Everything's going as planned.  
> Can't say the same for Neil though :'D
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

‘Amazing,’ Nicky whispered again the next day, as Andrew showed up at practice.  
  
One look from Andrew had him shutting up however.  
  
Practice was basically the same as it had always been, and while Andrew didn’t exactly put a lot of effort into guarding his goal, Kevin didn’t complain.  
  
After practice, when Neil returned from the bathroom stalls, he stopped short when he heard Nicky whisper in German.  
He wondered who was with him, but his question was immediately answered when Nicky spoke up again.  
  
‘Andrew,’ Nicky said sadly. ‘I don’t think you should give up.’  
  
Neil held his breath, trying not to make a sound.  
That was exactly what he’d said to Andrew.   
That someone with his talent shouldn’t just throw it away.  
  
There was a silence, so Nicky continued, ‘I think, if you tried he could _—_ ’

‘Once was already impossible,’ Andrew cut him off.  
  
Neil heard the door shut and he figured that Andrew had walked away.  
  
He frowned in confusion. He could what?  
  
Did Andrew want to sign court too? Was he hoping Wymack or Kevin would help him?  
No, that was weird, Andrew had said Exy was boring, and besides, Kevin was already pushing him to train more.  
That couldn’t be it.

Maybe it was Nicky who wanted Andrew to play Court.

Still confused and not entirely satisfied with his conclusion, Neil returned to Wymack’s apartment to return his keys and grab his bag.

He had a deal to honour.  
  
\- / -  
  
Moving back into "his" dorm was not nearly as exciting or life changing as Neil thought it would be.  
  
In fact, Kevin hadn’t even acknowledged Neil’s presence as he walked in, engrossed in an old Exy game again.   
Neil wandered into the kitchen.  
The mug was still there.  
  
After looking at it for a few seconds, he picked it up, cleaned it, and figured he might as well fill it with coffee.  
He turned on the coffee machine.  
  
While he was waiting for the machine to be done, Neil turned the mug around in his hands. A thought suddenly popped into his head.  
Curious, he opened the kitchen cupboard.  
  
He’d sort of expected it, but it still took him by surprise to see the same kind of mug standing amidst the others, the words ANDREW’S MUG written on it.  
Shuffling some of the other mugs around, he searched for another one for Kevin or Nicky or even Aaron, but found nothing.  
  
Weird.  
  
The machine finished its coffee making process and after pouring coffee into "his" mug, Neil sat down on one of the bean bags and switched the TV on.  
  
Frowning, Kevin took his headphones from his bag and put them on.  
Neil rolled his eyes.  
You didn’t need sound to _watch_ an Exy game.  
  
The door opened. Andrew walked in, carrying a plastic bag, which he put on the table.  
  
‘Groceries?’ Neil asked.  
  
Andrew looked up.  
Looked at the mug in Neil’s hands.  
Then he dug his hand in the bag and extracted a large container of ice cream.  
  
‘That’s not healthy,’ Kevin said disapprovingly.  
  
But Andrew opened the container, picked up a spoon and shoved a big chunk of ice cream in his mouth. He looked at Kevin, who glared back at him.  
  
To his surprise, Neil found himself smiling. ‘Can I have a bite?’ he asked.  
  
Andrew’s gaze slid to him, then narrowed slightly as he saw Neil’s smile.  
Still, he walked over and sat down in front of Neil, digging his spoon in the tub for a big mouthful.  
  
He held it up.  
  
Holding Andrew’s gaze, Neil opened his mouth.  
  
Andrew put the spoon in his mouth, and the sickly sweet flavour of artificial strawberries assaulted Neil’s taste buds.  
He winced.  
  
‘That’s just wasting ice cream,’ Andrew said as he took the spoon back.  
  
Neil shrugged. ‘I wanted to try it.’  
  
‘You hate sweets.’  
  
Neil couldn’t argue with that.  
He didn’t really want the ice cream anyway.  
He just wanted to see how Andrew would react. More specifically, what their relationship would be like now that he was living here.  
  
‘It was still worth a try,’ Neil said.  
  
Andrew watched him silently.  
Then, holding Neil’s gaze, he put the spoon in his mouth to eat the leftover ice cream.  
  
Neil’s gaze dropped as he watched the spoon slide out of Andrew’s mouth.  
  
‘And?’ Andrew asked.  
  
Neil looked up again.  
  
‘Yeah, I still hate sweets.’  
  
\- / -  
  
For a while, Neil’s life was almost normal.  
  
He trained.  
  
He watched and talked Exy with Kevin.  
  
He drank the coffee Andrew made for him each morning, even though it was something that still puzzled him.  
  
He figured it must’ve been part of their routine when he’d lived here.   
As was apparently the hand travelling briefly across his back as Andrew passed him in the kitchen, when he was making breakfast.  
  
Neil wondered why that was a part of the routine too.  
  
\- /  -  
  
It was another nightmare.  
Or memory.  
  
He was lying on a bed and someone was holding him down, down, down onto the bed while above him, someone else was asking questions, but Neil couldn’t think as the knife cut, cut and sliced into his body, the person above him laughing and cutting him again, holding open his mouth to spit in it. Then they turned his face and burned something into his cheek and _—  
_ it burned  
it _hurt_  
  
Neil shot upright in bed.  
His heart was pounding, his breathing heavy.  
  
Swinging his legs over the edge of his bed, he climbed down and walked towards the kitchen where he filled a glass with water.  
He tried to calm himself down.  
Tried to reason with himself that he shouldn’t leave.

His body wasn’t listening though, the adrenaline turning and twisting into a thrumming anxiety.  
  
The hand holding the glass was shaking.  
  
Someone took the glass from him.  
  
Neil looked at Andrew.  
Andrew looked sleepy, hair sticking up a little.

Another wave of anxiety.

Turning around, Neil gripped the kitchen counter to stop himself from falling, from running. He tried to take a deep breath, but it got stuck somewhere in his throat.  
  
Beside him, Andrew put the glass down.   
Then he moved behind Neil, chest against his back.  
  
Unconsciously, Neil leaned back.  
  
Andrew’s chest was steady as he held Neil’s weight.  
  
Neil closed his eyes and focused on his breathing.  
Focused on the steadying presence of Andrew against his back, but his body still twitched with the urge to run.  
  
Ever so slowly, giving Neil enough chance to stop him, Andrew brought his arms around him.

Holding Neil.  
  
Keeping him from running.  
  
As if sensing that it was useless to try and get out of Andrew’s arms, Neil’s body _finally_ stopped tensing.  
  
They stood like that for a while.  
  
Feeling a lot calmer, Neil could process other things again.  
Like how warm Andrew was.  
Like how strange it was that he didn’t feel panicked with Andrew so close.  
Why he didn’t feel threatened.  
  
A memory bubbled up.  
In the memory, Neil had been surprised, unsure, perhaps nervous.  
Similar to what he was feeling now.  
  
Neil turned around, and Andrew dropped his arms, stepping back to give Neil his space, but Neil reached out and grabbed Andrew’s hand.  
Brought it up to his neck.

Understanding what Neil was trying to do, Andrew pressed two fingers to his pulse point.

‘Remember this feeling,’ Neil whispered. ‘This is the moment you stop being the rabbit.’  
  
Looking into Neil’s eyes, Andrew said, ‘That’s interesting.’  
  
\- / -  
  
After nearly half a week, Neil could no longer make any excuses and so he walked up to Nicky during warm up and asked, ‘Why are you never at our apartment?’  
  
The fear in Nicky’s eyes told Neil something was going on, especially since he could see Andrew tuning in on their conversation.  
It was only a casual glance their way, but Neil found it was not that difficult to understand Andrew’s behaviour if you paid attention.  
  
‘Um,’ Nicky stalled, ‘What exactly do you mean when you say "our apartment"?’  
  
Neil gave him a look.  
  
‘Oh, _that_ apartment,’ Nicky laughed sheepishly. ‘You know, that reminds me, we wanted to go to Columbia tonight. Do you want to join us, now that, you know?’  
  
‘Now that what?’ Neil asked, crossing his arms.  
  
Nicky opened his mouth, but Andrew moved closer so he wisely shut up.

Neil looked briefly at Andrew, feeling suddenly insecure. ‘Is,’ he started hesitatingly. ‘Is this something I did before?’  
  
‘Oh, Neil,’ Nicky said, obviously pitying him, and it made Neil uncomfortable. ‘You actually went with us every time _._ Well, almost every time, after you joined the Foxes.'  
  
That surprised him.  
He looked at Andrew again, who was already watching him.  
When he met Neil’s gaze, Andrew nodded once.  
  
‘Okay then,’ Neil gave in.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time; Columbia
> 
> Sorry that it's a bit shorter than the last two, but don't worry the next chapter will be longer, I promise. I still hope you enjoyed this though. Please tell me your thoughts and feels, because wow I get SO happy and motivated when I read them, it's the best. 
> 
> Thanks for all your support so far <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> BACK in my hometown and it's so weird? I feel like I've been gone for sooo long. But yeah, I almost forgot to update today because I have accumulated A LOT of stuff in Ireland haha so having to put it away was quite a hassle.  
> Anyways, I hope you have a nice weekend and...  
> prepare urself for Columbia
> 
> Enjoy!

‘Here you go,’ Nicky said cheerfully.  
  
Neil slowly lowered his cup of coffee and looked at the bag in Nicky’s hands.  
  
‘What’s that?’ he asked.  
  
‘Put this on tonight,’ Nicky explained. ‘Andrew bought it.’  
  
Immediately, Neil eyed the bag suspiciously.  
  
Nicky sighed. ‘In case you didn’t know, half the clothes in your closet, the ones you never wear, you know, the ones that actually fit you. They're picked by Andrew.’  
  
‘What?’ Neil asked, shocked. ‘All those dark clothes?’  
  
Nicky nodded solemnly.  
  
Something about the situation felt awfully familiar. Neil could feel the memory lingering just out of reach, probably confirming what Nicky just said.  
Neil sighed in defeat and accepted the bag.  
  
\- / -  
  
He locked himself in the bathroom, which made Andrew roll his eyes, before he pulled the clothes out of the bag and looked at them in distrust.  
But they were just normal, if not more fashionable, clothes than what he normally wore.  
Nicky had been right that they looked similar to the ones hanging in his closet.  
  
So Neil forced himself into the tighter than usual black jeans. They hung lower on his hips than his normal pants.   
He sighed loudly.  
He hoped they heard him suffer.  
  
The shirt wasn’t too bad, at least. It had a geometric dark grey, black and white pattern on the front, and the sleeves were long, so they could hide the _—_ to him still unfamiliar _—_ scars on his arms.  
  
He looked at himself in the mirror for a second before cringing.  
Never mind.  
  
\- / -  
  
Everyone, meaning Kevin, Nicky and the twins, were gathered in their living room, all in dark clothing.  
  
The memory flashed brightly.  
  
It was the first time he’d gone to Columbia. He’d taken out his contacts, revealing his blue eyes to the others. Andrew had pulled his head down, had stared into them, and Nicky had complimented him on how good he looked, before they were off, eating ice cream some _—_ somewhere, and they’d done shots, had spiked Neil’s drink, had _—_ had cracker dust, some sort of drugs, and when he refused, Nicky had kissed him repeatedly, forcing the sickeningly sweet stuff in his mouth and then _—_  
  
His mind drew up blank, but Neil figured it was because he actually couldn’t remember the rest of night,  
due to too much alcohol or drugs or both, not because of his amnesia.  
  
He halted in the hallway and leaned against the wall for support.  
  
‘ _That’s_ what we’re doing tonight?’ he said through clenched teeth, still fighting off the dizziness. But he could hear the disgust in his voice.  
  
‘Uh-oh,’ Nicky said.  
  
‘Not a good memory, Neil?’ Aaron asked.  
  
Neil looked up and glared at Aaron, then Nicky. ‘No, being forced to drink, take drugs and kiss someone is not a good memory in my opinion.’  
  
Aaron grinned. ‘But it sounds like such a fun night.’  
  
Before Neil could punch Aaron, Andrew asked quietly, ‘Who kissed you?’  
  
It felt like the calm before the storm, like a deadly promise, which made Neil feel uncomfortable enough that he had the urge to lie about it. But then Nicky opened his mouth and confessed, ‘I did.’  
  
The words had barely left his mouth before Andrew punched Nicky in the face.  
Then gut.  
  
‘Give me one good reason not to kill you right now,’ Andrew hissed, holding Nicky’s shirt in his fist.  
  
Nicky held up his hands in self-defense. ‘It was only to get him to take the cracker dust, it never happened again after that.’ Then his eyes flickered to Neil as he said, ‘I’m sorry, Ne _—_ ’  
  
But Andrew gripped his chin and forced his head back. ‘No, you don’t get to look at Neil. And I’m still waiting for that reason, Nicky.’  
  
Grabbing his still spinning head, Neil felt like he should do something about the situation, before he'd witness a murder.  
His emotions were a big mess right now, and he didn’t trust _—_ didn’t trust them, so why had he gone with them in the past?  
There must have been a reason.  
  
And he _would_ figure it out.  
  
He sighed loudly, trying to get their attention. ‘Andrew. Why did I bother going again after that first time?’  
  
Andrew didn’t move, and Nicky didn’t respond either, which Neil thought was probably smart.  
  
Why should he trust them?  
  
‘If you’re going to kill Nicky tonight,’ Neil continued, ‘I’m not convinced that going to Columbia with you is a good plan.’  
  
The fist holding Nicky’s shirt tightened and Nicky made a chocking sound in the back of throat.  
  
Nobody said anything.  
Neil almost felt like holding his breath.  
  
Then Andrew shoved him back and walked towards Neil, stopping in front of him. ‘No one is going to force you tonight.’  
  
Neil looked skeptically at Andrew.

Now that the immediate danger was gone, Neil wondered if _,_ in all honesty _,_ it would be smart to go with them after such a memory.  
He had felt _terrible_ and extremely uncomfortable.  
He probably shouldn’t go.  
  
‘Neil,’ Andrew said. ‘I will kill anyone who forces you into anything.’  
  
Neil let out an astonished laugh. ‘Is that supposed to make me feel better?’  
  
Andrew shrugged, but he moved a little closer to Neil as he said lowly, ‘Stop being the rabbit. It’s unattractive.’  
  
Then he moved away and walked out the door.  
  
‘I don’t want to be attractive,’ Neil muttered, and Nicky snorted before quickly standing up, the rest following behind.  
  
‘Even if you don’t want to be attractive,’ Nicky said as he walked past him, barely looking at him, ‘You look damn attractive in that outfit. I’d take advantage of it if I were you.’  
  
Sometimes Nicky puzzled him more than Andrew did.  
Neil turned around.  
  
‘Advantage how?’ he asked in confusion, but Nicky was already gone.  
  
That left Neil in the apartment, alone.  
  
It really wasn’t a smart idea to go with them, especially after his memory, but.  
Something in him _wanted_  to trust Andrew’s promise.  
Not the killing, though that was comforting in a way too, but just the simple promise that nobody would force him into anything tonight.  
  
He thought about Andrew’s chest against his back.  
He’d felt safe then.  
  
Neil knew that he could not go,   
that he could stay behind at the apartment alone, but that was exactly the thing that always scared him.  
  
Because in every scenario he could think of, he was alone.  
Because he had never trust anyone enough to let them in.  
But Neil didn’t.  
Didn’t want to be alone.  
  
It felt like the stupidest thing to do, but Neil really wanted to trust Andrew.  
  
And so he followed the rest, leaving behind a part of the old Neil Josten.  
  
\- / -  
  
Eden’s twilight was a two-story nightclub a couple blocks from the main road.  
There was a line of people waiting to get in, but when Andrew stopped the car, he got some sort of pass and the rest could immediately go inside while Andrew parked the car.  
Except Andrew slid out of the front seat and told Nicky to park it.  
  
Kevin and Aaron were already walking inside, so Neil quickly followed them through the mass of bodies, Andrew at his back.  
  
They found an empty table pretty fast, and Andrew tapped two fingers against Neil’s hand to indicate that he should follow him to the bar.  
  
The bartender smiled when they approached and Neil saw Andrew suddenly freeze. Confused by the reaction, Neil leaned forward to ask Andrew what was wrong, but the bartender put a tray with drinks in front of him. ‘Hey guys, everything okay? I haven’t seen you for a while now. Did you go on a vacation?’  
  
Neil wondered how the guy knew, but still he nodded.  
  
‘That’s sweet,’ the bartender smiled and Neil was about to ask why when Andrew’s hand gripped his wrist and dragged him back to their table.  
  
Everyone quickly downed their first shot, and Neil looked helplessly at all the colourless drinks on the tray.  
Andrew put one in front of him.

Neil picked it up and sniffed it, but he didn’t smell any alcohol, so he took a sip.   
It was just soda.  
  
After two more shots, Nicky and Aaron stood up and left for the dance floor _—_ Nicky without looking at Neil he noted, and he felt a little bad for him.  
It wasn't okay what he’d done, and Neil was definitely still angry, but he believed Nicky when he’d said it hadn’t happened again.  
  
He tugged on Andrew’s sleeve.  
  
Andrew downed another shot before turning to look at him.  
His eyes were weirdly intense as they focused on Neil’s,   
and Neil found himself staring back before he remembered he’d wanted to ask something.  
  
‘Why did you drug me?’  
  
‘I didn’t trust you,’ Andrew replied.  
  
Neil raised an eyebrow. ‘And now you do?’  
  
For a while, Andrew only looked at him. Then he lightly touched Neil’s hand to signal they were going to get more drinks.  
  
‘That’s not an answer,’ Neil complained, but he still followed him.  
  
‘Hey Neil,’ the bartender said when they arrived, ‘I have a new mix that I think you might like.’  
  
He put a glass with blue liquid in front of him.   
Neil narrowed his eyes at it, since it probably contained alcohol, but Andrew simply put it onto the tray and asked for another soda as well.  
  
They returned to their table, where Kevin looked immensely pleased to see them. When he grabbed three shots of vodka and downed them one after another in quick succession, Neil understood why.  
  
‘And here I thought he was actually happy to see me,’ Neil said.  
  
‘No one’s happy to see you,’ Andrew said.  
  
Neil leaned on his hand. ‘Then why does Matt hug me all the time?’  
  
Andrew waved his comment away. ‘You look so pathetic that he can’t help it.’  
  
Neil smiled. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘But I didn’t pick these clothes tonight.’

Andrew narrowed his eyes and Neil felt like he won.

His smile widened.

Andrew looked at him for a few seconds before taking a large drink of the blue mix.  
  
‘That’s mine,’ Neil said.  
  
‘You weren’t going to drink it.’  
  
Neil glared at Andrew. ‘You don’t know that.’  
  
Andrew took another drink.  
  
How they had managed to get along enough to live together, Neil didn't know.   
But at the same time, he knew he wasn’t really annoyed.  
He was actually enjoying himself.  
With Andrew.  
  
Then Andrew held the glass out for him.  
Yeah okay, now it was a challenge.  
  
Defiantly, Neil took the glass from him and took a large swig.  
  
There had been more alcohol in that drink than he’d expected, and it burned its way down his throat.  
Neil had to repress his cough.  
  
Andrew didn’t look impressed as he held out his hand again, meaning to take the glass back.  
  
Glaring, Neil stubbornly drained half of the blue drink in one go.  
  
And immediately regretted it.  
  
He hadn’t had any alcohol for a while, or at least, he thought he didn’t _—_ he hadn’t had any while he’d been in the hospital, or on their vacation.  
The alcohol was already affecting his body, slightly numbing the loudness of the music and the presence of other people.  
Weirdly enough, Andrew seemed to get more into focus.  
  
Andrew immediately took the glass from him. ‘Stupid,’ he said, then drank the rest of it.  
  
‘Yeah, yeah,’ Neil waved away his comment, and leaned on the table. ‘And you hate me so much.’  
  
Andrew set the glass down on the table. ‘Every inch of you.’  
  
And Neil didn’t know where his response came from, if it was pried loose by the alcohol, but he replied, ‘That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t blow me.’  
  
Neil saw Andrew’s hand grip the glass tightly, and he wondered why the fuck he would even say that, but then other words drifted to the forefront of his mind and.  
He could’ve stopped himself.  
  
But he didn’t know why they felt so important,   
didn’t know what they meant,   
and his caution had been lowered by the alcohol that was now a pleasant buzzing in his body.  
  
Testing out the words, Neil asked, ‘Yes or no?’  
  
Andrew froze.  
  
His gaze slid slowly to Neil.  
  
Neil fought against the urge to shiver.

Andrew’s eyes were burning. ‘Yes or no?’   
  
And Neil nodded, not sure if he was confirming that was indeed what he’d said or if he was actually _answering._ He didn’t know what he was saying yes to, but as soon as he nodded, it seemed like someone pulled on an invisible string attached to Andrew, because he moved closer, his eyes solely focused on Neil.  
  
When there was barely any space left between them, Andrew’s hands gripped his hips tightly. Neil saw Andrew take a deep breath, saw his gaze drop to Neil’s mouth, and then Andrew’s mouth was on his.  
  
So that was what the question had meant.  
  
Being kissed by Andrew should’ve made Neil move back, should’ve made him, should’ve made him… Should’ve made _—_ Neil kissed back.  
  
It was hot.  
The kiss was almost aggressive, from the way Andrew’s hands held his hips so tightly, to the feel of his his lips moving firmly against Neil’s. Andrew slid his tongue inside Neil’s mouth and explored every inch of him.  
  
It was as if Andrew was angry.

But the small kisses in between, the slow stroke of Andrew’s thumb against his hip bone, and Andrew’s harsh breathing told Neil that wasn’t the case.  
The kiss was needy.  
The kiss was longing.  
The kiss was wanting.  
  
Another memory, a sharp sensation in his mind.  
  
Neil was staring in shock at Andrew, thinking it didn’t make sense that Andrew wanted to blow him, that he liked him. He thought that Andrew was lying, but while Andrew was a lot of unpleasant things, he wasn’t a pathological liar, Neil knew that.  
‘ _You never said anything_.’  
_‘Why should I have?_ ’ Andrew had shrugged. ‘ _Nothing will come of it._ ’  
‘ _Nothing._ ’ Neil had repeated, and Andrew had said, ‘ _I am self-destructive, not stupid. I know better._ ’  
  
Neil flinched back into the now.  
  
Immediately, Andrew leaned back.  
Let go of Neil’s lips.  
And hips.  
  
What did the memory mean?  
  
Neil looked in shock at Andrew.  
Andrew _liked_ him?  
  
Seeing Neil’s expression, Andrew took an actual step back.  
He was frowning.  
  
‘Neil,’ he said.  
  
Neil shook his head.  
  
Andrew clenched his jaw. ‘Neil,’ he repeated.  
  
They had kissed.  
Andrew liked him.  
Still in shock, Neil touched his lips.  
He could still feel the pressure and warmth of Andrew’s lips on his.  
  
‘Neil, did you know what you were saying yes to?’  
  
Andrew looked tense.  
  
They had _kissed_.  
  
Forcing away the urge to lie, Neil shook his head. ‘No,’ he whispered, and his voice would probably not carry over the loud music, but Andrew still recognized the words on his lips.  
  
His eyes hardened and his hands balled into fists.  
  
‘Why the _fuck_ ,’ he started, then took another step back. Away from Neil. ‘Why the fuck would you say yes when you don’t know what you're saying yes to?’  
  
That was a good question.  
Neil wished he had the answer.

He tried to shrug casually, but his world still felt like it was spinning way too fast.  
He didn’t know if it was because of his head, or because of the memory.  
Or the kiss.

Andrew didn’t buy his shrug.  
  
‘ _Fuck_ ,’ he said again.  
  
His fists were trembling, clenching, unclenching.  
Then, without looking at Neil, he walked away.  
  
With a shaking hand, Neil touched his lips again.  
  
A glass was put on the table, and the sound startled Neil out of his thoughts.  
  
Only then did he realize that Kevin was still at the table.  
Or well, in theory.  
Kevin was extremely drunk.  
  
Looking back at the spot where Andrew had vanished, Neil wondered if he should go after him, but then found that he didn’t know if he wanted to.  
  
His heart was pounding wildly.  
  
‘Shit,’ he said.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good job Neil.
> 
> next time; strangers and another goddamn misunderstanding
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING <3 I'm just so so so grateful for every one of you who reads this fic and supports me simply by reading but also commenting and giving kudos or bookmarking this story, GUYS. You have no idea how happy that makes me :D Thank you so much.
> 
> As always, I'd love to know what you guys thought about this chapter and the mess that is Andreil right now :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> I'm finally, slowly, getting settled at home. Sooo that means there's more time for me to write :)
> 
> Enjoy!

  
Neil debated what he wanted to do now.  
Staying with a drunk and nearly unconscious Kevin didn’t sound all too appealing, so he stumbled back to the bar, where the bartender looked curiously behind him before shrugging.  
  
‘Someone left a message for you,’ he said, producing a piece of paper from his pocket.  
  
Neil stared at the words.  
  
**That’s not staying away, Nathaniel.**  
  
He couldn’t stop the memory even if he tried.

 _‘Anyway,’_ the man said, ‘ _Do try and remember that Andrew did this.’  
_ And Neil choked out a ‘ _Wha—_ ’ in surprise, because why the fuck would Andrew ever hurt him, he lo _—_ but the man shoved him back to the ground and his head _cracked_ against the floor and it hurt it hurt it hurt so much and his vision was disappearing but Neil needed to remember the guy’s appearance, no, needed to get away, he saw the fist rising, but he wasn’t fast enough _—_ ' _I wouldn’t associate with Andrew anymore, nor with any of the others. You can’t trust foxes after all.’_  
And the fist hit his head, on his wound, and _—_  
  
A tear rolled down his cheek.  
Neil felt so, so tired.  
  
He stuffed the piece of paper in his pocket and turned around, ignoring the questions the bartender was asking him, and went outside.

The cold air was exactly what he needed.  
Because it was too much to process.  
  
So tired.

The alcoholic buzz in his body was only dragging him down now, making his movements slower, sluggish.  
  
Someone touched his shoulder. ‘Hey, you okay?’  
  
Neil dragged his head up. ‘‘M fine,’ he mumbled.  
  
‘You sure? You don’t look so fine.’  
  
The stranger looked concerned, but why was he concerned, Neil thought tiredly. ‘I think.’ He struggled with his words. ‘I think I’m going to run.’  
  
The stranger, a guy with dirty blonde hair and friendly brown eyes, laughed at that. ‘You sure? You don’t seem very capable of that right now.’  
  
No, that was probably true.  
  
‘But,’ Neil frowned. ‘What’m I supposed to do then? Running’s the only thing I’m good at.’  
  
The guy sighed. ‘Okay. Okay, come on. You can crash on my couch.’  Supporting Neil with one arm, he started towards the parking garage. ‘You’ll probably feel _a lot_ better in the morning. Or maybe worse, I guess.’  
  
Neil let himself be dragged towards a car.  
  
_So_ tired.  
Of the memories.  
Of trying to fit into a life.  
Of himself.  
Mostly himself.  
  
Neil barely registered that the stranger lived close by Eden’s twilight when they entered his house, before he let himself drop on the couch.  
  
The guy laughed again. ‘Okay, I’ll get you some blankets.’  
  
By the time he returned, Neil was already asleep.  
  
\- / -  
  
He woke up to the smell of coffee.  
But he was in his bed? How strong did the coffee have to be that he could smell it here?  
  
‘Andrew?’ Neil mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.  
  
‘Nope, I’m Lucas. I’m a friend of Roland, but I don’t think you caught that when I told you in the car yesterday.’  
  
Looking around, Neil noticed he was in an unfamiliar and small but tidy apartment.

Lucas was sitting at his round kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee and eating breakfast. Oats with fruits. Neil thought that Kevin would appreciate the healthy breakfast.  
Another cup of coffee was on the table.  
  
‘I made it. It's fresh,’ Lucas pointed out.  
  
Neil picked up the coffee and practically inhaled it. ‘What happened?’ he asked, hating himself for not paying enough attention yesterday night. For not _remembering_.

‘Well, Roland saw you walking off looking like a ghost and asked me if I could check if you were alright.’ When Neil still looked confused, he added, ‘I work part time at the club.’  
  
‘Who’s Roland?’ Neil asked.  
  
Now it was Lucas’s turn to look confused. ‘The bartender? The guy who gave you that awesome but probably too strong mix yesterday?’  
  
Well that made sense.  
  
‘Anyway,’ Lucas continued, and he reminded Neil a little of Nicky with the way he talked so easily. ‘I tried texting your friends to let them know you’re alright, but your phone’s dead. You can text them with my phone though.’  
  
Right.  
He should probably do that, shouldn’t he?  
Text his "friends".  
Or maybe he should text Andrew, who apparently liked him _._ No, Neil remembered the last bit of his memory yesterday. Past-Neil had actually thought Andrew lov _—_ Wait.  
  
In his memory, it hadn’t been Andrew who hit him.  
  
Still, he could’ve hired someone.  
But.  
In his memory, Neil was so convinced that the stranger was talking bullshit, because he was so convinced Andrew wouldn’t hurt him.  
  
Neil didn’t know if he believed himself,  
because that’s all it was, really.  
His own observations and thoughts.  
And they could sure as fuck be biased.

But.  
But Andrew’s kiss.  
No, kissing Andrew.  
That had been _—  
_ Neil grabbed a slice of bread and forced himself to think about something else.

‘Actually,’ he said. ‘Could you give me a ride? The station is fine too.’  
  
\- / -  
  
Lucas eventually drove him all the way to Palmetto.  
He said he liked chatting with Neil so much that it was no bother to drop him off. Even though the drive was over 2 hours.  
Neil thought he probably still looked terrible.  
  
At the Tower, he had half a mind to simply pack up and be gone, but there was still an aching tiredness in his bones, so with the last of his strength he climbed the ladder to his bed and let himself drop.  
He fell asleep like that.  
  
\- / -  
  
It must be somewhere around 8 in the evening when he woke up because the front door slammed shut.  
  
Neil tried to ignore it.  
But as the bedroom door slammed open, Neil could no longer try to ignore it.  
  
Behind Andrew, the light in the living room was switched on, giving him an almost ominous glow.  
  
Blinking against the brightness, Neil lifted himself up slowly.  
  
‘The. _Fuck._ Neil.’ Andrew said through clenched teeth.  
  
Neil yawned, still tired. ‘What?’  
  
Behind Andrew, Neil saw Nicky and Kevin hanging around.  
Nicky he could guess, probably curiosity, but why was Kevin waiting to see how this would go?  
  
Andrew looked like he debated whether he wanted to drag Neil out of bed and crack his head on the ground, or climb up and smother him with his pillow.  
  
‘Where were you.’  
  
Neil shrugged. ‘Some guy took me home.’  
  
Nicky gasped.  
  
Okay, maybe he should’ve rephrased that.  
But he was still so _tired_ , his thoughts were so slow, and the memories were pressing down on him, and he just wanted _—_ wanted something  
_steadying._  
  
The wanting suddenly ached.  
  
Andrew stared him down, even though he was below Neil. ‘And did that help?’ he asked. ‘Did fucking someone calm you down enough?’  
  
What?  
Did Andrew really think he’d _—_  
Neil narrowed his eyes at Andrew.  
Fine.  
  
‘Yeah totally,’ he said. ‘Just what I needed after someone left me alone.’  
  
Hot burning anger took control of Andrew.  
Neil saw it happening.  
  
Kicking the bed frame hard enough that Neil fell back on his arms, Andrew said something through gritted teeth that Neil didn’t quite catch, before punching the bed with such strength that something _cracked_.  
  
The bed suddenly shifted sideways, one of the legs probably broken. Neil scrambled to climb out of bed before it could fall down.  
That didn’t mean Andrew would stop.  
Another punch.  
Again.  
And again.  
  
Neil ran towards him and grabbed his wrist. ‘Stop, Andrew, stop.’  
  
Andrew turned around, looking furious.  
Neil quickly let go.  
  
‘Stop,’ he said again.  
  
Breathing harshly, Andrew’s whole frame seemed to shake with anger.  
  
Neil didn’t know what exactly had set him off, only that he had to calm him down.  
His eyes darted quickly to Andrew’s fist.  
It was bloody, and from the looks of it, probably broken.  
  
‘Nicky,’ he called out. ‘Get the first aid kit.’  
  
He heard Nicky scramble off to get it.  
  
Without taking his eyes off Andrew, he held out his hand. ‘Can I see your fist, Andrew?’  
  
The silence that followed was only interrupted by Andrew’s blood dripping on the floor.  
  
Then.

‘You don’t need your hand to _see_.’  
  
Still Neil held his hand out. ‘I need to take a look at it in a medical way, Andrew. I think it’s broken.’  
  
‘So? Who says you can heal it?’  
  
Stupid, stubborn, self-destructive.  
  
And Neil refused to give up.  
Still holding out his hand, still looking at Andrew, he said, ‘I just want to take care of you.’  
  
Andrew didn’t say anything, eyes watching Neil wearily.  
  
Nicky returned with the first aid kit and put it in Neil’s other hand before leaving the room again.  
  
There was no anger in Andrew’s eyes anymore, just _—_ and this Neil recognized _—_ _tiredness._  
His fist was still dripping, and there was now a small puddle of blood beneath Andrew’s fist.  
  
After what felt like hours, Andrew lifted his hand.  
  
Sighing quietly in relief, Neil ushered Andrew to sit on Kevin’s bed.  
He kneeled in front of him, opening the first aid kit and taking out what he needed.

Andrew watched in silence as Neil cleaned up his hand as best as he could, trying to keep his touches to a minimum.

While wrapping Andrew’s hand in bandages, Neil looked up, gauging how he was feeling, but Andrew’s eyes were blank.  
  
Neil let go of his hand. ‘Done.’  
  
Andrew nodded once.  
  
Neil saw how closed off Andrew was right now so he left the room,  
and closed the door behind him.  
  
Kevin was already engrossed in something behind his laptop, but Nicky was standing hesitatingly near the front door.  
  
‘He needs to go to Abby,’ Nicky said, looking at the ground.  
  
Another misunderstanding.  
  
‘Nicky,’ Neil started. ‘Don’t get me wrong, what you did wasn't okay, but I’m not mad anymore. You can look at me when you talk to me.’  
  
Nicky did.  
  
‘I’m going to Wymack and explain the situation,’ Neil announced. ‘Probably ask if I can sleep at his place for a while, since my bed’s a little ruined.’  
  
‘Thank you,’ Nicky said sadly.  
  
\- / -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time; pipe dreams
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! <3 I hope you liked this chapter :D  
> Comments are very much appreciated (and hyped/squeeled over by me hihi)  
> You guys are awesome, and until the next update !


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo lovely people!
> 
> We're halfway through the week, and I hope you're all doing okay :) Like Neil right now ahah.. ha.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Wymack didn’t seem that surprised when he told him that his bed was ruined.  
Though the loud snort when he’d said, ‘Andrew wrecked my bed,’ had Neil lifting his eyebrows in confusion.  
  
But _—_ and Wymack had added _of course—_ he could stay the night.  
  
Of course he could stay.  
  
\- / -  
  
The next morning, Neil figured he should stop by the apartment to see how, well, how everything was going.  
To his surprise, Nicky was in the living room, sitting on one of the bean bags, with Andrew on the other.  
  
‘Where’s Kevin?’ he asked.  
  
‘Training,’ Nicky sighed.  
  
Should've known.  
Neil nodded and made himself a coffee in his mug.  
  
‘Sooo,’ Nicky said, and he stretched his _so_ , which made Neil doubt that he was going to like whatever he was going to say next. ‘Tell me about last night. Who was this mysterious stranger, tell me what he looked like.’  
  
After taking a hesitant drink of his coffee, which nope, still too hot, Neil turned around and said, ‘Um. He was blonde?’  
  
Nicky groaned. ‘Okay, your preference is noted. Come on, more details, Neil.’  
  
‘What do you want to know?’ Neil asked, and his eyes flickered to Andrew, but he remained silent.  
  
‘First off,’ Nicky started, and Neil regretted his question already. ‘Was he handsome? Second, how was the sex? Third, did he leave his socks on? Because, you know, that’s weird and tells you a lot about someone.’  
  
Neil raised his eyebrows in surprise, then remembered that he forgot to actually clear up the misunderstanding. ‘I don’t know if he was handsome. And I didn’t have sex with him. I don’t swing, remember?’  
  
‘What?’ Nicky said. His surprise sounded like relief.  
  
‘Yeah, I was just…’ Neil searched for the right word. ‘Lost, I guess, and he saw me stumbling so he let me crash on his couch for the night. He was actually sent by... What was his name? Roland?’  
  
Which made Neil remember the piece of paper that Roland had given him before he had taken off.  
For a second, panic started to rise in his chest, his throat, as he thought about the threat.  
Whoever it was, they had seen him kissing Andrew and had understood he hadn’t listened to their warning.  
  
But what were the consequences?  
  
Neil should assume the worst.  
  
Did this mean he should leave?  
  
Forcing his panic down, Neil took another drink of his coffee and searched for a topic that would be normal.  
He glanced at the mug in his hands.  
  
‘Hey Nicky, where’s your mug?’  
  
‘Oh I don’t have one.’  
  
Neil leaned against the kitchen counter to at least appear relaxed. ‘Why not?’  
  
Smiling, Nicky looked at Andrew. ‘Well _—_ ’  
  
‘It was your idea,’ Andrew cut him off. ‘And you didn’t buy one for Nicky.’  
  
Neil raised his eyebrows. ‘I didn’t? That’s rude.’  
  
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Nicky said slowly, ‘I think it was kinda romantic.’  
  
And for once, he didn’t get punched or grabbed.  
Instead, Andrew got to his feet and walked towards the sink to rinse off his mug.  
  
‘And was it?’ he asked Andrew, who only shot him a blank look in reply before walking closer.  
  
He turned Neil’s mug around, as if he was observing it, but Neil felt Andrew’s fingers linger on his hand.  
Andrew shrugged.  
  
‘You wanted to write your name.’  
  
Neil looked in surprise at the mug in their hands, their fingers framing his name.  
  
\- / -  
  
The rest of the day, Neil hung out with Nicky, Kevin and Andrew.  
Hanging out with Kevin meant watching over his shoulder at the Exy game playing on his laptop.  
So really, Neil hung out with Nicky and Andrew.  
  
They watched a movie together, then played a few video games while Neil watched.  
  
It allowed him to push back the panic and ignore the threat burning in his pocket.  
  
\- / -  
  
At the end of the day, before leaving for Wymack’s, Neil was searching through his closet for a fresh pair of pyjamas when Andrew walked in. He closed the door behind him, then leaned against it.  
  
Fishing something out of the pile, because anything was fine really, Neil turned around and asked, ‘How’s your hand?’  
  
‘It’s not broken.’  
  
‘Kevin will be happy,’ Neil said, and made to turn around, to put the clothes into his bag.  
  
He felt Andrew’s presence at his back more than he’d heard him move.  
Could definitely feel Andrew grabbing his shirt with one hand.  
  
‘Andrew?’ he asked.  
  
‘You’re sleeping here tonight.’  
  
This made Neil turn around in surprise. ‘But the bed’s broken.’  
  
Andrew shrugged. ‘Mine’s not.’  
  
Was he joking?  
No, Andrew didn’t joke.  
Did Andrew feel guilty for breaking his bed?  
  
‘I can sleep on the couch, it’s fine,’ Neil said. ‘You don’t have to give up your bed.’  
  
Looking straight into his eyes, Andrew said, ‘I’m not giving it up.’  
  
The jump of Neil's heart was surprising,  
and caused Neil to look away, a little embarrassed.  
  
He tried to think of a reason to say no.  
The most obvious one would be "I don’t like you at all".  
  
‘Okay,’ Neil said.  
  
\- / -  
  
Well, here goes nothing, Neil thought as he finished changing in the bathroom and checked his breath for the twentieth time.  
He was stalling.  
And why was he checking his breath?  
  
He’d established that he didn’t exactly dislike Andrew,   
but did that mean he wanted to kiss him?  
  
Stop overthinking, he told himself.  
  
\- / -  
  
Andrew was near the window again.  
Only he wasn’t smoking.  
  
Feeling extremely like a trespasser, Neil laid down in Andrew’s bed and quietly fluffed up his own pillow which he’d grabbed for his own safety.  
  
Andrew sighed.  
  
Neil wanted to turn to look at him, but then Andrew walked to the bed and Neil forced himself to lie as quietly as possible as Andrew stepped into bed.  
  
Heart pounding, he tried to breathe normally.  
Andrew turned on his side and his feet touched Neil’s.  
  
‘Fuck,’ Neil hissed, ‘Your feet are _freezing_.’  
  
As if in revenge, or out of spite, Andrew didn’t move his feet. Neil shivered, but stayed where he was.  
  
Until Andrew’s gaze on his face became too much.  
  
Neil turned on his side as well, facing Andrew in the dark. ‘Staring,’ he smiled, but Andrew didn’t smile back.

Observing Andrew, Neil’s gaze flickered briefly to the cut on Andrew’s cheek.  
It was almost completely healed, only a pink line by now.  
But it would probably scar.  
  
Neil felt his heart clench.  
  
While he still didn’t trust his own memories completely, the feeling of surety, of a fierce protectiveness for Andrew, was something he didn’t want to take lightly.  
As he sort of, maybe, had started feeling it himself.  
And it surprised him.  
Had he really lived a life where he wanted to protect someone other than himself?  
  
‘Sorry,’ he whispered, and reached out his hand, hovering an inch above the would-be scar.  
  
Andrew looked at him.  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ Neil swallowed.  
  
He didn’t get a reply but Andrew didn’t move away either, so Neil lightly touched the cut.  
Traced it with the tip of his finger.  
  
Andrew silently watched him.  
  
Of course a memory was triggered.  
It felt like a slap in the face, a short pain, and then Andrew’s face, again, in front of him. They were on a roof, and Andrew flicked a cigarette off the edge as he said something, but it was blurred until Neil’s own voice said, surprised,  
‘ _I’m not a hallucination._ ’  
Andrew didn’t look at him as he said, ‘ _You are a pipe dream._ ’  
  
What?  
Neil blinked in confusion at Andrew, whose eyes were watching his every move sharply.  
  
Andrew’s voice was bored as he asked, ‘Memory?’ But he sat up slightly, leaning on his elbow. Neil wasn’t fooled.  
  
‘Yeah, but I don’t understand.’ Rolling on his back, Neil stared at the ceiling as he muttered, ‘I’m not a pipe dream.’  
  
When Andrew didn't say anything, didn't even move, Neil turned his head.  
  
Andrew’s eyes were closed.   
  
He asked quietly, ‘Yes or no, Neil.’  
  
Wait what _—_  
  
Neil tried to think of a reason to say no.  
The most obvious one would be "I don’t like you at all".  
  
‘Yes.’  
  
Andrew leaned over, and kissed him.  
  
The kiss was short, and soft.  
Almost like an answer to a question.  
  
When Andrew pulled back, he watched Neil for a moment before saying, ‘I guess you’re not.’  
  
-/-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time; trust?
> 
> Aah I hope you're still enjoying this story! <3  
> I think we're around or just past the middle part now... But still, lots of stuff needs to happen.  
> Thoughts, feelings and everything are very much appreciated! I love reading your comments, they make me really happy and inspired to write more <3  
> Seriously, thank you so much for that :D


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> I'm sorry the update is a little late, I've been having a lot of anxieties lately about loads of things. That's why I haven't been really active on my laptop the last two days, sorry!  
> I've just been concerned about whether the chapters are too short, though that allows me to update so frequently buuuttt I don't want to spam you all with constant updates and aaah I'm sorry, I'll stop rambling. Just ugh thoughts, you know? Sometimes you wish you could switch them off. 
> 
> BUT let's get onto the chapter. Exciting things.  
> Enjoy!

The sun was barely up when Neil woke up.  
Looking beside him, he saw that Andrew had turned around in his sleep again,   
had nestled his arm underneath Neil’s pillow again, and Neil found himself staring. Again.  
  
Without thinking, he reached out and brushed a strand of hair from Andrew’s face.

He couldn’t do anything to avoid the fist.  
  
Grunting in pain, Neil clutched his cheek in his hand and quickly moved away from Andrew,   
who looked sleepy and confused, but definitely not guilty about punching him.  
Who was blurring, fading away.  
  
Neil felt himself lose consciousness.  
  
-/-  
  
It was, of fucking course, another memory.  
  
Neil heard himself talking _—_ where was he?   
  
He vaguely recognised it as Wymack’s apartment, and he was talking in German, and he was telling the truth, or the partial truth about himself, and Andrew asked him why he came here and Neil replied, ‘ _Because I’m tired. I have nowhere else to go, and I’m too jealous of Kevin to stay away from him. He has everything, even when he’s lost everything, and I’m—_ _nothing._ _I’ll always have and be nothing._ ’  
  
And Andrew had stared him down and Neil's stomach had turned, because he’d just told Andrew the most honest thing he’d ever told anyone about his life, and Andrew accepted it without batting an eye.  
And Neil wondered, if Andrew could handle the entire truth so calmly.  
But that was too dangerous and stupid to consider.  
That was too dangerous

And stupid.  
  
-/-  
  
The world came into focus again, and Neil blinked.  
Remembered the memory.  
  
Panicked, he shot up, which was a wrong, wrong move, because the bed should not be spinning so much. He calmly lay down again.  
And noticed he was alone in the bed.  
  
He looked around for Andrew, and found him sitting near the window.  
  
The memory was still fresh in his mind.   
He’d trusted Andrew with so much of himself.  
And that scared him, because he had never trusted anyone with so much.  
  
‘Who did you tell?’ Neil asked sharply.  
  
Andrew slowly turned his head. ‘You have to be more specific.’  
  
Neil switched to German, for fear of someone listening in. ‘Who did you tell about me? About my identity?’  
  
Not impressed, Andrew waved his words away and continued staring out of the window.  
  
Neil dragged himself out of bed and walked closer to Andrew. ‘I _need_ to know. If I figure out you told someone…’ he trailed off, not clearheaded enough to think of a threat.  
  
‘Don’t trust me, Neil?’ Andrew said sarcastically.  
  
No.  
Ye _—  
_ Neil forced his thoughts in another direction. Like, why did Andrew evade his question?

Neil narrowed his eyes and took another, albeit swaying, step forward. ‘Of course not,’ he said.  
  
Because.  
He shouldn’t.  
But.

Turning his head to look at Neil, Andrew’s expression turned cold. ‘No? That’s weird. I could’ve sworn punching someone into fucking amnesia made them trust you.’  
  
Did he just _confess_?  
  
‘What the fuck?’ Neil asked shocked, and partly suspicious.  
  
Andrew’s jaw clenched.   
  
‘Look how quickly he believes.’  
  
‘You haven’t said anything to prove me otherwise.’  
  
‘I don’t need to prove myself to you.’  
  
Neil scoffed. ‘That’s really convincing.’  
  
Andrew said nothing, but his stare was cold.   
  
Neil felt angry, because it was easy to be angry, easier than to admit to something stupid. Because there were still only pieces that made up Andrew, pieces that made sense and at the same time didn’t,   
pieces that contradicted.  
Pieces that showed Andrew punching him, that told him to stay away from Andrew, pieces that showed him how Andrew was the only thing keeping him from running, a steadying presence at his back, someone he could

trust?  
  
Fuck.  
Neil turned around.  
  
This was too much, it was too much, how could he trust someone with everything, every fucked up little thing of himself, was it worth it, was it really worth it for this fractured and broken version of a life that someone else had lived not him, because who was he really who was Neil Josten if not a lie a lie  
a huge fucking amnesiac lie.  
  
Neil ran.  
  
Nothing registered except his feet taking him away from the danger, outside the apartment door, getting him to safety, stairs, somewhere he could start anew, outside.  
  
And Neil didn’t see the fucking car.  
  
It hit him in the side, and Neil thanked his quick reflexes for jumping out of the way before any real damage could be done as he fell to the pavement.  
The car screeched to a stop, but Neil was already lost in his mind.  
  
He was forcing himself to sit down, felt himself panicking and fighting the urge to run and suddenly he had called Andrew ‘ _Come and get me from the stadium,_ ’ and even though Andrew had been in his car, driving, almost at the interstate, he had turned around and had picked Neil up, had stopped him from running.  
  
Again.  
  
Suddenly, Neil could see the pavement with laser sharp focus.  
Could see the fresh cuts and bruises and the old scars and burns on hands that held him up.  
He heard himself breathe loudly.  
  
A car door got thrown shut as the driver walked out to check how he was doing.  
  
But all Neil could think about was how he should really stop.  
  
_Stop it_ , he told himself, just like he’d told Andrew.  
  
Stop running.  
Stop panicking.  
Stop lying, or at the very least, stop lying to yourself.  
  
Neil let his head fall to the ground, and took a deep breath, forcing himself to release all of his anxieties. For now.  
  
Breathe in.  
Breathe out.  
  
A smile forced its way onto his face, and it felt a little weird, especially since the guy was now near Neil and asking him questions, touching his shoulder, probably checking if he wasn’t dead or something.   
But all Neil felt was relief.  
  
‘Get the fuck away from him.’  
  
Neil lifted his head and saw Andrew standing in front of him, his back to Neil.  
The driver was walking slowly away with his hands raised. Andrew put something underneath his wristbands before turning around, crouching so he was nearly eye level with Neil.  
  
He grabbed Neil’s shirt and roughly pulled him up.  
Neil scrambled a little as to not fall flat on his face again while Andrew pulled him close.  
  
‘Don’t go again,’ Andrew said threateningly.  ‘You want proof? How about me not killing you right now?’  
  
Neil felt himself smile again, and Andrew’s fist tightened in his shirt. ‘How about me not hitting you with _my_ car?’  
  
‘I trust you,’ Neil said.  
  
‘Good,’ Andrew spat out, ‘Because you were home, and I don’t know how to fucking not go home, okay?’  
  
The swirling feeling in Neil’s stomach definitely wasn’t nausea.  
  
Andrew dropped him onto the pavement.  
  
‘Ow,’ Neil said.  
  
‘It’s your own fucking fault.’  
  
Andrew walked away, and Neil wasn’t sure what exactly he was accused of.  
  
\--  
  
There was a piece of paper taped to the inside of his locker.  
Moving closer, so he was blocking the view for the others, Neil unstuck it and, holding his breath, opened it.  
  
**Having car trouble, Nathaniel?**  
  
He quickly crumpled it in his fist.  
It was safe to assume that they had found him.  
  
Neil tried to be practical about what he should do, but it was hard when his fear was currently gripping all his nerves, controlling his limbs, and consuming his thoughts.   
  
Neil planted his feet solidly on the ground.  
  
‘Neil, you coming?’ Kevin called him.  
  
Neil clenched his fist. ‘Yeah, just a second.’  
  
‘I’m counting,’ Kevin threatened before leaving the locker room.  
  
That left Neil on his own.  
Just to be sure, he glanced around before putting the paper back in his locker, hiding it beneath his shoe.  
  
The door suddenly opened, startling him. Neil quickly looked over his shoulder.  
Andrew was waiting in the door opening.  
  
‘Yeah, coming,’ Neil said, and slammed his locker decidedly shut.   
  
Later.  
  
He ignored Andrew’s stare as he walked onto the court.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time; can you help me remember?
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, and thanks so much for sticking with this story!  
> I'm so sorry for my absence the last two days. I felt SO bad because I appreciate your comments SO much, they make me so happy <3 But I'll reply faster now !  
> You're all awesome.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> How's your weekend? I hope it's grand :D I know I've been slowly getting back into the habit of writing something everyday and I LOVE it. Writing makes me feel so calm :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

It was a slow Sunday morning.  
  
Draped across a bean bag, Neil was staring absentmindedly at the T.V. screen. His mind was elsewhere.  
  
The note _—_ its threatening words kept repeating themselves in his head, and Neil didn’t know what to do.   
He knew what he _wanted_ to do.  
He wanted to ignore it.  
  
It had been a week now since the second note, and Neil had gotten a taste of what a fairly mundane and somewhat peaceful life could be like.  
  
There was practice with the team and Kevin, movie nights with Matt, longer nights of sleep, and  
Andrew.  
A lot of the time Andrew didn’t talk to him, didn’t even really acknowledge Neil, but it seemed like being in his presence, being in the same room, was enough.  
Neil liked it.  
  
And while he definitely still missed pieces of his memory, they were _finally,_ slowly, returning. At least, the simple ones were, those that weren’t really important individually, but more so in the grand scheme of things. As if his sketch was complete, and he was a sort of vague, not finished drawing, but definitely already resembling what it should be like.  
  
So, no.  
Running wasn’t an option.  
  
Perhaps he should take the offense? Instead of trying to hide, find out who was threatening him and why.  
But laying low was something he knew how to do, since it had always been the safest option.  
  
Neil groaned, stuck in this repetitive circle for a while now.  
  
He didn’t want to stir up things by investigating, but he didn’t want to be a sitting duck either.  
  
The idea suddenly struck him.  
The first note had been given to him by Roland, who'd said someone had given it to him.  
So. Roland had seen someone.  
  
It might lead nowhere, but it was a start, wasn’t it?  
  
Relieved, Neil sank down even lower on his bean bag, just as Nicky ran into the living room, grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the cupboard, then his coat, before calling out, ‘Bye Neil!’  
  
As soon as Nicky was gone, Andrew wandered into the living room.  
  
‘Where did Nicky go?’ Neil asked, but Andrew only gave him a half shrug, gravitating towards the coffee machine where he prepared a cup of coffee for himself and Neil, seeing as he’d grabbed Neil’s mug as well.  
  
It made Neil smile.  
  
‘And Kevin?’   
  
‘Girlfriend.’  
  
‘Oh,’ Neil said. Then he realized something. ‘We’re alone.’  
  
‘Very observant of you,’ Andrew responded as he walked towards the other bean bag, handing Neil his coffee before sitting down.  
  
But this was different.  
  
They hadn’t been alone together yet. Kevin or Nicky were usually at the apartment.  
And they hadn’t...  
Kissed.  
After the last time.  
  
Did Neil even want that to happen again?  
  
Shuffling his feet, Neil was about to start a conversation when Andrew increased the volume of the T.V.  
  
So.  
They watched T.V. together.  
Or well, Neil hoped Andrew was watching, because he found his mind drifting constantly, repeating what Andrew had angrily said to him a week ago.  
  
_You were home._

His stomach flipped again. Neil told himself he couldn’t stare at Andrew, because it would definitely be too noticeable, but oh, he really wanted to.  
He hadn’t experienced something like this before.  
It was just _—_ He was just so interested in Andrew.  
  
Well, not like that.  
  
He glanced sneakily at Andrew from the corner of his eye, and saw him take a sip of coffee out of his ANDREW’S MUG.  
  
Neil had noticed that Andrew hadn’t used any other mug in the weeks that he’d been here.  
He wondered if it was actually Andrew’s favourite mug.  
The thought sort of warmed his heart, and Neil felt his stomach swirl, and those were some really satisfied feelings, and oh, Andrew had turned around to look at him.  
  
Not wanting to stop looking, Neil held his gaze, until Andrew narrowed his eyes and took a sip of his coffee again.  
  
‘You’re not going to tell me off for looking?’ Neil asked.  
  
‘You’re allowed to look.'  
  
Somehow that felt like a victory to Neil, and he sipped smugly from his coffee.  
  
‘Stop that.’  
  
Neil grinned. ‘So I’m not allowed to smile?’  
  
Andrew gave him a _look_ , but said nothing.  
  
‘No, no, this is useful,’ Neil continued, sitting up a little. ‘What else am I not allowed to do?’  
  
‘Anything against the law,’ Andrew deadpanned.  
  
He sighed, because okay, fair point, wven though Neil doubted Andrew abided by the same rules. ‘So what _am_ I allowed to do?’  
  
Andrew actually gave his question some thought. Neil saw him lower his mug and stare at his hands for a while.  
He waited patiently.  
  
‘You can touch my hands.’  
  
Feeling weirdly excited, Neil put down his mug, then carefully put Andrew’s on the floor as well.  
Then he drew up short. He stared at Andrew’s hands.  
What now?  
  
Apparently deciding Neil took too long, Andrew reached out and grabbed Neil’s left hand.  
He interlaced their fingers kind of roughly.  
  
Neil watched their hands in wonder.  
  
So this was what it was like to hold hands.  
  
Using their linked hands, Andrew pulled Neil closer. It made Neil fall out of his bean bag and onto the floor, and he would’ve complained if Andrew hadn’t followed him to the floor as well, pushing Neil down and bracing himself on either side of his head.  
  
‘Remember this?’  
  
Neil shook his head.  
  
His heart was suddenly pounding a lot faster as he looked up at Andrew,  
who was letting go of his hand and started to pull back.  
But _—_  
  
Neil quickly asked, ‘Can you help me remember?’  
  
Pausing, Andrew looked at Neil.  
Searched for something in his eyes.  
Then.  
  
‘You don’t know what you’re asking.’  
  
‘Yes,’ Neil said. Because he could sort of guess, yeah.  
  
Andrew seemed to doubt for a second longer, his eyes never leaving Neil’s.  
  
Then he pressed two fingers against Neil’s pulse point.  
And it was kind of embarrassing, because the beat of Neil’s heart was going insanely fast.  
  
A lot gentler than before, Andrew took one of Neil’s hands, and pressed it to his own neck.  
Andrew’s heartbeat was beating rapidly beneath his fingers,   
playing a nervous and excited rhythm that had Neil flushing a little.  
  
He moved to drop his hand but Andrew shook his head, stopping him.  
  
‘Head and neck are okay.’  
  
So Neil calmly put his hand on Andrew’s neck again, and, with the barest hint of pressure _—_ but Andrew knew what he wanted and obliged _—_ pulled Andrew’s lips against his.  
  
The way Andrew kissed him  
made Neil reassess his previous thought.  
  
Okay, maybe like that.  
  
There was barely any room left for breathing,   
because Andrew refused to leave his lips for longer than absolutely necessary.  
Refused to let something like air come between them.  
  
Their lips were sliding together slowly, calmly, but it had Neil’s blood boiling.  
  
Until he, unfortunately, had to breathe.  
  
When he looked at Andrew, Neil almost felt his breath leave his body again.  
Andrew’s pupils were large, his hair was a little messy, and his cheeks were the tiniest bit flushed.  
  
Neil swallowed. ‘Am I allowed to do this?’ he asked thickly.  
  
‘You just did, didn’t you?’  
  
Neil ran his tongue over his lips.  
Yes, he definitely did.  
  
Andrew’s gaze darkened.  
  
‘Sorry,’ Neil smiled. ‘Can you show me again? Just to be sure.’  
  
Andrew’s lips crashed against his.  
  
\--  
  
To Neil’s sort of surprise, Andrew pulled away after a while.  
After they had been _kissing_ for a while.  
His stomach flipped, but at the same time, the word bubbled up again.  
_Why?_  
  
Had he done something wrong?  
  
From the way Andrew was breathing rather heavily, though Neil could tell he was trying his best to control his breathing, he figured Andrew was just as affected by this as Neil was.  
  
His gaze fell on Andrew’s clenched fist.  
Weird.  
  
Then Neil remembered. ‘I want to go to Columbia again.’  
  
It was unexpected enough that Andrew unclenched his fist and turned his head to look at Neil.  
He nodded.  
  
Swallowing, Neil forced himself to look away from Andrew.  
Especially his lips.  
  
So.  
Blood rushing.  
Heart pounding.  
The distance between them already too much.  
  
Neil couldn’t really deny his interest anymore now, could he?  
  
\--  
  
Eden’s twilight was exactly the same as the last time Neil had been there. People in various types of leather, chains, and black clothes. Black clothes everywhere.  
  
Neil pulled at the zipper of his black hoodie.  
Nicky had told him it wasn’t fashionable to wear it zipped up, but Neil couldn’t see how having it _open_ would be more attractive.  
Anyway.  
  
He followed Andrew to the bar again.  
After Roland had poured all of their drinks, Neil leaned closer, opening his mouth to ask about the paper and the stranger, until he felt Andrew’s gaze on him and _—_ he didn’t want Andrew to know.  
  
So he waited for the rest to get drunk, which didn’t take long. Especially in Kevin’s case, who skipped the first shot and went straight for the vodka.  
But. Neil noticed Andrew was limiting himself tonight. He knew Andrew didn’t allow himself to get drunk, because he didn’t want to lose control.  
  
After Aaron and Nicky went away to dance, Neil leaned closer and said, ‘I’m going to get another soda.’  
  
When he leaned back, Andrew’s eyes were watching him intently.  
It took every little piece of strength Neil had to walk away towards the bar.  
  
‘Hey Roland,’ Neil started, and Roland leaned casually against the bar so he could hear Neil better, ‘Do you remember last time I was here?’  
  
Roland nodded. ‘I remember the death threats, yeah.’  
  
Neil’s eyebrows shot up.  
_How—_  
  
‘Please don’t go anywhere without telling Andrew again,’ Roland complained.  
  
Oh.  
  
‘No, not that,’ Neil waved his complaint away. ‘You gave me a piece of paper. Do you remember who gave it to you?’  
  
Narrowing his eyes, Roland seemed to think for a minute. ‘Yeah…’ he said slowly, ‘Some Asian guy. Wearing a suit and all. I remember thinking, who wears a suit to a hot and sweaty night club, you know?’  
  
Neil nodded, but his mind was already reliving the memory of when he’d been punched into this mess.  
So far, it matched.  
  
‘Anything else?’   
  
He hoped there would be anything else.  
  
Roland shook his head and Neil felt his heart sink.

‘Wait,’ Roland suddenly said, and Neil nearly flung himself over the bar from eagerness as he leaned forward, ‘I think he was wearing a little pin on his suit. Some sort of feather. It was black, and his suit was black, so it was hard to make out exactly. Sorry.’  
  
But Neil had heard enough to deduct who was behind the attack.  
And while he sighed from relief that at least it wasn’t his father behind the attack, he doubted the Moriyamas would be any better.  
They might very well be worse.  
They were possibly worse.  
Definitely.  
  
‘Thanks,’ Neil said and turned around.  
  
And nearly bumped into Andrew.  
  
Jumping back, half from shock, half from guilt, Neil tried to keep the surprise from his face as he met Andrew’s eyes.  
  
‘Everything okay?’ he asked.  
  
Andrew narrowed his eyes. Then he grabbed Neil’s wrist and dragged him back to their table, where Kevin was positively wasted now.  
  
For the rest of the night, Neil could feel Andrew’s suspicious stare on him. He tried his best to appear relaxed.  
  
But he probably didn’t fool Andrew.  
  
\--  
  
The next slip of paper was on the doormat in front of their house in Columbia.  
Neil startled when he spotted it, and thanked his luck that he was the first to wake up.  
  
He told himself his fingers weren’t trembling as he opened it.  
  
**You’re not being very smart, are you, Nathaniel?**

 _Fuck you_ , Neil thought.  
  
But he’s right, a voice whispered in his head. It’s not smart to take the offense.  
Lay low, the voice whispered again, seek a hiding place, maybe a new name?  
Hide, Neil, hide, hide, hide.  
  
Shaking, Neil put the paper in the pocket of his sweatpants.

The stairs’ creaking warned him that someone was coming downstairs. Probably Andrew, since he always woke up whenever Neil did, and always joined him quietly, wherever Neil was.  
Even when Andrew was still dead tired.  
  
The door to the living room opened.  
It was Andrew.  
  
Neil managed to reduce his shaking enough to grab a glass from one of the cupboards, but before he could hold it under the tap, Andrew had taken it from him and was filling it with water.  
  
Neil sighed.  
  
Andrew gave him the glass back, and watched Neil until he took a few sips. Then he walked towards the couch and let himself fall on it.  
  
Neil sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.  
He watched Andrew’s breathing slow down as he fell asleep again.  
  
No.  
Neil gritted his teeth.  
He was not ready to give this up.   
  
Whatever this was.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time; an unfamiliar black car
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and the way things are going ! Thanks so much for reading this story <3 I'd love to hear all your thoughts because they get me so HYPEd and excited and happy :D But I'm also beyond grateful that you're reading this story :) That means a lot to me!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> Hope you're doing great, and that the weather is slightly better where you are! Because it's kinda grey in the Netherlands right now.  
> At least it's sort of cozy I guess?  
> ANYWAYS.  
> This chapter is longer than usual, so I hope you enjoy... :)

There was an unfamiliar car in the parking lot near the Tower on Thursday morning. Neil spotted it when he went for a morning run.  
He tried to see who was inside, but the glass was tinted and he didn’t want to get too close.  
  
When he returned, the car was gone.  
  
Neil tried to pay it no mind.  
  
\--  
  
‘Neil?’ Matt asked again.  
  
Startled, Neil dropped his racquet.  
  
He tried to hide his abnormal reaction to Matt only saying his name, but the sound of his racquet falling to the ground kind of drew everyone’s attention.  
_Shit._  
  
Matt was looking at him, concern clear on his face. ‘Are you okay?’   
  
Picking up his racquet, buying more time to compose himself, Neil forced a neutral expression on his face. When he straightened again, he managaed to say calmly, ‘Yeah sorry, I was just thinking about something.’  
  
‘Can I guess who something was?’ Nicky piped up from the corner of the locker room. Everyone ignored him though.  
  
Matt walked a little closer. ‘Neil, you sure?’  
  
Nodding a little too enthusiastically, but it couldn’t be helped, Neil grabbed his bag and turned around. ‘I’m sure, I’m fine. Bye guys.’  
  
Of course the car was on the parking lot of the stadium.  
  
Neil pulled his hoodie over his head and ran.  
All the way home.  
  
\--  
  
It was almost evening, Neil could tell, the sun hanging low in the sky and bathing their living room in orange light. The bean bags looked weirdly artistic in the warm sunlight.  
Except Neil wasn’t sitting on the bean bags.  
  
He was in a corner of the room, back against the wall, knees raised and staring at his hands.  
They wouldn’t. stop. shaking.  
  
The car had been at their house in Columbia.  
At the Tower.  
At the stadium.  
  
Nowhere—  
Neil took a rattled breath.  
Nowhere was safe.

And while he told himself he would take the offense, he found he couldn’t. He couldn’t simply charge at the car, and the knowledge who was probably inside made it … impossible for Neil to _do_ anything except.  
Wait it out.  
Because he wouldn’t run.  
And he probably also couldn’t run anymore.  
  
But waiting it out was taking its toll on him.  
  
Would—would anyone miss him when he was gone?

Damnit.  
Neil felt tears prick in the corners of his eyes.  
Just when he finally felt like a _real_ person.  
  
No.  
No, he would try and pull himself together again.  
He could probably manage for a few more days.  
  
Neil took a deep, unsteady breath,  
so when Andrew opened the door, coming back from his late class, Neil managed something that resembled a smile as he held up a frozen pizza.  
  
‘How about I cook tonight?’ he joked.  
  
If Andrew’s body suddenly tensed, his eyes focusing intently on Neil, Neil tried his best not to see it.  
  
\--  
  
‘So,’ Matt asked him casually, ‘How’s everything going with Andrew?’  
  
They were in the middle of watching a movie, lounging on the couch in Matt’s apartment—well, Aaron’s apartment too, but he wasn’t here at the moment and Neil was secretly happy for it.  
  
The question was unexpected.  
  
‘I didn’t know there was something going with Andrew.’  
  
Matt avoided his eyes now, looking slightly uncomfortable, so Neil turned his gaze towards the T.V. again, but apparently Matt wasn’t done yet. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘I know it’s weird to talk about it with the others, because it’s Andrew, but…’ he trailed off, searching for the right word. ‘I understand if you, I dunno, want to talk about it with someone. And I just wanted to let you know, that you can. Talk to me. Yeah.’  
  
Now Neil was feeling uncomfortable.  
  
He was puzzled and touched at the same time by Matt’s offer.  
Though it shouldn’t have confused him, because his memories so far had only shown him that Matt had always had his back. Had always tried to protect and defend him, even from Andrew.  
  
But Matt was right, talking about Andrew with Matt felt too weird.  
  
‘Thank you,’ Neil said, voice a little thick. ‘But everything’s okay.’  
  
‘Oh yeah, I wasn’t worried or anything,’ Matt quickly said. ‘I know Andrew’s good for you.’  
  
_What?_

Neil’s confusion must’ve shown on his face, because Matt laughed before explaining, ‘Neil, that guy will defend you with his life.’ Then Matt’s face darkened a little. He added quietly, ‘I’ve never seen someone in so much panic after you were gone.’  
  
Oh.  
  
‘He missed me?’ Neil asked, surprised.  
  
‘You could say that. His rage when he found out you were gone, that we’d let you out of our sight again was a terrifying thing to be honest. Though I think he was mostly just furious at himself.’  
  
Breath stuck in his throat, Neil felt his heart clench.  
  
Voice unsteady, from emotion, shock, maybe something in between, Neil asked, ‘Again?’  
  
‘Wait, that memory didn’t return yet?’ Matt seemed to hesitate. ‘I don’t know, I’m not sure telling you will really help.’  
  
But now Neil was _very_ curious, and he tried his best to look pleading and mentally stable. When Matt took one look at him, he actually winced like he was in pain.

‘Oh man, I’m weak,’ he muttered, then took a deep breath. ‘It was after our game against the Bearcats. After we won the game, the fans, they were rioting, throwing things at us and we had to get into the bus quickly, you know? Because it was dangerous, and everything was chaos, but then we noticed, Andrew noticed, that you were gone. And.’Swallowing, Matt looked away for a second. ‘Man, I was _so_ scared Neil. My heart was racing, honestly. But I guess that was nothing compared to what Andrew was feeling. He looked ready to burn the world down, like, I don’t know, like he wanted to tear the stadium down bench by bench.’  
  
Neil shivered.  
  
‘If I didn’t know better, I’d almost say it was _fear_ ,’ Matt said.  
  
And Neil believed him.  
Oh, man.  
What had he said to Andrew?  
That he needed to _prove_ to Neil that he could be trusted.  
Neil felt nearly sick.  
  
He stood up.  
  
‘I need to go.'  
  
Matt looked up, and didn’t even mention the movie still playing in the background. He just nodded as Neil left him alone on their movie night.  
  
Neil was almost out the door when Matt called out, ‘Don’t forget, if you want to talk, I’m here!’  
  
If he was still here in a week, Neil would definitely start confiding more in Matt.  
  
Turning his head, he smiled at Matt.  
‘I won’t forget,’ he said, which considering the situation, felt like an absurd promise.  
  
\--  
  
Andrew was nowhere to be found.  
And no one was around to ask where he was.  
  
Eventually, Neil went to bed and fell into an uneasy, restless sleep.

His dreams were flashes of memories, of feelings, of touching.   
Of Andrew.  
Neil felt his body _hurting_ , hurting everywhere but somehow that didn’t bother him, he didn’t even focus on it, because all of his attention was focused on a silent Andrew in front of him, who helped him into the shower, who gently washed his hair because he couldn’t do it himself, whose hands lingered on his skin as he cleaned every broken, wrecked and ruined bit of Neil.  
And then they were kissing, and Neil was placing kisses on Andrew’s neck, who shivered in response, and Andrew’s hands were lingering lower and lower on his body and suddenly he was being pushed back against the wall and Andrew sank to his knees—  
  
With a gasp, Neil woke up.  
  
His skin felt hot.  
His cheeks were hot.  
Andrew was hot.  
  
Groaning at his hard-on, Neil pulled the blankets over his head and tried to ignore it.  
  
He couldn’t.  
  
Neil looked over at Kevin’s bed.  
Saw that it was empty.  
What?

‘Where’s Kevin?’ he asked the darkness, and immediately felt stupid. Andrew hadn’t been anywhere in sight when he went to sleep.  
  
Except Andrew answered, ‘The fuck, Neil.’  
  
Neil flushed, because shit, Andrew had been sleeping beneath him while he had a dream about Andrew going down on him. But what if it wasn’t a dream, but a _memory_ meaning that it had actually happened, Andrew’s mouth had been on hi—Neil slapped himself.  
  
‘What are you doing.’  
  
‘Memories,’ Neil groaned.  
  
‘You should’ve told me sooner that punching you works.’  
  
Trying to force his thoughts in other directions, away from kissing Andrew, Neil asked, ‘Why are you awake?’  
  
‘You were groaning,’ Andrew answered.  
  
Well.  
Flushing hard, Neil groaned again. So much for his effort of not thinking about it.  
Maybe he should have a cold shower, or drink some water, try to calm down.  
Or could—  
Could he—  
  
‘Andrew,’ Neil asked, and his voice sounded rather hoarse, so he cleared it before continuing, ‘What would you do, if I kissed your neck?’  
  
Silence.  
  
Neil fidgeted.  
  
After what seemed like a decade, Andrew said, ‘That would be impossible when you're up there.’  
  
Neil’s heart shot up his throat so fast, he almost choked himself with his nerves.  
But he was climbing out of his bed, and then, hesitating, stood in front of Andrew’s bed.  
  
Andrew had propped himself up on his elbow and was staring Neil down.  
  
‘Why?’ Andrew asked.  
  
Neil immediately responded. ‘I want to.’  
  
For a moment longer, Andrew looked at him, and then he pulled back the covers and said, ‘You’re allowed to.’  
  
Neil climbed into the bed and lay on his side, but Andrew had other plans. He pushed Neil on his back, and leaned over him.  
  
The space between their lips was eliminated rather mercilessly.  
  
Grabbing Andrew’s hair, Neil closed his eyes and lost himself in the kiss, in the heat.  
It was a heady kiss, full of tension and wanting, and Neil quickly wanted more. He opened his mouth slightly, and Andrew’s tongue immediately sought out his.  
  
Neil thought he could happily kiss Andrew for the rest of the night.  
His heart agreed.  
  
When Andrew reluctantly leaned back to breathe, Neil took the opportunity to tilt Andrew’s face to the side and place a soft kiss on his neck.  
Immediately, goosebumps appeared on Andrew’s skin.  
  
It was exciting.  
  
Placing lots of soft kisses on Andrew’s neck, Neil heard the moment Andrew lost control a little.  
  
The quiet groan was the hottest thing Neil had ever heard.  
  
He wanted to hear more, wanted to hear everything, so he shyly licked his way up Andrew’s neck. Andrew shivered, groaning again, and while it was arousing and sexy, Neil also got the sudden and very strong feeling that it was so _right_ to be doing this with Andrew.  
It only confirmed his feelings.  
His feelings for Andrew that were definitely.  
Most definitely.  
Intense.  
  
Andrew tensed all of a sudden, then jerked back.  
  
Neil looked up in confusion.  
His stomach did a little flip when he saw how disheveled and affected Andrew looked.  
  
Except Andrew started to pull back in the other sense.  
Shutting off.  
  
A little breathless, Neil asked, ‘Andrew?’  
  
Andrew sat up and raked a hand through his hair.   
Neil had never seen Andrew do this before. He worried he’d done something wrong. Did he go too fast, had he misinterpreted Andrew’s ‘ _you’re allowed to_ ’ for consent while it wasn’t?  
  
‘Andrew?’ he asked again.  
  
‘It means nothing,’ Andrew said blankly.  
  
And it took Neil completely by surprise how much that comment hurt.  
  
Neil gazed in shock at Andrew.  
  
_What?_  
  
But Andrew wasn’t looking at Neil anymore. He was physically pulling away now, out of bed and towards the window, picking up a cigarette from the pack lying on the sill.  
  
How  
How could Andrew  
Just  
  
And why did it hurt?

It was finally a question Neil could answer.

Because.  
Because Neil didn’t feel that way.  
It actually, really, meant something to him.  
This.  
Whatever this was...  
It wasn’t nothing.  
  
But maybe his memories had been wrong.  
Maybe Matt had been wrong.  
  
Neil stood up.  
  
‘Everything means nothing to you,’ he said bitterly.  
  
Andrew didn’t really look at him as he grabbed a jacket, put the cigarettes in his pocket and walked towards the door.  
  
Andrew’s voice sounded detached as he said, ‘It’s the other way around.’  
  
Then he was gone.  
  
-/-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuhh yeh that happened
> 
> next time: neil didn't want this memory to return
> 
> I'm sorry about this chapter guys! I would still love to read your thoughts <3 and I hope you did enjoy it :) 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> Wow, and now it's even raining. Yeah great summer weather right here.  
> Let's stop talking about the weather.
> 
> For this chapter, I listened to ' Goner - Twenty One Pilots ' on repeat, because it honestly PERFECTLY matches the feel of this chapter. So I would recommend you listen it beforehand, during or after :)  
> "I wanna be known by you"  
> and  
> "though I'm weak  
> and beaten down  
> I'll slip away"
> 
> Okay yeah almost every lyrics somehow matches Andrew. UGH my heart. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Neil sat down on Andrew’s bed.  
  
Rested his head in his hands.  
  
_It means nothing._  
  
-/-  
  
Obviously, Nicky noticed something was wrong.  
  
So Neil pushed himself to run a little faster, and managed to avoid his questions.  
He was out of breath after four sprints across the court.  
  
Matt caught up with him. ‘Hey, Neil, maybe calm down?’  
  
‘Sure, I need to calm down,’ Neil said angrily.  
  
Matt looked at him funnily, but Neil ignored it and pushed himself to go for another run.  
  
Unfortunately, he was running in the direction of Andrew’s goal.  
Gritting his teeth, Neil ignored it and forced his legs to go _faster_.  
  
During the rest of practice, he felt the consequences as his legs were tired, and he was slower than usual. But he didn’t care, still pushing himself as far as he could go.  
Everyone tried to match his brutal pace, Kevin managing the easiest of them all. He kept shooting worried glances at Neil though, and yes _fuck_ , Neil wasn’t going to fuck up his legs.  
  
Everyone, except of course Andrew.  
  
Andrew was doing jackshit in his goal.  
  
And Neil was getting sick of it.  
  
When another ball got past Andrew, Neil shouted angrily, ‘Try and be useful, Andrew.’  
  
Andrew didn’t respond.  
  
And a few minutes later, another ball passed by an uncaring Andrew.  
Why did he just stand there?  
Why didn’t he do anything?  
Why didn’t Andrew _care?_  
  
Balling his fists, Neil stalked to the goal.  
  
‘You could at least _move_ ,’ he snapped.  
  
Andrew didn’t look at him as he said, ‘I don’t care about Exy.’  
  
‘No,’ Neil said through gritted teeth, ‘I got that.’  
  
Andrew fucking shrugged.  
  
Seething from anger now, Neil didn’t notice that he was lifting his racquet until Andrew’s eyes slid to him, and Andrew blankly said, ‘You sure you want your racquet ruined again?’  
  
What was Andrew talking abo—  
  
The memory was _painful_ , in the way it teared itself through Neil’s head, leaving everything burning in its wake.   
Neil didn’t want this memory to return, but it was appearing before his eyes anyway.  
  
He saw Aaron swing his racquet, heard the bloody crunch.  
And on the bed wa _—_  
Andrew.  
“ _Jesus fuck—"_  
_Andrew._  
His fingers were ghostly white and bloodless  
there was too much blood  
covered in blood and a hundred shadows that would darken to terrible bruises  
Neil wanted to cover his ears and block it out  
Andrew holding onto the headboard like his hands were glued to it  
tried to push himself upright  
“ _Oh, oh, that’s unpleasant. I am not a fan of this at all.”_  
his voice emotionless but Neil could feel Andrew trembling through the sheets  
  
Neil’s mind was burning, hurting, and his breath was coming in short gasps.  
  
He stared wide-eyed at Andrew.

Repulsed by himself, he dropped his racquet on the court, and took a few stumbling steps back.  
Shock.  
Repulsion.  
Shock.  
Terror.  
_shock_  
  
Andrew’s eyes narrowed.  
  
The rest of the team had finally reached them, but they were keeping their distance as they saw the expression on Neil's face.  
  
‘Neil?’ Nicky asked quietly.  
  
At the sound of his name, Neil turned to look at Aaron.  
  
‘Oh, fuck no,’ Andrew said.  
  
Aaron cocked his head as he observed Neil’s facial expression. Then he said, ‘You’re looking at the wrong twin, Neil.’  
  
The memory.  
It wouldn’t leave his thoughts.  
  
Neil turned and looked at his racquet again.  
But all he saw was Andrew’s death grip on the headboard.  
The bruises.  
Andrew’s laugh.  
  
‘No.’ Andrew stated.  
  
Neil lifted his head.  
  
‘No.’ Andrew said again.  
  
But _—_  
How could he  
accept

‘Me,’ Neil finished his thought.  
  
_The scars_  
on Andrew’s arm  
  
Andrew sighed. ‘You keep asking questions.’  
  
Staring at Andrew’s face, Neil tried to look for resentment, repulsion, rejection, but what he saw was  
  
_nothing_  
  
‘Nothing,’ he muttered, eyes dropping to the floor.  
  
No one said anything for a while.  
  
Until Kevin broke the silence.   
  
‘Can we play Exy now?’  
  
That seemed to startle all the foxes into moving, and they all jogged back to their positions.  
  
Neil didn’t want to pick up his racquet, but he had to.  
Without looking at Andrew, he walked closer and reluctantly picked it up. Then he turned and walked away.  
  
‘Neil,’ Andrew said. ‘I told you. And I don’t like to repeat myself.’  
  
‘Right,’ Neil said, without turning back.  
  
Except he didn’t understand what Andrew meant.  
  
-/-  
  
It had probably happened some time ago.  
But the full force of what it meant, the memory, weighed down on Neil, and his heart hurt, and his head hurt, and he didn’t want to move.  
  
He had quickly pulled on his clothes after practice and then, on exhausted legs, he’d ran back to the Tower.  
  
In the apartment, he had thrown his bag on the bed and he pulled off all his clothes again.  
Had stepped under the shower.  
And didn’t want to move anymore.  
  
Andrew’s face, the dried blood on his cheek and chin from the gash on his head, the bruises.  
  
Neil sighed and leaned his head against the cool tiles.  
  
The bathroom door opened.  
Neil tensed when he heard the shower curtain rustle, as someone stepped into the shower with him.  
  
Quietly, Andrew leaned his forehead against Neil’s shoulder.  
  
And there was only  
the sound of the water falling down,  
Andrew’s wet hair clinging to Neil’s skin,  
and the small puffs of air, Andrew’s breath tickling.  
  
Neil wanted to cry.  
  
Frustrated, but mostly so, so angry with himself, he balled his hands into fists, and put enough force behind his punch that the skin on one of his knuckles cracked when it hit the tiles.  
  
Immediately Andrew’s hand gripped his wrist, and dragged it down.  
  
Neil let it fall.  
  
Felt the blood drip down his hand.  
Felt Andrew reach out, and interlace their fingers.  
  
They stood like that for a long time.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is a bit short... The next two chapters, the last two even *gasp, will be MUCH longer.  
> But this needed to happen.  
> I didn't want to cram it in between other scenes.  
> It needed to stand on its own.
> 
> next time; Not that Neil minded. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading <3 ! I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> woah this weekend is suddenly super crazy busy, sorry for later than usual update! 
> 
> But....,,,  
> enjoyyy :))

Neil took care to wake up extra early.  
Walked as quietly as possible,  
so when Andrew woke up and wandered into the kitchen, Neil had his mug filled with freshly made coffee.  
  
Seeing Neil with his mug in his hands made Andrew stop in his tracks.  
  
‘Stealing my mug?’   
  
Neil shook his head. ‘I made coffee for you.’  
  
Andrew looked at the mug for a few seconds before taking it from Neil and taking a few sips of coffee.  
  
He looked at Neil again and asked, ‘What do you want?’  
  
Nothing had originally been the plan, but Neil found that he actually wanted something.  
  
‘A kiss.’  
  
Andrew put the mug down. ‘Okay.’  
  
But Neil didn’t move. ‘Can I touch you?’ he asked quietly.  
  
Not taking his eyes off of Neil, Andrew replied, ‘Yes.’  
  
Reaching out, Neil closed his hand around Andrew’s wrist and gently pulled him closer.  
Andrew let him.  
  
They were nearly nose to nose.  
Andrew’s eyes were still focused on his, watching Neil’s every move.

Neil let go of Andrew’s wrist, and very slowly leaned forward to kiss Andrew.  
  
The kiss tasted like coffee.  
  
Chasing the taste, Neil licked Andrew’s bottom lip, and to his surprise Andrew opened his mouth to let him in.  
Neil shyly explored Andrew’s mouth, their tongues intertwining.  
  
Neil found he was having a hard time keeping his hands to himself,  
so he clasped them firmly together behind his back.  
  
He was not going to touch Andrew without permission.  
  
But then Andrew actually reached out and grabbed one of Neil’s hands, putting it on his shoulder.  
Permission.  
  
As Andrew deepened their kiss, Neil brought his other arm up too, and a groan slipped from his mouth.  
  
Hot excitement and arousal flowed through his body.  
  
This was dangerous.  
He didn’t want to go too fast.  
He didn’t want to do anything Andrew might not want.  
  
But then Andrew pushed him back against the kitchen counter, bracing himself on either side of Neil, and Neil felt his back bend under the intensity of their kissing.  
  
But.  
Shouldn’t he tell Andrew that they didn’t need to d _—_ Andrew slid his hand in Neil’s pants.  
  
_Okay_ fuck.  
Maybe Andrew did want something  
  
Not that Neil minded.  
Not at all.  
  
He subconsciously shifted his hips upwards, trying to guide Andrew’s hand closer to where he wanted it to be, except Andrew stopped moving his hand and pulled back a little. ‘Yes or no?’ he asked, voice rough.  
  
The word no never even crossed Neil’s mind.  
  
‘Yes,’ he groaned.

Andrew’s gaze was heavy as he palmed Neil through his boxers.  
  
which was too much and not enough  
  
Neil wanted to be closer, so he leaned forward and started kissing the sensitive skin of Andrew’s neck.  
He felt Andrew shiver in response, his grip on Neil tightening.  
  
Oh, that was definitely a good response.  
  
Neil moaned against Andrew’s skin. And it was as if his moan had flipped a switch, because Andrew pulled back and quickly pushed Neil’s sweats and boxers down.  
As if he couldn’t wait a moment longer to get his hands on Neil.  
  
Then Andrew gripped him firmly,  
started moving his hand steadily up and down.  
  
Neil’s productive thoughts stuttered to a stop.

Shit.  
That felt _really_ good.

Leaning his head on Andrew’s shoulder, Neil bit his lip to keep himself from moaning, but little sparks of pleasure were wracking his body and he gasped, gripping Andrew’s arm tightly in response.  
The arm that was jerking him off,  _fuck._  
  
Andrew twisted his wrist at the head, and Neil’s hips bucked forward, so Andrew moved his hand a little faster, and the thought that  
Andrew was getting Neil off in the kitchen  
aroused Neil so much that he had to bite his lip _hard_ to keep quiet.  
  
_Fuck, what if Kevin walked in._  
  
Neil’s hand tightened on Andrew’s arm, breathing heavily. He should probably care about their location, but his thoughts were preoccupied with repeating themselves.  
  
_So good, it felt so good.  
  
_ The tension built, his stomach clenching and he was going to come, fuck he was going to come from Andrew jerking him off.  
  
Moans were spilling freely from Neil’s lips, hips shifting forward, fucking himself into Andrew’s fist, and it was too much _—_  
Andrew captured his lips in a searing kiss, swallowing Neil’s moans as he came hard.  
  
That...  
  
Shuddering, Neil tried to catch his breath.  
  
That had been amazing.  
  
The words almost triggered a memory. Neil felt the pain lingering at the back of his mind, but he didn’t have the energy to deal with it right now, so he ignored it.  
  
He lifted his head and saw Andrew looking at his hand for a second before wiping it off on Neil’s sweatpants.  
  
‘Ugh,’ Neil said in response, but it didn’t sound really genuine as he was still boneless and satisfied and just.  
  
Their gazes met.  
Andrew’s eyes were dark, his pupils large, and the way he looked at Neil made him shiver again.  
In all honesty, he could probably watch Andrew for forever.  
  
He forced his gaze away from Andrew’s face, and looked down.  
Andrew’s arousal was _very_ evident in his black sweatpants.  
  
Neil swallowed.  
He had caused it.  
Andrew was hard because of him.  
  
_Fuck_ , Neil was so interested.  
  
When he looked up again, Andrew was still watching him.  
  
Holding his gaze, Neil slowly reached out his hand.  
It didn’t seem like Andrew was breathing.  
  
Neil’s fingers brushed the soft fabric first.  
Then, still moving as slowly as possible, he slid his fingers upwards and pressed his hand lightly against Andrew’s erection.  
  
Andrew’s body tensed.  
  
Neil didn’t dare blink, afraid that if he broke their eye contact, he would miss a signal or sign that Andrew didn’t want this.  
  
His fingers slowly curled until he was, very carefully, gripping Andrew through the fabric.  
  
Andrew didn’t move.  
  
But nothing about him told Neil he didn’t want this.  
But.  
That wasn’t consent, was it?  
  
‘Still yes?’ he asked quietly.  
  
Andrew seemed to be having a hard time speaking, but eventually he forced out, ‘Yes.’  
  
Neil nodded.  
And pressed his hand a little firmer against Andrew’s erection.  
  
He was worried about Andrew’s lack of breathing, but it was a yes, and Neil desperately wanted to touch Andrew, so he slowly started rubbing his hand up and down, creating friction.  
  
Finally, Andrew reacted.  
Let out a shaky breath.  
Then immediately locked down again.  
  
Neil wondered if Andrew was scared of this because of his past,  
or because he still thought it meant nothing to Neil.  
  
Neil wanted to clear up that misunderstanding, but he didn’t know how, because he didn’t have all his memories.  
But.  
Did he need them to be sure of his feelings?  
No.  
Did he need them to make sure that Andrew knew that whatever this thing between them was, it was _something_ to Neil?  
  
Probably  
not.  
  
He moved his hand a little faster.  
Another shaky exhale.  
  
Neil felt Andrew tremble beneath his hand.

Seeing Andrew’s reactions, however small they were, made Neil’s heart pound and his blood rush down.  
It was arousing.  
  
His voice was rough as he asked, ‘Can I kiss your neck?’  
  
Andrew looked at him, jaw clenching, and nodded.  
  
Neil grinned. ‘Is that a yes?’  
  
Andrew’s gaze turned a little murderous, which Neil thought was impressive seeing how hard Andrew was in his hand, but to his amazement Andrew actually ground out, ‘Yes.’  
  
Neil leaned in, careful not to touch Andrew anywhere else except where he was allowed, and placed a kiss on his neck.  
  
A shudder wracked Andrew’s frame, and Neil suddenly remembered his dream.  
  
He placed a hot kiss beneath Andrew’s ear before whispering, ‘Your neck fetish is very attractive.’  
  
Andrew growled in response, though it sounded vaguely like a moan, and Neil gripped Andrew firmer in response.  
Andrew’s hips twitched.  
  
‘I don’t like that you like it,’ Andrew said tightly.  
  
Neil smiled. He continued placing kisses on Andrew’s neck, jerking him off as best as he could through the fabric, until Andrew went completely still and Neil felt something wet beneath his hand.  
  
Andrew immediately pulled away to walk to the bathroom.  
  
Disappointed that he couldn’t kiss Andrew now, Neil turned to wash his hand in the sink.  
  
The smile on his face wouldn’t go away.  
  
They had kissed, and he had been allowed to touch Andrew, had been allowed to see Andrew lose control a little.  
Neil knew how much that must’ve cost Andrew.  
  
He was startled out of his lazy, happy thoughts by Kevin’s voice.  
  
‘Is it over?’  
  
‘What?’ Neil turned around.  
  
Kevin peered through a crack in the door. He looked a little irritated.  
  
Until Andrew returned from the bathroom and pushed past him to get into the bedroom.  
  
‘Ugh.’ Kevin wrinkled his nose. ‘You smell like jizz. Don’t tell me you had sex in the kitchen.’  
  
‘I wasn’t sure you even knew what sex was, Kevin,’  Neil said in mock surprise.  
  
Kevin glared at him.  
  
Andrew emerged from the bedroom in a new pair of pants and walked up to Neil again.  
Neil half hoped Andrew would kiss him, Kevin be damned, but at the last moment Andrew reached past Neil and picked up his mug.  
  
‘I see where your priorities lie,’ Neil muttered.  
  
Andrew shrugged, but as he walked past Neil, he brushed his fingers briefly against Neil’s arm and Neil felt something warm swirl in his stomach.  
  
‘I should text Nicky,’ Kevin threatened.  
  
‘Then Andrew won’t train this week,’ Neil threatened back.  
  
‘I will,’ Andrew said.  
  
‘Fine,’ Neil changed his threat. ‘Then I won’t train this week.’  
  
Kevin narrowed his eyes.  
Neil glared back.  
  
‘That’s assuming you have other hobbies besides Exy,’ Andrew commented.  
  
Kevin looked triumphantly at Neil, who tried his best to think of any other hobbies. But indeed, he couldn’t think of any that he actually enjoyed.  
  
Neil sighed in annoyance. ‘I don’t know why my memory loves you so much,’  he said bitterly to Andrew.  
  
Who tensed.  
Eyes going wide.  
Coffee mug frozen in the air.  
  
Realization dawned on Neil.  
He looked back in shock at Kevin, who slowly shuffled backwards then closed the bedroom door.  
  
What  
should he do now?  
  
Hesitatingly, Neil turned his head, and looked at Andrew.  
  
He had no idea what to say, because he didn’t want to take it back.  
Because it was the truth, especially when he was reliving his memories. The feelings he experienced then were intense, and nearly all consuming.  
Like how he felt for Exy.  
But it wasn’t just past-Neil who felt something intense.  
  
After a minute of tense silence, where neither of them spoke, Andrew finally moved again, taking a casual sip of his coffee.  
His eyes were emotionless once more.  
  
Well, at least.  
At least Neil had sort of made his feelings clear?  
  
Neil winced, and made a cup of coffee for himself.  
  
They both pretended Neil hadn’t said anything.  
  
\--  
  
But things had changed.  
  
When Andrew was lying on one of the bean bags, reading a book, and Neil sat down on the other chair, Andrew had actually casually rested one of his legs on Neil’s lap.  
  
Though he probably regretted it when he saw Neil’s resulting smile.  
  
‘Let’s watch a movie,’ Neil had said then, still smiling.  
  
Andrew had glared at him over the top of his book.  
But he’d closed it and said, ‘Okay.’  
  
\--

But things had changed.  
  
Because when Neil had some trouble with his homework, had anxiously clicked his pen for a good minute, Andrew had tapped his wrist, catching Neil’s attention.  
  
Andrew had looked at him, had listened while Neil complained, and then had actually driven him to the court so Neil could release some of his frustration.  
  
Andrew had even agreed to stand in the goal for him.  
  
\--  
  
But things had changed.  
  
Because when Neil had been talking with Nicky, or well, Nicky had talked to him about his plans for the future _—_ about how he would move to Germany, move in with Erik and buy a gorgeous house, so Neil should definitely come and visit, Andrew had replied, ‘We won’t.’  
  
Okay, granted, Andrew himself had looked a little offended at the words.  
  
But the way Neil’s stomach _flipped_ , the way a huge grin forced its way on his face, the way small memories from living with Andrew had returned, made Neil sure about one thing.  
  
Something small, but extremely important, had changed.  
  
\--  
  
The door closed.  
  
It woke Neil up rather abruptly, and, heart racing, he immediately reached for the gun beneath his pillo _—_  
Keys.  
  
Neil gripped the keys in his palm and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.  
  
‘Neil,’ Andrew said quietly from below. ‘Come down.’  
  
Confused as to why, Neil put the keys back and climbed down the ladder.   
He waited in front of Andrew’s bed again, but Andrew had already scooted back, making room for Neil in his bed.  
  
‘Is that okay?’ Neil asked.  
  
Andrew nodded. ‘Yes.’  
  
So Neil laid down under the covers, and sighed as Andrew moved a little closer.  
  
Andrew looked at him questioningly, silently asking him if his sigh was because he’d moved closer,   
but Neil shook his head and held out his hand.  
  
Now Andrew sighed.  
Still, he placed his hand in Neil’s.  
  
Neil felt himself smile.  
  
He tried his best to look at Andrew as long as possible,   
even as Andrew’s eyes closed again, slowly falling asleep.  
  
He tried his best to memorize as much of Andrew’s face as he could.  
  
But Neil, too, fell asleep, still holding Andrew’s hand.  
  
\--  
  
When he opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was Andrew looking at him, the hint of a smile on his lips.  
  
Neil drowsily said, ‘You’re smiling.’  
  
‘Sounds like a nice dream you’re having,’ Andrew responded, but the corners of his lips remained curved upwards.  
  
Neil hummed. ‘It would be even better if you kissed me.'  
  
‘Thank god it’s a dream then,’ Andrew said, before touching Neil’s lips with his own.

Neil lazily kissed back, slowly waking up a little more.  
The kisses were soft, and slow, and perfect.  
A warm feeling spread through his body, and he made a happy noise in the back of throat.  
  
‘You know what would make it an even better dream?’ Neil whispered against Andrew’s lips.  
  
But Andrew didn’t respond. Instead, he placed more soft, small kisses on Neil’s mouth, before kissing his way up over his chin, cheek, and finally kissing the burn marks on Neil’s face.  
  
‘If I had pancakes for breakfast,’ Neil sighed belatedly, finishing his thought.   
  
The light but warm touches on his cheekbone were making him drowsy again.  
  
Andrew snorted. ‘I see where your priorities lie,’ he repeated Neil’s complaint from a few days ago, but then got up anyway.  
  
‘I’ll help in a minute,’ Neil promised in a sleepy voice.  
  
The sounds of pans clanking, the door of the fridge opening, and the stove burning sounded suddenly so familiar to Neil that he wondered if this was a frequent occurrence.  
He hoped it was.  
  
‘I can tell when you’re lying,’ Andrew said.  
  
Neil mumbled something as he fell asleep again.  
  
When he opened his eyes, Andrew was dangling a pancake in front of his face.  
  
Neil startled. ‘What the hell?’  
  
‘You wanted pancakes for breakfast,’ Andrew explained.  
  
‘On a plate!’  
  
‘You should’ve said.’  
  
Fully awake now, Neil stared in disbelief at Andrew, though his view was half obscured by a pancake.  
The half of Andrew that wasn't blocked by a pancake was looking straight back at him.  
  
And Neil started laughing.  
He held a hand in front of his mouth, because Andrew was frowning now, but still. Neil laughed harder than he had in a long time.  
  
‘I’ll drop this on your face,’  Andrew threatened.  
  
‘Oh, sexy. Will you eat it off my body then?’ Neil giggled.  
  
Andrew mercilessly dropped the pancake on his face, then walked away to eat his own pancake. From a plate.  
  
The sounds of Neil’s spluttered indignation made the corners of Andrew’s lips curve upward again.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaah just one more chapter to go
> 
> next time; because others didn't forget.
> 
> I can understand if you're uncomfortable with commenting on such a chapter, so you don't have too, but I would of course love to know what you think! (because boyy these scenes are still difficult to write)  
> Thanks so much for reading!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *incoherent screaming
> 
> Hello lovely people! 
> 
> Well, here it is. The final chapter. And it's a long one. 
> 
> Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

The next couple of days were so relaxed, so _normal_ , that Neil forgot how dangerous it was to stay in the same place for so long.  
Forgot how dangerous it was to forget.  
  
Because others didn’t forget.  
  
**I think it’s time for another lesson, Nathaniel.  
  
** It was there. On his desk. In class.  
The irony wasn’t lost on Neil.  
  
Forcing himself to not run away, Neil picked up the piece of paper with shaking fingers and put it in his bag. Taking a deep breath, that very nearly triggered hyperventilation, Neil sat down on his chair.  
Picked up his pen.  
Forced himself to take notes during class.  
  
If any of his classmates had talked to him, Neil hadn’t heard anything.  
  
When the bell rang, it sounded far away. Neil forced himself to casually swing his backpack over his shoulder.  
People were pushing past him out of the classroom, their faces fading.  
They were just names.  
Just like him.  
  
Just a name.  
  
Neil’s feet took one step after the other.  
It was like walking underwater.  
Eyes unseeingly staring in front of him, Neil walked the normal route back to the Tower. His shaking fingers gripped his backpack tightly.  
  
There was a black car parked near a small shop on the way to the Tower.  
  
Still somehow walking, Neil managed to get past it.  
  
Behind him, the car door opened, then closed.  
Another pair of feet, following the same route as Neil.  
What a coincidence.  
  
Neil’s breath stuttered, coming in quick gasps, but still Neil forced himself to walk slowly, normally, casually, because he was just returning from school, going home to the Tower where he would try to study before pestering Andrew into watching a movie with him, until Kevin wanted to train at midnight.  
He would go to sleep way too late for someone who had an early class the next day.  
He'd probably wake up from a nightmare, but Andrew would be there.  
And he would live to see the next day. Because it had just been a nightmare.  
  
His feet brought him to the entrance of the Tower and, with shaking hands, Neil grabbed his keys from his pocket.  
  
A gun pushed against his back.  
  
Neil managed to open the door and walked upstairs, mind racing, heart pounding.  
_what should he do what should he do what should he do_  
  
He didn’t want to lead the man to the others.  
This was between them.  
Only that wasn’t true, was it?  
  
_Remember that Andrew did this._

The man had dragged Andrew into this.  
Neil would do whatever it took to keep this man away from Andrew.  
  
They were in the elevator now, and Neil could finally see the man in the mirror in front of him.  
  
Dark slanted eyes, sleek black hair.  
It matched his memory.  
This was the guy who had cracked his head.  
Who was currently pushing a gun in Neil’s back.  
  
Neil gritted his teeth. ‘What floor?’   
  
‘Let’s go to the roof, shall we?’ The man’s silky voice gave Neil a headache.  
  
The lift soared up and Neil watched the numbers rise. His heart clenched as they passed the Foxes’ floor.  
_Fuck_.  
He hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye.  
  
Andrew was probably still in his late afternoon class.  
  
It was with difficulty that Neil forced his thoughts away from all that was,  
and focused on the now.  
  
The elevator signaled that they’d reached the top floor. Giving Neil a little push with the gun, the guy followed behind as Neil walked up the stairs towards the roof.  
  
‘What do you want?’ Neil asked, sounding surprisingly calm.  
  
‘Let’s get to the roof first.’  
  
Fuck, he hated this guy’s voice.  
  
The door to the roof came into view and Neil suddenly realized, ‘I don’t have a key for this door.’  
  
But the stranger pushed him forward. Neil stumbled, his head nearly colliding with the door.  
  
‘There’s no need. See?’ The guy gripped Neil’s hair painfully, and pushed it in front of the handle, bending Neil’s back uncomfortably. ‘The lock’s broken. I wonder who did that, hm?’  
  
Something nagged at the back of Neil’s mind.  
Something about these stairs, something about the lock, something about the _—_

Roof.  
  
Kicking the door open, the guy dragged Neil onto the roof by his hair, then threw him to the ground.  
Neil managed to hold his hands in front of him in time to avoid hitting his head.  
  
He immediately pushed himself up, and looked around. He’d never been on the roof before _—_  
Lie.  
lie lie lie lie  
His mind was yelling, and _hurting_ , a piercing pain that caused his vision to blur.  
  
This was not going well.  
  
The guy was pointing his gun at Neil.  
  
‘Let’s walk to the ledge.’ He waved his gun to usher Neil to start walking.  
  
Shit, Neil's head was hurting so much. Dark splotches were blurring his vision.  
  
Neil took a few steps forward, to their ledge,  
wait _—_ their ledge?  
The ledge, what was so important about it?  
  
‘What do you want?’ he asked again. His voice sounded rough. Probably from the pain.  
  
‘It’s actually quite simple. Please don’t take any offence, dear Nathaniel.’  
  
Neil stopped a few inches in front of the ledge and made to turn around, but the gun pushed against the back of his head now.  
  
The guy tutted in disapproval. ‘No, no. I want you closer to the ledge. Or are you afraid of heights, Nathaniel?’

No, no, no, because _—_  
Heights didn’t make him squeamish, but the lack of a safety rail was unnerving when it was a four-storey drop.  
but  
‘ _What are you afraid of?’_ Neil asked Andrew,   
and Andrew had said, ‘ _Heights._ ’  
  
Neil groaned and grasped his head, the pain worsening into a sharp piercing sensation, nearly blinding him.  
  
But the memories didn’t stop.  
  
He’d come here after Evermore.  
 _Evermore._  
The memories of his time in Evermore, being held down on the bed, someone slicing _—_ slicing his skin, burning him, but he’d gone to Evermore willingly he’d _—_  
‘ _You chose to go to Evermore._ ’ Andrew’s voice. ‘ _Why did you go?_ ’  
And _—_ it rushed back to Neil why he’d gone, why he’d willingly let himself be tortured and abused and _—_  
Andrew had clapped a hand over his mouth, smothering the rest of his words.   
But Neil had said, ‘ _You spend all this time watching our backs. Who’s watching yours? Don’t say you are, because you and I both know you take shit care of yourself.’  
_ Andrew had pointed to his lips. ‘ _Can you read lips? The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?’  
_ Neil’s feelings, they were so intense, so warm and new and scary, and he’d said,   
‘ _If it means losing you, then no.’_  
  
Neil gasped, trying to get some oxygen into his body, but it was like someone was choking him, like someone was stabbing a knife repeatedly inside his brain _—_ he couldn’t breathe fuck.  
  
But the memories kept coming.  
  
Again, they were on the roof.  
‘ _When you said you were afraid of heights, you were joking right?’_ Neil waited for Andrew to answer, but there wasn’t one. _‘Andrew, you can’t be. What were you doing on the roof?_ ’  
And Andrew had felt for his own pulse, and said, ‘ _Feeling._ ’  
  
Neil felt tears stream down his face from the pain  
_the pain._  
His head was going to explode  
it hurt it hurt fuck it hurt so much

The next memory was actually recent.  
  
It was their movie night, he was at Matt’s and he'd looked away for a second.  
‘ _Man, I was_ so _scared Neil. But I guess that was nothing compared to what Andrew was feeling, like he wanted to tear the stadium down bench by bench.’  
_ The words had made Neil shiver, and then Matt said  
‘ _If I didn’t know better, I’d almost say it was_ fear. _’  
  
_ Neil doubled over in pain, groaning, sweating.  
When was it going to end,  
fuck let it end.

The threats  
His father  
They were after him  
He shouldn’t let anyone know  
He shouldn’t  
_0_  
They were here  
And he  
Neil was sorry he was going to leave the foxes, and even though he was still with them, he missed them with a ferocity that threatened to turn him inside-out.  
And it had been only Andrew  
Only Andrew had seen the strain in Neil’s happy mask, had walked towards him, had stood in front of him, and had silently demanded what was wrong.  
And Neil wanted to warn him, but  
they were here  
And Neil had said,  
‘ _Thank you.’  
_ And he’d meant it. For all of it.  
the keys  
the trust  
the honesty  
the kisses  
‘ _You were amazing_.’  
  
Neil heaved, his stomach churning, blood dribbling between his fingers, and underneath his nails, clutching and clawing at his head _—_  
  
The guy behind him was silently watching him.  
  
Watched as Neil  
remembered  
 _the keys, the trust, the honesty, the kisses_  
everything.  
  
The stabbing pain in his head slowly subsided, leaving behind a raw soreness.  
  
Taking in a few raspy breaths, Neil blinked away the tears from his eyes.   
He tried to stand up straight, but instead, he stumbled. He saw that the edge of the building was now closer to his feet.  
  
‘Oh, you feel like walking again?’ The guy said, delighted. ‘Let me guess, you got your memories back.’  
  
He gave Neil a little push.  
Still sore, confused, and dizzy, Neil took small, shaking steps forward, desperately trying to think but _—_  
  
What he'd _said_ to Andrew,  
What he'd _done.  
_  
How _—_ how could he _—  
_  
But it was too late, and now Neil could never make up for everything he’d done.  
And the rest, he’d treated them with suspicion, distrust _—_  
unfair,  
this whole situation was so unfair.  
  
‘You know, I shouldn’t have googled how to cause amnesia. The site was probably not very trustworthy. No, I see my mistake now.’ The guy laughed weirdly, and Neil was unsure if he was serious or not, but suddenly the guy gave Neil a hard push.  
  
Struggling to keep himself upright, Neil leaned back, managing to stop himself just at the edge of the building,   
his sneakers balancing on the ledge.  
  
The guy continued talking. ‘You see, Neil, you’re an embarrassment.’  
  
‘That’s nothing new,’ Neil shot back.  
  
The gun against his head pushed his head forward softly.  
Neil tried his best to stand still.  
  
‘Shut up. No, it’s not. And I can’t stand to see my master embarrassed.’  
  
_Ichirou._  
  
Neil understood.  
But, and he didn’t dare to let his relief show, but.  
That meant this wasn’t orchestrated by the Moriyamas after all.  
  
‘But I was stupid, I admit that,’ the guy drawled, ‘I should’ve just killed you.’  
  
It was just this one guy.  
Could Neil take one guy on?  
  
‘And that’s why I’m here now. It was fun to see you jump every time you read one of my messages, but now I'm bored.’  
  
On a good day, yes, Neil could probably overpower him.  
But having all his memories return to him at once had been too much, and Neil was unsteady on his feet.  
  
‘So it’s going to be a fairly pointless, unheroic death I’m afraid. You sadly fell off the roof. They really should’ve put safety rails here. And a working lock. Anyone could come here.’  
  
And it hit Neil.  
  
_Andrew—_

Neil nearly choked on his breath.  
  
This was one of Andrew’s favourite places.  
If he would fall down here, if Neil fell to his death here _—_  
  
_NO._  
  
Using his dizziness, Neil swayed a little on his feet.  
The gun didn’t move with him.  
Space.  
It gave him space.  
  
Neil swayed a little more.  
  
‘You ready to go Neil?’ the guy asked.  
  
That was as good a cue as any.  
  
Neil let himself drop to the floor.  
  
Surprised, the guy took a step back, and Neil used the extra room to kick one of the guy's legs. He got him hard in the shin. The guy grunted, but didn’t drop his gun, so Neil quickly got to his feet, which made the world _shift_ , but Neil gritted his teeth and forced himself to use his speed, _now.  
_ He charged at the guy.  
  
Who obviously hadn’t expected Neil to be so fast.  
  
Using full force, Neil managed to ram his shoulder into the other, knocking the gun out of his hand.   
It flew across the roof, and accidentally fired.  
The shot was loud, and Neil felt his ears ring. His head was pounding terribly now, oh fuck, it felt like he was going to lose consciousness, the dizziness worse than ever.

And the guy noticed.  
  
With a sickening crunch, his fist connected with Neil’s face.  
  
The world tilted sideways as Neil fell to the ground.  
He could barely see, vision nearly blacked out, but his hands were still trying to push himself up again, struggling to get away, to kill the guy, to _survive._  
  
The guy kicked him hard in his gut, and Neil dry heaved onto the ground.   
He tried breathing through his nose, but then the guy kicked him again.  
  
‘Fuck, that wasn’t part of the plan, Nathaniel,’ the guy reprimanded him, but he sounded a little out of breath as well.  
  
Every breath Neil took came out as a high-pitched wheeze.  
He barely saw anything.  
His body was shaking very badly.  
But  
he _had to_ survive.  
  
The guy’s footsteps were walking away from him.   
Neil had one blissful moment where he hoped the guy thought Neil was dying, and left him alone.  
  
But he came back.  
  
Neil heard him cock the gun, before he was grabbed by his shirt.  
  
The barrel of the gun touched his forehead.  
  
It _—_ it was over.

Reaching inside his pocket with trembling fingers, Neil clutched his keys tightly.  
  
He blinked furiously, trying to see something, but blood and swelling and the blackness were making it hard.  
At least his eyes wouldn’t need to adjust when he died.  
  
_Andrew._  
  
Neil felt so thankful that he’d had this with Andrew.   
That he got to experience it, twice even.  
It had been more than he’d deserved.  
  
He also felt angry at the guy for taking it away from him.

‘Fuck you,’ Neil spat, but his voice was nearly gone, and it came out really weak.  
  
It came out as defeat.  
  
The guy laughed. It was an awful laugh. ‘Goodbye Nathaniel,’ he smiled.  
  
Then he coughed.  
  
And spat something on Neil’s face.  
It was warm, and smelled like blood.  
  
Neil tried to see, he tried, but he was barely hanging on as it was.  
  
The guy was saying something, but Neil couldn’t understand, because it was getting harder to focus.  
  
No... Neil strained his ears at the same time that the pressure of the gun went away. He heard it fall next to him.  
  
It was not because it was getting harder to focus.  
It was because _—_  
Because _—_  
The guy was trying to talk, while choking on his own blood.  
  
The hand gripping his shirt let go.  
Neil heard the guy shuffle back, though it sounded more like he was being dragged away.  
  
Then Neil's legs gave out, and he fell on the ground.

He heard a sickening _crunch_ in the distance.  
It sounded like bones breaking. _  
_ And another.  
 _Crack._  
He heard the guy gurgle something, heard him coughing, choking _—_  
 _Crunch._  
  
Neil lost consciousness.  
  
\--  
  
He must’ve been gone for only a few moments, because when Neil opened his eyes he still felt horrible and dizzy.  
  
He looked around.  
  
A large puddle of blood on his left side.  
The guy lying in the middle of it.  
His head was wrecked. Neil could look inside it.  
  
Neil turned his head.  
  
On his right, was Andrew.  
  
Andrew had his arms clasped around his raised knees, and he was staring detachedly at Neil.  
Large splotches and streaks of blood were on his face.  
His hands.  
  
Somehow seeing Andrew like this made Neil panic.  
He gasped as he tried to catch his breath.  
  
It didn’t really work,  
and his hands startled tingling,   
his vision getting blurry,   
and Neil fell unconscious again.  
  
_Andrew._  
  
\--  
  
There were voices.  
He almost woke up, but something cold entered his veins and _—_  
  
\--  
  
When Neil woke up, he didn’t recognize the bed, nor the room he was in.  
  
He thought sluggishly that he should panic, but all he felt was a numbness.  
Seeing the tubes connected to his hands and the flimsy blue robe he was wearing, he concluded that he was in a hospital, and on some heavy medication.  
  
Blinking slowly, he tried to move his head to get a better look at the room.  
To his left, a window.  
To his right, a guy sitting in a chair.  
There.  
His eyes instantly focused on the guy.  
  
Andrew.  
  
Everything came rushing back at once, and Neil heard his heart rate spike as he had a hard time processing…  
Everything.  
Everything that had happened _—_ his memories, the roof.  
  
Neil’s eyes widened.  
  
Watching him wearily, Andrew slowly stood up.  
  
‘Can I come closer?’ he asked quietly. He sounded exhausted, and his shoulders were tense.  
  
Neil nodded.

Trying out his voice, which was working, Neil asked, ‘Andrew. Are you okay?’  
  
It was as if a sudden weight was lifted from Andrew’s shoulders, and he sagged a little as he sat down on the bed.  
  
‘I want to lie down.'  
  
Neil immediately scooted over, making room, and Andrew let himself fall next to him.  
  
‘What happened?’ Neil asked.  
  
After a few seconds of silence, Andrew explained matter-of-factly, ‘That guy was attacking you, so I punched him to defend you. He lost his balance and fell off the roof, cracking his head on the ground. When I checked, he was dead.’  
  
Neil swallowed.  
  
That sounded an awful lot  
like a police statement.  
  
He looked hesitatingly at Andrew.  
Andrew was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.  
  
And Neil knew what Andrew had done.  
Andrew had saved his life.  
  
‘Thank you,’ Neil said. And to make Andrew understand, added, ‘You're amazing.’  
  
Andrew looked at him then,   
something close to disbelief in his eyes.  
  
Neil heard Andrew hold his breath, so he smiled.   
And tthough it was probably a very tired smile, Andrew exhaled shakily in response.  
  
‘Sorry I was gone,’  Neil apologised.  
  
Andrew’s voice was a little unsteady as he asked, ‘Everything?’  
  
‘Everything,’ Neil confirmed.  
  
Closing his eyes, Andrew tiredly leaned his forehead against Neil’s shoulder.  
  
Neil wondered if it was because he didn’t want to cry.  
  
\--  
  
The meeting with the foxes was less awkward this time, seeing as Neil actually remembered all of them.

They all looked a little shaken.  
  
‘Andrew told us what happened,’ Matt explained, when Neil was confused as to why they were all so down.  
  
‘We were shocked. Thinking you were nearly… And on top of the roof.’ Dan shook her head.  
  
Nicky sighed. ‘Thank god Andrew skipped class, and heard the gunshot.’  
  
That answered one of Neil’s questions.  
  
‘I’m glad he fell,’ Dan said determinedly, which seemed to be how the others were feeling as well, because they all nodded in agreement.  
  
Neil glanced at Andrew.  
Andrew was looking at him, silently conveying that was the truth now.  
  
The others started talking about what they were doing when they got Andrew’s text, but somehow Renee caught Neil’s eye. She wasn’t talking like the rest. Instead, she was staring thoughtfully at Andrew.  
  
She’d probably guessed.  
  
Then the door opened and Wymack stormed in. ‘Neil,’ he nearly shouted, ‘This is the last time I see you in a hospital, understood?’  
  
Neil startled, then nodded sheepishly. ‘Sorry coac-’ he began.  
  
‘Don’t you “sorry coach” me,’ Wymack interrupted him. ‘That call nearly ended me. And where would you be then, without a coach? Think about that, huh.’  
  
While Wymack continued his angry speech, Neil recognized it for the relief and concern that it actually was, so he simply nodded in agreement and patiently heard Wymack out.  
  
\--  
  
After everyone left, Andrew stayed.  
  
Neil watched him.  
  
Andrew was staring out of the window, hands in his pockets.  
  
The last rays of sunshine caught his blonde hair, turning it lighter, brighter.  
Almost golden.  
  
Neil’s stomach swirled pleasantly.  
  
What Andrew had done for him...  
A lot.  
That’s what.  
  
‘Do you regret it?’ Neil asked softly.  
  
‘No,’ Andrew said flatly. ‘I didn’t kill anyone important.’  
  
Neil recognized the sentence.  
  
‘Can I kiss you?’ he asked.  
  
Andrew turned his head. ‘I don’t know, can you? You’re in a hospital bed.’  
  
Neil sighed and rephrased his question. ‘Will you kiss me?’  
  
Andrew held his gaze as he said, ‘Yes.’  
  
He walked over and sat down on the bed.  
Leaned in.  
One of his hands gently cupped Neil’s neck, tilting his head a little.  
Then,  
Andrew kissed him softly.  
  
And it was the answer to every question.  
  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so weird not to type 'next time'...
> 
> Wow this has been a ride. I've experienced more emotions than ever writing this fic, also for a large part because I got to read all your wonderful comments everytime <3 They mean a lot to me, seeing as they've motivated me so much when I was feeling down or anxious about my writing or the story. So for that alone, I'd like to say thank you! But also just simply reading my fanfic, and enjoying this wild ride with me, is also precious to me. Thank you as well :)
> 
> I'd love to know what you thought about the last chapter! And I'm sorry I didn't give the guy a name, I felt like Neil wouldn't care about that in such a situation? Myeah. Feel free to give him names though!
> 
> Also, I do feel like this isn't the complete end of this story, because I realize that there's still a lot of healing left to be done for both Neil and Andrew.  
> I'm kinda itching to write about that, but I'm not too sure if that would be interesting to read and it definitely doesn't feel like it belongs here. It would make this fic too long and kind of take the story away from the original premise. So let me know if you're interested at all (on here or via tumblr/twitter), if you want to. And maybe there'll be a (softer) sequel to this. 
> 
> Okay enough rambling.  
> Yet again, I'd like to say, thank you SO much for reading! <3  
> I hope you enjoyed it :)


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